“Really?!” I turn, meeting her closer than I expected. “You want to talk to me, in front of all these people?”
“That's not what this is about…”
“Tell me again how wrong I am! Tell me that you don't want me just so you can be with someone else becausehehurt you. Tell me this isn't because I was there when he broke your heart, and I'm not just someone to make you forget him! Please, Candi, because if I'm not, I'll wait. I'll wait for fucking ever for you.”
She doesn't say anything. I don't know if what I said got to her, or if I really am just someone she needed in a single moment. “You said you were falling for me. Is that still true?” Aside from the two of us, the hallway is empty. She has no excuse, no one but herself to be honest with.
“Yes, that's true.”
“Then, why can't we tell anyone…”
“It's all so fast…”
“... And you sneaking me into your room wasn't? It doesn't make any sense. You can fuck me in my car, but I can't hold your hand? What the hell, Candi?!” I'm trying not to yell, but the world feels like it's crashing all around me.
“It's just I’m not…”
“Ready, I know. You've said that before. Let me know when you are…” My eyes begin to well up, and I leave her standing alone. She doesn't follow after me, and I don't go to class. Instead, I leave through the same side door she once met me at. The same one where she ran and jumped into my arms before we were alone and everything made sense.
Andrew hasn't logged onto MySpace tonight, and I'm missing our nightly talks. My night feels so empty without his username moving across my computer monitor. I continuously check my phone for missed calls or unanswered texts, but he's giving me nothing.
I stare at his number in my contacts, contemplating whether or not I should text him. I run the pads of my fingers over the numbers on my keypad, and rehearse the same apology out loud. “I'm sorry, Andy. I didn't mean to hurt you…” The numbers click softly as I type. “I've been hurt so many times, and I'm just afraid of it happening again…”That sounds so pathetic.The words are deleted from the screen faster than I typed them out.
He doesn't look at me today, and my heart sinks as I wait for his quick, sneaky glances that never come. Andrew walks into first period with his friend Rayne and immediately sits down quietly at his desk. He slides his notebook out of his bag and silently lays it down on the tan surface.
“Good morning, Andy…” I wait for an answer, a sigh, anything but he only turns to our last page of notes and rips it from the perforated edge. He looks ahead and balls up the page in his hand before getting up and throwing it away in the small navy trash can near the door in the front of the room.Ouch.
No notes were passed in history. Not only were there no notes, but there also weren't any smiles, flirty looks my way, or any doodles in the side margins. History class was just that… history and nothing more.
When the bell rings, Andrew grabs his things and hastily makes his way to the door. I want to call out to him, to make him notice me, but alarm signals go off in my head when I think about touching his arm.Would he look at me if I tried? He'd probably shake me loose and continue walking.
The rest of the day drags on; I count the hours until I get to leave this place and go home. Unfortunately, it's only lunchtime, and I still have three more hours until freedom. Andrew and his friends sit at the table on the other side of the cafeteria. If I keep my seat, I can see him eating his school pizza entree and talking with Rayne and Seth.Look at me, please. If only for a second…
Andrew looks up as if he could feel me mentally begging. He doesn't look angry, sad, upset, just… empty. I want to go to him, to talk to him, but I'm stopped, not only by my lack of impulse, but by my best friend, who interrupts my gawking.
“Do you know what's better than staring at each other like fucking creeps? Actually talking to each other like normal people.” Brittany gives Andy a teasing wave while biting the corner of a French fry.
“I tried this morning, and he ignored me.”
“Why? The guy is still clearly obsessed with you.”
I let out a long sigh before I begin. “He asked me if we could beusbut in front of everyone else…” I pause, loudly biting down on a celery stick.
“He asked to beofficial,and you turned him down?”
“Not exactly in those words…but yes.”
“What did you tell him?” She moves in closer and rests her elbows on the table.
“I told him I wasn't ready and that everything was moving so fast.”
“That's understandable. You just broke things off with Zane…”
“Is it though? I've talked to him every night, snuck him into my room, and hung out with him in his car. I'm telling him it's too fast to hold hands in public…”
“He just wants to hold your hand?!” Britt practically squeals before covering her face with her hands. “That's the fucking cutest thing I've ever heard!”
“I made a huge mistake…”
