“It’s something.”
I didn’t offer an explanation.I wasn’t ready to talk about Erik, not until I had a better understanding of how I felt about things and what the hell—besides the obvious bondage stuff—we were doing.After another half block, she stopped guessing and turned her attention back to the street in front of us.The coffee shop was four blocks from the yoga studio and this time of day, the streets were clogged with tourists and traffic.
I’d sweated through my T-shirt again by the time the door of the café closed on the heat outside, trapping us in coffee-scented air-conditioned bliss.We placed our coffee orders and got a pound of assorted chocolate truffles to share, heavy on the chili ones I loved.While I waited for the barista to call my name, I scanned the small tins lining the side wall.I’d never really paid attention before but they had lavender-infused Earl Grey in a pretty gray-purple tin and a dozen or so other choices.Nowhere near as many as in the tea shop Erik and I visited, but there was a black tea with orange peel that looked interesting and a lapsang with ginger I wanted to see if Erik liked.I picked up three of the tins and headed to register.
“Tea?”asked Meredith.“I thought you only drank coffee.”She pinned me with her too-perceptive gaze, and I tried to figure out how to explain that they weren’t for me without mentioning that they were for someone else.
“I drink tea sometimes.”
“No.You don’t.You drink coffee by the industrial carafe size.I’ve never seen you drink tea.”
“It’s a new thing.I’ve got a friend who got me into it.”I shrugged as if it were the most natural explanation in the world.
“Oh my God, you’ve met someone.You’re in love.”She let out a squeal so loud it was a miracle the plate glass window stayed intact.
“Ow.”I juggled the tins so I could stick my finger in my ear to stop the ringing.I don’t know why people do that.It didn’t help.“Maybe dial it back a couple hundred decibels, and no, I’m not in love.”I wasn’t, was I?I mean, there was the tea but that’s what friends did—get things for each other.Erik and I had already established we were friends.More disturbing were the re-ordered priorities, but that didn’t mean I was in love.Did it?Fuck.
Meredith grabbed my elbow, dragged me to the counter to pay for the tea and hurried me to a table in the back of the restaurant before releasing me.
“My coffee,” I said, looking plaintively at the counter.It felt like I was miles from caffeine and cacao faced with nothing but a ginger in her full power, determined to help me sort through my feelings.
“Relax, you big baby,” she said, sounding uncharacteristically demanding.Meredith was usually the nice one.“I’ll get your coffee after you tell me his name.And don’t bother trying to deny it.”
“It’s complicated,” I said, trying to work out how to tell her about Erik without telling her everything about him.
And then reconsidered before I opened my mouth because, as it turned out, I actually wanted someone to talk to about him who wasn’t obsessed with attorney-client privilege.I loved Charlotte and I knew she loved me, but given the way we started, I wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to see him through anything other than her lawyer filter.We were way beyond that.Hell, I wasn’t sure that’s where we’d even started.I’d have to check with him, but I’d bet we’d both built a pretty extensive fantasy around each other before we got to the deposition.I know I had.I hadn’t been ready to tell Elena.I was ready now.
“His name’s Erik.And I’m not in love.At least I don’t think I am.”
Managing to stifle another squeal, Meredith hugged me while I collapsed back into my chair, wondering how I’d ever let things get this far.Erik and I were supposed to be playing at Bondage 101.Hell, maybe 501.He could teach a graduate-level course on floggers alone.We’d crossed over from adversaries to friends, but honestly, that was supposed to be it.Emotions had no place in anything we’d done.
Except they did.I’d been more honest with Erik than I’d been with any other man.Maybe because we’d started out not needing to impress each other, maybe because he demanded honesty in my responses to him, and we were both too damn competitive to cheat or give up.I thought back to the way he’d cradled me in his arms as I read to him.The way he saidheneeded to hold me.He’d been the one doing the spanking, but I hadn’t been the only one making myself vulnerable.
Did that mean he’d let his emotions get involved too?A freaking colony of butterflies set up residence in my stomach and the whiplash pulled me up short.I wanted him involved—emotionally invested up to his eyeballs—and I didn’t want to ever talk to him about any of it.In equal measures.Trying to hold two thoughts that couldn’t exist simultaneously threatened to strip the last bit of my control.
“Hold on a minute,” said Meredith, her forehead creased in concern.“I’ll go get your coffee and then we’ll talk.”
I nodded, not sure I could manage more without caffeine.I glanced down at the bag holding the tea canisters still clutched in my arms and fought the visceral urge to fling them away.Like maybe if I ignored my feelings for Erik, they might disappear.I opted for setting the bag on the floor beside me and stared at my empty hands resting on the café tabletop until Meredith came back with my macchiato and a small box of truffles.She set the cup in my hands and opened the box, revealing the balls of chocolatey goodness.
“Let’s start with the easy question.Where did you meet this Erik?”She took a swallow of her coffee and waited, watching me, presumably for signs I planned to bolt and take the truffles with me.
I popped one in my mouth instead and waited for the rich chocolate with its slight hit of cayenne to hit my system, washing it down with the rich frothy coffee.
“He was the attorney behind the cease-and-desist motion.”
“No shit?”Meredith’s green eyes went wide and she blew out a breath.“No wonder you don’t look happy about the love thing.How did you manage this?”
“He hired me.”I popped another truffle—hazelnut this time—in my mouth and told her everything.When I got to the flogger andOutlander,she made me wait until she refilled our macchiatos, calories be damned.By the time we got to the part where I admitted I’d fallen in love with the arrogant attorney, the truffles were long gone, and I was feeling a sense of loss that had nothing to do with the lack of chocolate.
I’d made a rookie mistake and confused good—fuck, phenomenal—sex with intimacy.I’d fallen in love with a man who wasn’t looking for a relationship.Hell, in the beginning, he hadn’t been looking for anything other than to teach me a lesson.I ignored the fact that I’d learned that lesson and more and pushed aside all the other things we’d done together.The sweet things.The things I knew I’d miss when we walked away.There was no reason to compound the mistake I’d already made by going farther down a road I was sure led to a dead end.
––––––––
ISCANNED THE pagefor the fifth time, still losing the thread of the words before I reached the end.I was used to dealing with the challenge reading presented me.I had a half dozen coping mechanisms and worked them like a boss.Most of the time it didn’t matter, but when I was distracted, all bets were off.It seemed like since I met Alex, I was always distracted.
I had one more brief to finish before I could leave for the weekend.I’d cleared my schedule and told my assistant I was unavailable to anyone—including paralegals and clients—unless there was actual bloodshed involved.Anything short of incarceration could wait until Monday.I wanted two uninterrupted days with Alex, and I was willing to move heaven and earth to get them.
I gave up on trying to read the words in front of me and put in my earbud instead, activating the text-to-speech app to read the file to me.Even that reminded me of her and the photo she’d sent me during my meeting.The way she’d looked stretched out in the tub.
