As if she’s startled, she jumps up off the couch. “Okay, I’m going to say what I need to say, and I need you just to listen and not interrupt.”
With a fair amount of hesitation, I say, “Alright.”
Before she begins, she starts to pace. It’s like she’s trying to gather her thoughts.
“Look, I don’t know how to do this.”
“Do what?”
She stops pacing and points to me. “Don’t interrupt.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
“I don’t know how to do any of this. Relationships are not my strong suit. I have only ever been in highly dysfunctional ones.”
She stops pacing again. “Beau, I’m not good. Not like you are. I’m a mess. I don’t have all my ducks in a row. Honestly, I’m not even sure I have ducks at all. You deserve someone who isn’t such a shit show.”
She pauses a moment. “Beau, I think I owe you an explanation as to why I left.”
The pit in my stomach now feels like a hot ball of lava.
She nervously plays with her fingers. “You know how you and I were supposed to go off to college together?”
I nod because I’m not sure if I’m allowed to talk.
“Beau, I didn’t get in.”
“What?” I ask, not able to help myself.
“You got accepted and I didn't."
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I know you. You would’ve done anything in the world to make me feel better–including staying home instead of going to school. I knew you were special, and you deserved the chance to do whatever you wanted without influence. You always let me shine. It was your turn.”
“So, it had nothing to do with that guy?”
She shakes her head. “He was just my ride out of town.” She pauses a moment before beginning again. “I didn’t mean to stay away for so long. Honestly, it was easier to do that than to come home and admit how much of a failure I was. When I say itout loud, it all sounds really dumb. I just didn’t want to ruin anything for you.”
I honestly shouldn’t be surprised that Jo did that because she thought it was best. Clearly, it wasn’t, but the reasoning isn’t all that surprising. Jo is always trying to protect the ones she loves.
That being said, her leaving about killed me.
Jo crosses her arms over her chest and looks at me. I can see her eyes welling with tears. “I’m so sorry for all those things I said to you before I left, and I’m sorry for all the things Ididn’tafterward. I just thought I was doing the right thing.”
I look at her, taking in everything she just said and trying to process it.
Crazy Jo. All of this mess could have been avoided if she’d just talked to me. An entire decade wasted because she was trying to protect me.
When I’m still silent, she says, “It was a stupid decision and likely not my last. I’m a constant disaster who has ADHD and a whole mess of other issues. I have no idea how to have any type of relationship that isn’t a total shit show.” Her voice cracks once more. “I just don’t want to hurt you again.”
She looks at me, waiting for me to say something. I try to process everything she just told me.
Where do I even begin?
Chapter thirty-one
Pants off, Stephenson
