“That’s not really your job anymore, is it? Both being there and convincing someone else to be.”
“I’m not a monster,” I say, but she isn’t reproaching me for overstepping. She’s pointing out that I still care. “Has Darren…no, I don’t want to know.”
“You do, though,” she argues. “What would have happened if Noah told you he knew? The night of Parker’s party, he confronts you. How do you react?”
I want to say that would have made things better, but the biggest issue wasn’t him telling me…it’s whether I could believe what he said.
“I don’t know.”
“But you wouldn’t have trusted him anymore, right? As soon as he knows, all his motives come into question, and you can’t know what’s for you and what’s for your brothers.”
“Are you seriously trying to convince me he was right to lie? That I would have been unreasonable and unfair, so he had no other choice?” I’m getting defensive, because I know my feelings are valid – he withheld information from me when he shouldn’t have. But I also know that my past trauma made it so he probably wouldn’t have fared so well if he’d come clean. Like we both should have.
“Never. But maybe Noah found out both that you were related to pro athletes, and that it makes you feel a certain way, so instead of telling you it doesn’t matter to him, he showed you. Because actions speak louder than words and that man has consistently shown that he’s got it bad for you.”
“He didn’t even admit we were more than friends until Friday,” I argue, though I want her to be right.
“You were sober at the Christmas party, weren’t you? When he showed you off to everyone he cares about and couldn’t keep his hands off you? And I mean that in the cute, he wanted to be holding you way.”
“But I make everything more complicated for him,” I say, because his reasons are easier to argue than my deep-rooted fears.
“I prefer interesting.”
“I can’t lose him again, Lacey. Not when he realizes I’m not worth the hassle, or if my darkest fears are true and –” he’s stringing me along for my brothers. Which sounds so far-fetched and ridiculous of Noah, but I’ve been wrong before.
“They’re not,” she stops me. “Do you honestly believe Noah would do that to anyone, let alone the woman he loves?”
“He never?—”
“Aren’t writers supposed to be experts at showing instead of telling?”
I sigh, because I did see it. I was just too afraid to believe it.
“Love is messy sometimes. And complicated. But it has always been worth it for me. It’s not like Noah has all his shit together,” she points out, “and you haven’t once given that as a reason to turn your back on him.”
“Because I lo—because I think he’s worth it. Fighting for. Getting my heart broken. I am so terrified, but the only thing scarier than putting myself out there and giving him the power to wreck me is the thought of not being with him.” I wipe the tears that fall as if that’ll stop her from seeing them.
“He is,” she tells me. “But so are you, babes. You are so worth it.” She looks at me, earnestly, as if that will help her words sink in, before she asks, “Are you working on your book again tonight?”
“No, I sent it to my mom this afternoon, so I can’t really do anything until I get her feedback.”
“Perfect!”
“How?”
“I’m bailing on kickboxing so we can do masks. Or paint our nails; I got both. And if we happen to come up with a plan that gets you back together with Noah and secure in his feelings, all the better.”
I shake my head and laugh at her enthusiasm, but this is exactly what I thought having a sister would be like. Which makes me think of Izzie, but I try not to tear up again.
“Kickboxing actually sounds perfect,” I assure her. Our first sleepover made it clear she does not enjoy sitting still and pampering herself, and I miss the strength and confidence I used to have back when I was doing martial arts.
“Oh, thank God!” She smiles. “But I totally would have done them for you.”
“I appreciate that,” I say before we go kick things.
Chapter Sixty-Four
Noah
