“You needn’t apologize. You’re eighteen. Have you ever been in love? I don’t expect you to understand the complexity of its snares or shortcomings.”
“You loved her?” I asked.
“I bore feelings for her, yes,” he said. “We were together years. But was it love? Probably. I don’t know. Love is a dreadful thing.”
“…Many people are unhappy at times within their marriage,” I said. “If you spoke to her of your worries… You could have-”
“Pray; don’t lecture me on my personal affairs, Your Highness. I know my character, though you may doubt it. And I did speak to her of what bothered me. We separated because of it.” Cyrus looked to the horizon. “We ought to head back. It looks as though it may storm.”
“Loveisa dreadful thing,” I said abruptly. I felt obscure. “Do you swear? Do you swear upon your life that you are loyal? That if I confess something to you, you will never speak of it?” I asked. “I cannot bear to endure the spectacle I should become if you betray me.”
He studied me. “I swear it,” he said.
“Then I will tell you because I have wounded you and because I have… I have no one else to tell. My father…” My breath was shaky. “My father has a newcompanionevery week. To my understanding, it’s always been that way, even when my mother was alive. I don’t know why, but I believed it would be different for me somehow. I believed that my father was the exception and that my husband would love me and only me. Silly, I know, but I did, and now I am living a worse reality than that of my parents.”
“Your father is known for his temper,” he said. “How is it worse? Sam would never hurt you.”
“My father has never hurt me in the way they say he might; he’s never raised a hand. I could not tell you if he hit my mother, and even if he had, it’s not…Sir, it’s not physical abuse that I fear,” I told him. “What is pain but mind over matter anyway?”
“What is it you fear then?” he asked.
“It’s crass, but… At least Father slept with my mother on occasion, as evidenced by my existence. Sameer does not even wish to know me, let alone lust after me in that way, in the way the books I’ve read suggested a man should long for his wife. I know the role I’ve been assigned. My whole purpose is to marry the Prince for peace and bear us an heir so that our people may rest united, but I constantly, Iconstantlyask myself, at whatcost? Where do I fit in this world these men have built for me? And now, there’s an added layer. Another question to crush me while I lie awake at night. What does my life, my marriage, look like if my husband cannot even stomach to suffer me in such a way as sex?”
“Svana,” he said.
“Pain, I can bear. An affair? Fine. I just…I thought I would be less lonely in my future,” I said.
“Permission to be frank?” he asked.
I shrugged. “You’ve never needed it before.”
“You are a very beautiful woman,” he said. His breath burned with an honesty I could not avoid. “You must know. Very,verybeautiful.”
Cautiously, I said, “Thank you, sir, but a lot of good it’s done me. No one’s ever courted me. No one’s ever noticed me. No one’s ever written me or liked me, even platonically, not even for my face.”
“That cannot be true,” he said.
“It is, unfortunately. My father arranged this marriage before I was in society, and, naturally, after the Treaty, I had no reason to entertain sons of somebodies, that is, past their luncheons with my father or the Apple Faire when we would attend it. Though we rarely attend it. His Majesty is paranoid, to say the least. Before, when you mentioned the Hunt? I am supposed to host it this year, but…I’ve never done it. Not once. Usually, my cousins handle it.”
“I see,” he said.
“Most people that I have spoken with work for my father or hate my father.” I gestured over him. “Or they found equal footing in both. Beauty does not matter when you’re immediately associated with the man they call a vicious warlord.”
He cleared his throat. “It’s not that Sam does not orcannotlust for you, Your Highness. Anyone with eyes can see that you are worthy of such attention.”
“I am humbled,” I said.
He added, “He loves her. Agatha.”
My spirit fell into my gut; I hated myself for harming them.
“He loves her,” Cyrus said again. “He would never tell you because you must marry him, and he is not malicious, but, as you often accuse me, I am his confidant. Trust me when I say I know this. I know it's love between them, and love is far more powerful than any influence, any infatuation...You cannot see it because you’re on the opposing side of his fidelity, but Sam is very faithful...Just not to you.”
“To her,” I breathed.
“Yes.”
“Have they been together very long?” I asked.
