Me:
Haha, shut up.
Your Andy:
Damn. I make her laugh, and she tells me to shut up. You’re giving me mixed signals here… jk… Now, I know you’re going to bed soon...
Shit, it’s almost midnight. We both have to get up for school in six hours.
Your Andy:
I just wanted to bring up what I said earlier.
I thought if I ignored it, it would all go away and we’d never have to talk about it again. I’m not ready to say the “L” word. It’s too soon since Zane, and he only said when he knew he messedup. I don’t want to rush things with Andy.Everything is going too fast.
Your Andy:
I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have said anything. I think I was just feeling in the moment, you know. Tonight… it was just so fucking amazing. You’re amazing. Being with you, at the reservoir… it all just hit me at once. Can we just forget I said anything? Damn, I hope I didn’t fuck up. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.
I don’t want to forget what he said. Just because I’m not ready to tell him, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same way. I want to tell him, but I don’t want to get my heart broken all over again. Andy is right, everything about tonight wasamazing.Why does all of this have to be so difficult?That’s just it, Candi. It doesn’t. Just tell him how you feel. Fuck all of the bullshit rules. He’s not like Zane. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, I’m sure of it!
Me:
Listen, Andy… about what you said was… soon… but, you’re right. Tonight was amazing. As much as I try to hide how I feel about you, I fall harder. You treat me like no one ever has. What I’m trying to say is I think I’m falling in love with you, too. <3
There, I said it. I just told Andrew Miller that I think I’m falling in love with him. Why do I feel like my face is on fire and I’m going to throw up? I thought this would be easier than last time. My heart feels like it’s being pulled apart and sewn back together all at once. Should I have done that? Oh, God… maybe I shouldn’t have told him.Wait… What if he didn’t really mean it, and I just told him my true feelings? Would he do that?Oh, God. Is it hot in here? Beads of sweat begin to trail downfrom my neck to my collarbone.Did I just make my life more complicated? I think I’m having a panic attack.Breathe, Candi. If he didn’t mean it, he wouldn't have said it… right?
My anxiety is in full force, and I pace around my room until my phone vibrates on my desk. “This is it, Candi.” I breathe out, fixating on the mauve cover. “Just read his message. It’s not like it’s going to bite. Just… maybe damage and traumatize me beyond repair, and I never tell anyone else my true feelings again.”Why am I acting like this? I told Zane I loved him millions of times, but those times seemed forced. Something I was supposed to do. With Andy, everything just… fits.“Okay, here we go…”
Your Andy:
Do you really mean that? You’re falling in love with me? I wouldn’t want you to say it if you don’t mean it.
Me:
I really mean it. I love you, Andy.
Your Andy:
Damn. You have no idea how happy you make me. I love you too, Candi. So fucking much it hurts.
Candi:
I really mean it. I love you, Andy.
The words are frozen on my screen and permanently imprinted in my brain.“I love you, Andy.”She has no idea what she does to me. Candi is my drug of choice, and I'm hooked on her like a fucking addict, waiting for her messages like they're my next fix.
I only left her house a couple of hours ago, but I'm already counting down the hours until morning.Eight.Eight long hours until I get to see you, hear your voice, hold your hand.
The image of her face stays tattooed on my brain when I lie down. My comforter wraps around me on all sides, tucked under my body like a fabric barrier. My lids squeeze shut tightly, and I try my best to fall asleep, but I can't. She's on every channel of my brain, and no matter what, I can't find the static.
“I love you, Andy.”I can't wait until I hear her say the phrase. It will be a lyric I'll never forget.
“Hey, Andrew,” Seth begins through his constant tapping on his beat-up Zildjian drumsticks on his locker. You can hardly see the black paint on the shaft with the number of times he's used this pair.
“Yeah,” I reply, slightly annoyed by the continuous tempo change.For fuck’s sake, pick a beat and stay with it.
“Are you ready for the show this weekend?” He moves his loud beat to the locker next to his, which happens to be my unlatched locker door.What the hell, man?!
