“None of this makes any sense,” I whispered to myself.
I tried to put it out of my mind with food, and catching up with Brit, and even binge-watching my favorite trashy television shows. But the only thing that distracted my mind at all was a conversation I struck with Michael via text. To this day, I’m still not sure why I did it. Some days, I blamed it on loneliness. Other days, I blamed it on JoJo. However, the only thing I kept thinking about while me and Michael were talking was how I needed to get out from underneath JoJo.
He wasn’t healthy for me, nor was he healthy for my career.
Michael: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: Of course, you can ask anytime.
Michael: Have you ever thought about whether or not you’d want to get married?
The question gave me pause and my knee-jerk answer was “no.” Not that I didn’t want to settle down with someone. But the idea of doing just that made me queasy. Marriage was for life, that was the rule that my parents drilled into my head. Once someone got married, that was it. From then on, marriage was a conscious decision both parties had to make on a daily basis. My father was adamant about teaching us that it took more than love and good sex for relationships to work. Some days, it took saying that decision out loud when the only thing someone wanted to do was walk away. That kind of dedication scared me. I didn’t trust myself with that type of monumental decision.
But then, a thought occurred to me.
I knew that JoJo was toxic for me. He was bad for me, and my career, and I had to get away from him somehow. I had to get him to back off. So, maybe striking up a serious relationship with someone was what I needed to do. Maybe I had to show him that what we had between us was nothing but a spark, a flame, and then an extinguisher. Maybe what we had was only temporary; him trying to fulfill some sort of high school crush he thought he missed out on.
So many things made sense when I looked through the lens of a jealous, possessive high school boy.
And that’s why I responded the way I did.
Me: Don’t get me wrong, I do. But marriage is such a big thing, and I’d only ever do it once. I’m not someone who could get remarried again, so I’m incredibly picky about who I see a future with, if that makes any sense.
Michael: It makes complete and total sense, and it’s honestly a refreshing answer. So many people rush into relationships and base them on sex or whatever, and they don’t ever get to the good stuff. The fights where you have to choose to stay. The arguments that would force anyone else out the door, but not those two. Not that couple, if that makes sense.
His answer made me smile, which was more than I could say for JoJo’s snarky responses most days. And that made me dig my heels in.
If this was what it took to get away from JoJo so I could show him how toxic we were for one another, then so be it.
Me: I’m going to be honest with you because that’s what you deserve, okay?
Michael: I’d appreciate that, of course. What’s on your mind?
I drew in a deep breath before I responded.
Me: I want a boring life. I want my job, I want a nice little home, and I want someone to come home to. I want to find a man who doesn’t see himself as more valuable than me, or that his job is somehow more important than mine. I want to feel equal, but…
I swallowed hard before I allowed my fingers to take on a mind of their own.
Michael: But, what? I promise, you’re safe here.
Me: But, now that I’m creating this life for myself away from my own family and my childhood home, I’m figuring out things about myself that don’t quite line up with how I look, if that makes any sense.
Michael: Give me an example.
Me: For example, my sex life. The more I explore and entertain specific notions, the more I realize that I’m not as… plain… as other people.
Those three little dots bounced and then stopped. Bounced, then stopped. Bounced, then stopped. And for the smallest of moments, I thought I had royally fucked up. My plan to push JoJo and his bullshit out of my life for good was already crashing to the ground, as far as I was concerned.
Until I read his response.
Michael: So, you’re a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. What’s there to be ashamed of?
Relief washed over my body as I sank into the cushions of my couch.
Me: So, that doesn’t freak you out or anything?
Michael: LOL! Hell, no. Excuse my language, but any man would be lucky to have a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman who’s also a nasty-ass ho in bed.
