“I understand. I will take note of that.”
“Great,” he said.
The castle was quiet. Elías was quiet. Soon, the events of the days weighed so heavily, that the moment I shut my eyes too long, I drifted into dreams of stained glass and tiny houses ofworship, where Cyrus’s hands and lips pressed to mine, and in my fading consciousness, despite my naïvety, I suddenly began to understand all the words that Eli had said to me when we had left the castle.
“On your wedding night, you will go to his bedchamber, and it just comes naturally. He will undress you, and you him, and if he is a gentleman, he will kiss you, make you feel safe, and hold you after.”
Mr. Evergreen had kissed me,I thought. He had kissed me in the most delicate of places but it was still a kiss; that made him a gentleman. We had begun to undress each other; he literally killed to protect me, to make me safe–not justfeelit, and though we were not married, I felt as though I had discovered some secret magic about what that vow could mean.
Before I had impaired his chance to do it, he had intended to say he loved me. He had traveled days–days across an empire just to collect a feather to enforce the words. I had no justification for stopping, just fear.
But whether it was it to preserve myself from the consequences of such an emotion, despite reaping the benefits, or to protect him from the dangers of loving me… he has felt it. I felt it.
Cyrus loved me.
Around noon the following day, I became very aware of how difficult the week would be. Ser Elías made his arrangements to return home. To inform my father, to collect his knights for the mission. He would be gone by Friday, and gone bymyhot-headed command–my father’s blood maneuvering me like anangry puppeteer. There was nothing I could do to stop it and as the day went on, I felt increasingly more alone. He advised me that Jocelyn took the day off for stress, and that Mr. Evergreen had departed early in the morning with Sameer and a few of the footmen, to recover what they could of his effects.
Elías didn’t pause to coddle my feelings. He went on with his ministrations as he counted his tasks on his fingers.
“I’ve written to your father of the incident at the cottage,” he said. “The letter will alert him of my arrival ahead of time; however, I will be gone by his reply. See to it on my behalf.”
I nodded.
“Feel free to write him of other things. You might inform him you’re alright. Tell him about happier thoughts. The dance. The horse.”
I nodded again, but slower. “I’ll reply on your behalf, Ser, but if His Majesty wished to know how well I have adapted to life in Chalke, he would have written to me himself by now,” I told him. “That is something I have learned while here. If a man wanted to do something, he would.”
He narrowed his eyes slightly, then sighed. “Should I attach a personal note from you? I’m sure I can catch the letter before it’s sent.”
“No,” I said. We ambled through the garden. “That defeats the purpose of what I’m saying.”
“Nothing comes to mind?” he asked. “Nothing to share with the King?”
“Nothing,” I confirmed. He gave me a look, so I relented. “Ugh. If I think of anything important before you depart, I’ll advise. But again, if my father wanted to know about my time here, he’d ask.”
“I think I know your father better than you. I’m certain he’d like to hear from you,” he said.
“Oh, you’re certain, are you?” I asked. “Are you also restricting the delivery ofhisletters to me then, Lord Commander? I don’t remember seeing one.”
“You have never been apart for such a long time,” he commented. “Perhaps he doesn’t know that hecanwrite to you?”
I scowled. “A man—a king—knows what he can and cannot do. And Father has never asked permission for anything before. Why would he for this? For me?”
“I don’t know, Svana. It seems your mind is made. As there will be no convincing you, I’ll simply discard the subject. Now. You’re not to leave the Palace grounds without Ser Willoughby. Listen to me when I say that. It’s for your safety not to control you.”
I nodded, this time, slightly peeved. “Yes, sir. I’m aware.” But my mind was elsewhere. “…Do you think it is a bad sign that Mr. Evergreen didn’t inform me of his plans to leave this morning?” I asked.
“What plans?” he asked.
“Of leaving this morning,” I repeated. “I said that.”
“Ah.”
“Ah?” I asked. “Ah what? So you do think it’s bad?”
“No,” he said. “I do not.”
“Uh huh, I see, and you’re certain ofthat?”I asked.
