I lunge forward, boxing her in with my body against the wall, even as her body recoils at my touch. "That's where you're wrong, Cordelie." My hand rises and grasps her chin tightly, holding her firmly so she has no choice but to meet my gaze. "You will always bemine.No one gets to have you but me, baby. You can try to push me away all you want, sweet baby girl, but I will never let you get far." I slam my lips down on hers as she screams into my mouth, and I taste blood from our teeth clashing and a hint of sour vomit from when she puked earlier.
At first, she fights me, using her teeth to try to bite me, and her hands to push me away, before digging her nails into the flesh of my arms and back as she attempts to extricate herself from my grip. My tongue lashes against hers, licking and sucking, and soon enough she's kissing me back, her body going from endeavoring to push me away to holding me closer, as I swallow her whimpers. God, I've missed this. I've missed everything about her.
I break the kiss, both of us raggedly panting with the loss of oxygen, and she stares up at me with glazed eyes and swollen lips. "I hate you, Noah Tisdale."
Her words hurt, but they're not unexpected. I rub my nose against hers, my body pressing her smaller one into the wall as my hands find their way to her hips, lifting her up until the only thing holding her is me. She wraps her legs tightly around my waist and rubs her pretty pussy against my hard, leaking cock. "I know, pretty girl, I know." I peck her lips, once, twice, three times. I can't get enough of her. "I never wanted to hurt you, Cordelie. You were always the most important person in my life."
The minute I utter the words, it's like a switch flips inside of her. She headbutts me hard, a high-pitched scream releasing so close to my ears that I'm sure she's blown out my eardrum, as she scrambles to release herself from my grip. I stumble backward, and she falls to the floor, the sound of her legs and ass landing on my parquet flooring causing me to reach out for her, only to have her scramble away from me, and onto the sofa bed again.
"I was the most important person to you? Is that why you destroyed me, Noah? Why you decided to rip my world apart? I trusted you! I loved you!"
Loved.As in the past tense, as in she doesn't currently love me. No, I can't accept that. She doesn't get to stop loving me, cause I can't stop loving her. "I never meant for that to happen!" I yell back in devastation.
"For what to happen, Noah? For you to get caught?" She jumps off the mattress and slams her body into mine, shoving me with all her pent-up rage. "Would you still be with me, and cheating on me, to this day if I hadn't caught you with her?"Shove."You only stopped because you were caught red-handed."Shove."You disgust me. I can see the answer plain on your face, Noah. You're a liar and a cheat, and I hate you."Shove.
No, baby, you can't hate me. I won't allow you to. "It was always you, Cordelie. It will always be you. She never meant anything to me. She's nothing. I... have no excuse. I know I was wrong... I just didn't know how to stop," my words tumble from my numb lips, and my chest feels so tight, like an overfilled balloon about to burst.
Tears slide down her face like a river as she sobs loudly. She steps away from me, sitting down on the edge of the mattress as she brings her hands up to her face, and her knees to her chest, and falls apart as I watch with anguish. A part of my tarnished soul cracks, watching her suffer because of me, my words, and actions.You destroy everything around you. Look at what you're doing to her. You were never worthy of her.
Minutes feel like hours, as I'm forced to watch the obliteration of the person I love more than anything in this world, at my hands. Her cries get softer and lower until she finally stops and stares at me with hard eyes, her expression bleak. I prepare myself to be launched at again with violence, and the only thought I have is to protect her from hurting herself in the attempt. God, I should have never brought her here. I've made everything fucking worse.
She jumps off the messy bed precariously and grabs a discarded black leather belt from the floor, wrapping it tightly around her neck like a noose, and my mouth falls open in surprise. "You treated me like I was made of glass, and I cherished your kindness only to realize it was all fake. This is what you like, isn't it, Noah?" She yanks on the belt until I can see the indent the leather is making against her pale flesh, and it causes my breath to falter. "Not the soft caresses you gave me. Not the gentleness. All along,thisis what got you off. Go ahead,Noah. Show me the real you, the one I never got to meet and experience."
"Cordelie... fucking stop!" I yell as her face turns red and fear floods my system.I can’t lose her. I won’t lose her.
"NO! This is what you crave, isn't it, Noah?! The things you like to do to women who aren't me?!" She yanks harder on the belt until she gasps out her next breath, and I dart forward, trying to wrestle it from her grip with desperation.
