She sighed. “Yeah, it’s pretty big. I’ve been out of the legitimate dating game for a while. Sure, I had coffee dates here and there just to find a maintenance man, but--.”
I blinked. “A maintenance man?”
“You know,” she said as she leaned closer, “a man to maintenance my body?”
My jaw hit the floor. “I’m calling them that from now on.”
“You can thank TikTok for that one!”
I blinked. “Thank what?”
She groaned. “We really need to catch you up with the rest of society. But, not tonight. Tonight, I have a legitimate sit-down dinner date with a guy I’ve hooked up with a few times now. He wanted to treat me out to something nice, and I figured why not?”
I hugged her tightly. “I’m happy for you. Really.”
She hugged me back. “I’m nervous as hell. Will you be my bail call in case something goes drastically wrong?”
Now, that concept I was familiar with. “Of course. I’ll keep my phone on me and if you call, I’ll give you a reason to get out if you need it.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Now,” I said as I pulled away from our hug, “go get yourself sexy-fied!”
“Woo hoo!”
I saw her to the door before we embraced one last time and it felt so damn good to have my friend back. I watched her until she got onto the elevator and was whisked away, then I backed into my apartment. I closed the door and turned toward my sex stash on the floor, wondering where the hell I was going to put all of it.
So, I walked over to the pile and started picking things up.
Knock, knock, knock.
I giggled as I stood with an armful of sex toys. “Come get whatever you forgot, Brit! The door’s still open.”
But when the door ripped itself open, horror unlike anything I’d ever experienced burst into my apartment.
“Surprise!”
They startled me so badly that I shrieked. I shrieked so hard and threw my arms up so high that the world of sex I had embraced against my body went tumbling to the floor. I gawked as I watched them pile into my apartment with suitcases behind them and toiletry bags dangling from their shoulders.
And I couldn’t force myself to move.
“Mom? Dad!?”
He smiled as he walked over with his arms outstretched. “Come here, pumpkin. Give your old man a hug.”
Holy shit, my parents had come to visit.
“Did I miss a message?” I asked as I embraced him.
Mom furrowed her brow as she looked at the floor. “What’s all this, sweetheart? Spring cleaning?”
And when my father looked down at the pile of literal sex toys on my living room floor, he immediately released me.
“Uh, honey?” he asked as he looked over at my mother.
Mom bent down and picked up a package of the edible underwear, and all I wanted to do was pass away completely.
“Maybe we should talk,” Mom said curtly as her fevered eyes met mine.
