“You don’t remember his name,” he said. “What a very close friend he must have been, so readily forgotten.”
“Mr. Evergreen,” I tried.
“Yet, if I say stable buck–”
“Please!” I begged. “Please. You cannot use that term.”
Cyrus was staring deep into my soul. I felt raw. I felt exposed, edging on seen in a way I couldn’t prevent— in a way I didn’t want him to see. I didn’t want him to know what I had done.
He looked me over. “It’s not an offense,” he said.
“Of course, I know it’s not arealoffense,” I told him. “Of course, I know his name, too, but what do I have to prove to you, Mr. Evergreen? What good does seeding this pain harvest?” I clenched my chest.
“Pain?” he asked. “Then hewasmore than a friend, was he?”
“Forget I said anything. I beg you,” I said.
“Like you forgot his name?” he asked.
“You’re being quite cruel.”
“Not as cruel as forgetting an entire man, I’d say,” Cyrus said. “No, you’d have to be quite intentional about that, wouldn’t you?”
“I–” My voice hitched. I had to hold my breath to stop myself from crying.
Ihadn’tforgotten Ser Willem, I thought. On the contrary, I had devoted nearly half of a decade toward finding him, toward apologizing. I had commissioned Elías to help me. I had risked Hellveig’s wrath despite how deeply I feared her, and what did I have to show for those years? Nothing. Willem was gone, andCyrus,Cyrus Evergreen was a rake and anass!He didn’t deserve the comparison I had offered him. I wished to reel it back into my mouth. I wished–I gasped for breath.
Over my panting, he asked, “If we are so similar, I wonder if your buck would feel the same as I? I don’t think he’d labelmethe cruel one here.”
My eyes stung. I didn’t want to be outside any longer. I didn’t want to be around Mr. Evergreen any longer. I wanted to go home.Homehome, to brood by the fire in my tower of ice, where the only words that would ever hurt me were whispers no one intended for me to hear. Words that I stumbled upon while I was lurking around and eavesdropping despite my best interests. I wanted to be alone.Alonealone, where no one could see me, dissect me, accuse me, or terrorize me with games or secrets, or talk about my mother, and I-
“Svana?” He touched my arm. “Steady on; you’re impossibly pale.”
I stumbled back.“You’re being quite cruel,”I repeated.
“My father was an ostler,” he said, quickly. He took a kinder hesitation. “Stable buck is not a slur; it’s just a word. We call ourselves that. That’s it.”
“I know that!” I said. I threw my gaze into the dirt.
“If you know that, then why are you upset?” he asked.
“Your father was an ostler?” Somewhere, I wept at the synchronicity.
“Yes,” he confirmed.
“Just my luck.” An actual tear bled from my eye. “Please, stop. Stop crying, Svana,” I said.
Mr. Evergreen closed the distance enough to vacate the bead from my cheek. “Princess,” he said.“I’ma stable buck. You said I was gifted with horses. Remember? That’s why. See? I’ve grown up with them. I’ve grown up a stable buck,” he said. “Do you understand? It’s not a bad connotation. I did not say it to offend you or your friend or to be cruel. I said it because it is what I am.”
“You asked me if he would feel the same,” I said. “You asked me if he would think thatyouwere the cruel one. You said no.”
“I–Well, yes,” he said. “I’m caught there, I’m afraid, but it is rather lousy to forget someone, don’t you think?”
There was a bitter silence.
“Is your…” I took a moment to lock the memories of feathers and true love away before melting back into a steely façade. “Is your father Henry then?” I asked.
He paused. “Do I look like Henry?”