"Baby, please, don't do this. I don't want to see you hurt."
She releases her grip on the belt with a ragged gasp, and it hangs around her neck limply as she takes giant lungfuls of air. Her tear-filled eyes meet mine. "Go ahead, Noah, murder me. Wrap your hands around my neck and be done with it, once and for all. You've been killing me slowly for months with your sorrowful looks, your attempts to hurt me with her, and your self-criminalization because you got caught."
"I don't want to hurt you, Cordelie. I never did." I swipe at her tears, feeling like complete shit. How could she tell me to kill her? Doesn't she know that she's the only reason my heart is still beating? That without her, I'll truly be lost, and there will be nothing left to live for?
"You could have fooled me, Noah. Is that why you betrayed me? Why you slept with my best friend and made me the joke of the school? You've always treated me like something fragile, something broken you're too afraid to shatter further." She tries to push away from me, but I refuse to allow her to. Her whole body trembles as more and more tears fall. "Is that what you see when you look at me? Has it always been pity?! Was I a pity fuck, Noah?! Did you stay in a relationship with me because you pitied me?!"
"Pitied you?" I stagger back a step. How could she think that I ever pitied her? I was never good enough or deserving of her. I hid it for as long as I could, but my rot started to slip through thecracks, and I never wanted to taint her in its filth. "Baby, I could never pity you. You were always the sun. Does the moon pity the sun? No, it craves its warmth and light, even though it knows it would damage and smother it if it tried to take it."
My hands shake at my sides as I try to put into words what I feel for her, and I know no matter what I say, it will never do it justice. "You are not broken, Cordelie, you never were. I was never good enough for you then, and I'm not now."
She grabs the hem of her dress and rips it off her body, letting the lacy material fall to the floor next to her. "Prove it, Noah. Fuck me like you do her."
"No, Cordelie! You're not like her. She means nothing to me. I would never treat you like that."
"Then let me go, Noah, and leave me alone. I'm not what you truly want, and I won't settle for the version of you that you let me have before."
CHAPTER 17
CORDELIE
He stares down at me with shock and indecision on his handsome face. Everything in me is telling me to knee him in the balls and run the hell out of here. He didn't save me and bring me here with good intentions. This version of Noah I'm getting a glimpse of reassures me that I was right: he was never a good man, he just knew how to wear a mask and fake it. Yet, I don't move an inch, and the words spill from deep in the labyrinth of my damaged heart. The one he's demolished until there are so many sharp fragments left that we'll both continue to slice ourselves, and bleed out in the aftermath. "Then let me go, Noah, and leave me alone. I'm not what you truly want, and I won't settle for the version of you that you let me have before."
My breath ceases, and my chest aches, as I watch various emotions cross his features in rapid succession. He's going to turn me away, I can feel it deep inside of me. He never truly wanted me, not the way I wanted him. He was my everything, and I was something he lied to himself about. He says I'm not like her, my best friend, who I know he's still fucking to this day. He never walked away from her after getting caught. He didn't fight for me either. As much as I would like to deceive myself tomake the pain more manageable, I know in the end it will hurt me worse.
I take a step to the side, fully prepared to grab my dress and put it back on, as shame, embarrassment, and rejection swirl in an insidious combination within me. Don't shed any more tears for him, I urge myself, even as a sob chokes my throat.See, he never wanted you. You're pathetic, you're worse than pathetic, you're nothing.
"Cordelie..." His voice breaks as he grabs my bicep in a tight grip, forcing a whimper from my lips. I refuse to meet his gaze, preferring instead to once again scan the apartment and witness the disorder, filth, and chaos he's been living in since before we even broke up. How could he have moved here without telling me? How can he even live like this? This place is a dump, with peeling paint, the smell of overwhelming mold, and unwashed clothing haphazardly thrown across the floor in piles. There are so many bags filled with used takeout containers on the floor, pressed against the walls, creating small mountains. His breakfast counter is littered with empty beer bottles, and the sink is filled with unwashed dishes. The Noah I knew was neat and orderly. He used to make fun of me for my mess. Who is this person?
You never knew him, and he didn't want to show you who he truly was. He knew you were a judgmental, weak bitch. It's why he chose her over you. It's why he will keep going back to her.
