It makes sense. It’s what I thought when she first told me how she felt. Like, okay, we’re not best friends, and maybe I’m coming on a little strong, but I still thought we were close.
“Friends don’t say the things you said, in the way you said them, specifically to hurt each other. They don’t make out with each other’s crushes, or tell secrets to guys she meets at college parties specifically to get back at me.”
“That’s why I said I’m sorry, okay? Yes, I wanted to hurt you, because you were the reason I was feeling so hurt. But the stuff I told those guys was to get back at your brother, not you. He’s a two-faced hypocrite who would have let one of his friends date you, or gone after a friend’s younger sister if he was interested.”
“And everything you’ve done since then? That photo last night as soon as you realized I was keeping it on the DL?”
“We both know I hold a grudge.” She shrugs as if that excuses it.
“I was never your enemy until that’s what you made me.”
“So that’s what we are now? Enemies?”
“Every time I see you it’s a minefield of underhanded insults and statements meant to hurt me.”
“Yet you never told your mom what happened. Dallas didn’t either.” She seems surprised, and I guess she would have run to her mother if the situations were reversed.
“We didn’t want to cause a rift between her and her best friend.” It was bad enough I lost mine. “It’s not like you said anything.”
“I’d die if she knew.”
“I’ll remember that,” I say in a way that could mean I’ll keep her secret, or that I’ll use it against her as needed.
“It’s hard when you lose what you think you love the most in the world. You think you won’t, but sometimes lashing out is the only thing that makes you feel something other than pain.”
I think of Noah and everything I ran away from this morning and my chest feels so tight I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep the tears at bay. But I don’t want anyone else to feel like this. Not Noah, not Tanner, not even Kinsey. I just want a hug and for it to go away.
“No, that’s just an excuse to be a bitch instead of dealing with your crap.” She looks like she’s about to retaliate, but I put my hands up to stop her. “That wasn’t meant to hurt you, but I’m not staying quiet and letting you try to break me anymore. I’ll play nice for our parents, but you don’t get to make me feel insignificant anymore.” I sigh, because I really don’t think I care what she thinks anymore. “I wish you the best, Kinsey, but I don’t want any part of it.”
I leave her there and go up to my bedroom. I want to call Noah and tell him what just happened, but the aching in my chest reminds me that isn’t a good idea. I consider working on my book, but hide under my covers instead.
* * *
I must have fallen asleep, because it’s late afternoon, if I had to guess, and my face is wet from the tears I wasn’t awake to stop. I grab my phone to check the time, but there are texts from Noah, and my heart sinks.
Noah
I am so sorry about this morning. That I didn’t tell you the second I found out about your brothers. That I lied. I should have been honest with you.
I don’t know if it’s intended or not, but I feel the guilt pressing on me, that I should have been honest as well. That I should have told him, so he didn’t have to find out at Parker’s party, so my dad wouldn’t have to hide all our family pictures, and my brothers could have met him. But we weren’t really a couple then. He was afraid of us, and I didn’t want to be too serious and scare him away. Which is a bad start to a relationship anyway. Red flags flashing in all directions. But they don’t soften the blow.
Noah
I am so grateful that you helped me with Izzie, and I loved our time together, but I think you’re right, and we should go back to friends.
This feels so much worse than when I stormed out this morning. That felt like running away from feelings in the heat of the moment, when Noah was still coming after me, and I just had to sit in my feelings for a while until I got some clarity. This text, however, is Noah, level-headed with some time to think, deciding that he was wrong, and I am not worth it. Someone who lies and keeps things and complicates his life. Who wants someone with zero confidence in need of constant reassurance?
I remember when he said he would remind me every single day, and it feels like my heart is splitting open. I want to hide under the covers and never come out. Clearly, I was right to leave him before he could leave me, but that doesn’t help me feel even remotely better.
I force myself out of bed and drag my comforter to my desk, then pull out my laptop to get back to work on the book. I tell myself I’m better off alone, with fictional characters, who only hurt me when I want them to. Characters who are brave enough to fight for what they want and risk it all in the name of love.
Noah might be right, that I’m hiding behind my writing, but who could blame me when the alternative feels like this?
Chapter Sixty
Noah
We Lose
