“It’s okay.” Pressing her hand flat against my chest, I hold it there, under mine. When I’m sure she’s not going to move away from me, I lift my hand to re-tuck my arm behind my head. “Next question?”
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“I have a younger brother,” I say, giving her another wry smile. “His name is Mason—he works the crab boats with our dad.”
“Will you go see them while you’re here?”
“It’s the middle of peak season so they’re out on the water but I’ll probably stop in and see my mom before I head back.” Still staring at the ceiling, I shake my head because I really don’t want to talk about my mom right now. “Next question?”
“Do you miss living here?”
“Do I miss Boston?” I turn my head to look at her. “It’s home. It’ll always be home but it’s not where I belong.”
“Where do you belong?”
“Here. I belong here.”With you. Looking back at her, I can see it. How hard she’s struggling not to look away when I say it. How ready she is to deny it because even though I didn’t say it out loud, she still heard me. “You’re wearing the anklet I gave you.”
When I say it, she flinches, just enough to let me know that she’d been hoping I hadn’t noticed. “Yes.”
“Have you taken it off since you came home?” I ask, still looking at her. I don’t know why it matters but it does.
Shaking her head, Millie’s chin digs into my chest. “No.”
“Why?” I can barely get the word out. Watching her, it’s all I can do to keep breathing.
“Because…” Her gaze wavers again like she’s fighting to keep it on mine. “Because you asked me not to.”
I was wrong.
It doesn’t mean something.
It means everything.
“Are you ready for your mission, Millie?”
When I say it, her chin comes up off my chest and her mouth pops open. Before she can protest, ask me what she did to warrant punishment, I shake my head.
“You called me alying, cheating, smug, egotistical bastard, remember?” I feel my lips twitch when her mouth snaps shut on whatever argument she was about to launch. “I’ll agree thatI’m most of those things but I take exception to being called a cheater. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life.”
Her gaze narrows suspiciously. “Never?”
“As impossible as that might seem—never,” I confirm. “Mainly because I’ve never been in a serious, committed relationship until now.”
She pulls back. Just enough to tell me she caught what I just said and she doesn’t know how to react. What I’m asking for. “Dean?—”
“Are you ready for your mission, Mills?” I ask, cutting her off again for the same reason as before. I’m not ready for tomorrow. For the way she’ll look at me and the things she’ll say. I’m not ready. I’ll never be ready.
“Yes.” Giving me a small nod. “I’m ready.”
“Tell me you love me.” When all she does is stare at me, I shake my head before aiming my gaze at the ceiling because the way she’s looking at me is too hard to take. “I know it’s a lie. I know it’s not real. That I’m not the right guy for you. I know that I’ve done too much and you’re never going to let yourself believe anything I say.” Swallowing hard, I briefly contemplate jumping up and ramming my head through the wall, just to shut myself up. “Look—I know it’s fucked-up and I swear to you, I’ll never ask again… just lie to me, Mills. Tell me you love me.”
For a long terrible moment, she doesn’t say a word. She just stares at me, so long and so quiet that I’m sure she’s not going to say anything at all.
And then she does.
“I love you, Dean.”
Closing my eyes, I realize what a mistake I’ve made. That I was wrong. Hearing her say it didn’t fix anything. It didn’t make me feel better. It didn’t change a goddamned thing. Ifanything it made it worse, because it put us right where I didn’t want to be.
