Jack swatted the comment away. “That is Rus’s job, not mine. I would encourage you to have a little fun, and kissing a Navy man could be just that. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
“I take it you often participate in such meaningless exchanges?”
He shrugged, but the wide grin he wore told me enough.
“You are incorrigible, Jack. One day, some lady is going to catch your fancy, and you will set aside your rakish ways.”
“It’s as likely as you getting married,” he countered. “You and I will live our lives in bliss, alone, with the world as our oyster.” He lifted his cup at the declaration and drank soundly from it.
Once, I would have joined him with hearty enthusiasm, but the idea of spending the rest of my life alone left a hollowness in me that I had never experienced. I had anticipated it. For as long as I could remember, I wanted my independence. Only recently had that want developed into an aversion to marriage. I’d been content with the notion of dying an old spinster with no husband to constrain me in any way. But not having a husband also meant not starting a family. Yes, I had my parents and siblings. Despite our efforts to aggravate one another, the love between us was filling.
But would it always be so? My parents certainly would not be around forever, and what if my brothers and sisterdidwed? They would become busy with their own families. For all Jack’s teasing, I doubted he would remain a bachelor forever. Russell would require an heir. Rowe and Bridget had never detested the idea. Where did that leave me, then?
Alone. Entirely alone, and the prospect did not thrill me as it once had.
I stood abruptly, forcing a smile to my lips. “I’m going for a ride. Would you care to join me?”
“I’m to visit Moira,” said Bridget. “She refuses to come here now that Jack is home.”
Bridget shot Jack a look of annoyance. If Jack and Father’s relationship was to be described as turbulent, his interactions with Moira Blackford, Bridget’s best friend, were utterly tempestuous. The two of them were always at odds, mostly due to Jack’s unrestrained teasing.
“Very well, then,” I said, turning toward my brother. “What of you?”
Jack lifted a brow, clearly bewildered by my sudden intent to leave. My plate remained half full, after all. “After I speak with Father, I might go into town. I have not decided.”
I tried not to allow my smile to falter. Not even a day back, and already Jack wished to be anywhere but home. It broke my heart, but I wouldn’t chide him for it. “Then I shall see you both tonight.”
He nodded, and I left the room to quickly grab my gloves. I didn’t bother to change into my riding habit or put on a bonnet, and my request for a groomsman to bring me Rain without a saddle only brought out a chuckle from him. I rode away from the stables at a sedate pace, but once sheltered by the trees, I drew Rain to a halt. A light, cool breeze teased at my hair and rustled the leaves above us. Some had changed from green to orange already, and the rest would follow in the coming weeks. Then, they would flutter to the ground, free to be carried off on the breeze.
Free. How often had I longed to be as carefree as the leaves? To no longer be bound by a trunk or branches, stifled by Society’s expectations?
Reaching to the top of my head, I pulled the pins from my hair one by one until my red tresses fell, undoing all of my maid’s hard work. She would forgive me, or at the very least had grown accustomed to having to fix the tangled mess it often became during a ride. Today, I needed to feel the wind sweep through my hair. I needed to remind myself what it felt like to exist without the constant judgment and scrutiny of the world.
With my encouragement, Rain trotted down the path. Once we broke away from the trees, our pace increased into a full gallop as we crossed the estate, racing through the archway of The Towers and toward the meadow beyond. Free from its confines, my hair whipped against my face, wild and chaotic. I could already feel the strands snagging against one another, tossed to and fro like seaweed raveling on a rocky shore. Were I to be seen in such disarray, gasps of horror would ensue, for no outstanding member of Society would sanction such unkemptness from a viscount’s daughter.
If Father granted me an inheritance, I would have a comfortable living. I would not be restrained by anyone’s demands. Their expectations. The money would allow me to purchase a small cottage in the countryside and enjoy the luxury of being removed from the judgment of thehaut ton.
But…that particular freedom removed opportunities as well. While becoming some man’s wife held no appeal for me, having children of my owndid. That much had become clear to me in the past two weeks, a sense of longing tugging at me each time I visited Margaret or thought of Mrs. Pomfrey’s little babe. Regardless of our frequent disputes, I loved my siblings. My parents. Nearly every fond memory I possessed involved my family in some way. It was the kind of blissful life I had no wish to surrender.
By choosing not to marry, I was depriving myself of it. I could not achieve complete independence without also sacrificing a future that involved children and a home full of laughter and larks. Like the leaves, I would be free from the tree but still prisoner to the whims of the breeze.
The tips of the crumbling ruins peaked above the trees in the distance, and I steered Rain toward them. I needed to get away from the castle—to clear my head. For years, I had been certain of how I wanted my future to look. Now, doubt clouded my resolve, and I questioned all I had been prepared to forfeit on my path to independence.
But even if I chose to alter my course, could I trust myself to find an honest man? Could I trust my own discernment when I had failed to see the flaws of Mr. Wilcot?
Sunlight dispersed beneath the woodland canopy, the path meandering through the shadows. Ahead, the trail diverged, one branch leading to my place of reflection among the deteriorating stones, the other toward the neighboring estate and town. Just as I meant to steer Rain in the direction of the ruins, a soft whinny caught my attention, and I pulled on the reins.
There, just beyond the path leading toward town, standing in a patch of long grass, was Lieutenant Paget’s horse.
My brows furrowed, and I guided Rain to where the stallion stood, grazing. His reins had been tied off to a nearby tree, his rider nowhere in sight.
Odd.
I dismounted, my gaze sweeping the area as my boots hit the ground. Where had Edward gone?
I shouldn’t care. Ididn’tcare. The ruins and a bit of peace awaited me down the other path, but blast it all if the man did not provoke my curiosity to a ridiculous degree. He claimed to attend to business each morning, yet here was his horse, alone in a grassy space in the woods. What sort of business could he possibly have here? A meeting with a squirrel?
I scoffed. It was not my concern. I should leave before the loathsome man appeared.
