Quietly she asks, “When did it happen? I mean, the feelings for him, when did they begin to shift?”
I stand and release her hand. If she wants to have this conversation I’m not going to do it kneeling in frigid waters. I dust my skirts off and motion for her to join me under a nearby tree. She swiftly stands and swipes her hands against her thighs.
Lees and I sit near each other as I tuck my legs beneath me. Dahla nibbles at soft grass next to us, the sound of ripping leaves the only noise to pierce the silence.
I sigh, unready to have this conversation, yet knowing we have to. I begin to speak and Lees grabs a blanket from under the tree and settles in.
“I know he’s been thought to be a monster. I even thought it too, at least for a while.”
She doesn’t move and her eyes remain locked on mine.
“He’s done things to help us that he shouldn’t have. There were opportunities he could have run or even left us for dead. He could have left you and Caym in the forest when those phantoms circled us. When Caym was stuck under the horse and in the sinking sand.”
The memory assaults me, bringing back the same snaking feeling that encircles my chest.
Closing my eyes, in an attempt to dissuade the memory, I continue to speak. “I just… I don’t know honestly but it's like I have an eagerness to be near him, a piece of my soul that craves him in a way I’ve never experienced. I hate it and I fought it for so long, but seeing how he was in Treach, after he helped save me in the woods…”
Leeson cuts me off, “What do you mean save you in the woods? You didn’t tell me that something happened?”
I reassure her, plastering a small smile on my face to hopefully make my next confession not feel as dark. “The sprites had surrounded me when I was helping guide Caym out of the sinking sand, and I was seeing things that weren’t there. Like Hanin. But … it wasn’t him. Kassiel had helped me overcome their mimicry, calling me back to myself when I was ready to drop into despair.”
“Oh my.” Her response is simple, as if words had been stolen from her.
I look away, the confession lingering between us.
“It was a lot. It was horrible to be honest. One minute Hanin seemed so real, like he was really there in front of me, and the next, he had changed into somethingwrong.”
Leeson whispers, “That sounds terrifying, Alora. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you when that was happening.”
I pull my lips up into a flat smile, “You couldn’t have done anything Lees, it’s a miracle you didn’t twist your neck when you fell off your horse. It was a scary situation we were in, but that’s what I mean. He could have left us right then. We all would have died and no one would have been wiser.”
She nods her head and pulls the blanket tighter around her.
More confessions slip from my lips and she sits there, listening and giving me space.
I speak faster now, the words tumbling free faster than I mean them to. “I don’t know what any of this means, but I feel like I’m being pushed in his direction. Maybe the fates, or the gods, have their hand in this. Whatever it is, I just know my heart feels called to be softened to him.”
Tears form in the corners of my eyes, the emotion threatening to spring from them at any moment. I whisper, “I know I thought him to be a beast. I was wrong. He’s not just The Devourer, he’s starting to make me feel alive again.”
I choke on a sob and Leeson grabs my hand again. Clearing my throat, I speak perhaps the truth that will damn me the most, “For a long time, I thought I deserved to suffer, and that I wasn’t worthy to be happy. So I’d become numb. Oftentimes, I wanted to fling myself onto my dagger, but I was even too cowardly for that.”
Leeson’s face drops, pain lacing her eyes—the kind of pain that isknownto others who’ve suffered in the mind, alone. Her eyes glaze with unshed tears and I look away so I don’t unravel myself.
Her small voice breaks the silence after a few moments, “You’re not a coward, Alora.”
That out of control feeling is itching again under my skin. Vulnerability sinks its teeth in me and I riot against the unwelcomed emotion. Aimlessly I begin to pick at the skin on my finger. I inhale deeply, trying to stuff the sensations down.
Leeson waits, her eyes welling over with the tears now.
“Despite all of that,” I pry the hushed words out, “he makes me feel like I do have purpose in this realm other than fighting because I’m consumed by anger.”
I grab the hem of my sleeve and wipe the tears that settle along my jawline.
“I didn't anticipate him stealing away my heart and storing it within his shattered crevices. Perhaps if I had known this, I would have brought a torch to light the darkness of his soul.”
I lift my lips in a small smile and continue, “Whether he’s in my life or not, it feels like he’s breathed life into the husk I have been contained within, and I no longer want to be a traveler in my own body. I want to feel and experience the sorrows and joys of this damned realm. But I really hope he will remain by me, despite it all.”
The uncertainty nags in the back of my mind, what will Kassiel do? He’s still bound to King Euron. Escaping those clutches in itself feels like a battle we’re ill prepared for.
