All I can do is nod and turn back to the stove to flip the bacon as Zakai enters my space and wraps his arms around my waist.
“Talk to me, Caziya. Your eyes are blank and unfocused, so I know something is up,” Zakai whispers.
A shiver runs down my back from the deep countenance of his voice as concern laces his words. I lean back to let Zakai support my weight as I momentarily forget about the bacon that sizzles in the pan. His arms tighten around me as peace enters my body, and I take a second to tell him about Aunt Emmy’s requests, along with the anxiousness I have.
“Do you need me to go with you?”
Want you to, yes. Need you to, no.
Despite my desire to continue basking in the comfort of Zakai’s strength, I put on my big-girl panties and provide the answer that fits this situation.
“No. I’ll be fine.”
“Okay. How about you come back afterward so I can confirm that’s still the case?” Zakai places a kiss on the back of my head as I nod.
I continue with Zakai and Zakiyah’s breakfast preparations before I move to shower and head out to Aunt Emmy’s house. Despite Zakai’s objections, I refuse to consume the breakfast of bacon, eggs, and cheese grits. I can eat at Aunt Emmy’s house if I get hungry before I leave, because I know she's made breakfast too. After taking a minute to bribe Zakiyah into eating the grits, I didn’t have much time to work with. So, my hair is unruly, and I'm wearing one of Zakai’s caps as I run out the front door with a promise to return.
Thanks to light Sunday morning traffic, I arrive at Aunt Emmy’s house within fifteen minutes. My eyes pinch, and wrinkles dance on my forehead when an unknown SUV sits in her driveway. I park beside it and get out with a frown on my face as I walk to the front door. Aunt Emmy doesn’t have company on Sundays due to church, so I have no clue who the visitor is. But I insert my key and walk in like Caziya Arleta Winston is on the deed.
“Bunny, is that you?” Aunt Emmy questions as I head toward the living room.
My feet pull up short, and I almost trip when I enter the room to see Rosetta. A metallic taste fills my mouth, and my stomach sours instantly.
“Come on in and take a seat, Bunny,” Aunt Emmy says.
My eyes are on Rosetta, making it challenging for me to breathe or form thoughts as my feet move on their own accord. I gingerly sit on the edge of the lounger as I fight the urge to wipe my sweaty hands on my pants. Countless minutes of silence ensue as I turn my fingers over each other while my eyes focus on my lap. I have no idea why I have been summoned here this morning, but I won’t be the one initiating the conversation.
“Uh, Caziya, I had Auntie call you over here today so that we could have a discussion,” Rosetta says, and my head pops up like a jack-in-the-box due to her calling me by my first name.
For as long as I can remember, Rosetta has never used the name when she addresses me. While it has been an area of contention for me, I have gotten accustomed to it at this point. My first name on Rosetta’s lips is foreign to my ears.
“I’m not a mediator or anything, but I believe this conversation is well past due. You’re going to potentially hear a lot of things, Bunny, and all I ask is that you keep an open mind.” Aunt Emmy interjects as my mind reels and my pulse races.
From the unease in Rosetta’s eyes, I know there’s truth in Aunt Emmy’s words, which causes me to pray internally.
Dear God, please be with me like you have many times before. Give me the strength to endure it all. Amen.
“I was raped.” Rosetta’s words cause me to gasp as my eyes balloon, and my breathing becomes labored.
“Dang it, Rosetta. Couldn’t you find an easier approach?” Aunt Emmy stands and quickly moves to me. “Breathe, Bunny. In. Out. In. Out. That’s it,” she coaches as I do as she says, as water falls from my eyes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know how else to say it. But it’s the reason I was unable to raise you and have spent your life avoiding any type of relationship with you. It’s why I have been switching men like underwear all these years. I have been hiding from the trauma of my past, and your existence is part of that trauma,” Rosetta says, and my heart rate elevates.
Of all the things I thought Rosetta would say, this wasn’t it, and while it explains so much to me, it also hurts to hear, and I instantly feel dirty. Aunt Emmy taps my thigh and indicates for me to stand, and I do so without a word. She takes a seat in the lounger and pulls me down on her lap like she did when I was a kid. Her arms surround my body as she utters a prayer that only I can hear, just as Rosetta continues.
“It wasn't until three weeks after seeing you that my relationship ended, and I realized that I was in fact having theday that you told me to have. Only the day had actually been years, and I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to deserve those kinds of days and nights. Although Auntie just called you last night, I have been here a couple of days because she was the first person I needed to get right with. To be honest, Auntie isn’t the person I feared laying myself bare with. Caziya, I failed you for all the wrong reasons. It was never you that I had a problem with, but I let you be the scapegoat.”
My eyes become blurry from the heavy water that slides down my face. Aunt Emmy’s hands rub up and down my back as she prays over me.
“I know I don’t deserve it, but can you please forgive me? Forgive me for treating you like a burden, for repeatedly overshadowing your greatness. Forgive me for neglecting, rejecting, and refusing to love you. I’m so sorry for not being the woman and mother that you deserved. Please forgive me.” By the time Rosetta is done, her words are choppy from the hiccups between the tears she’s releasing that match mine.
“I, . . . Um . . . I—uh . . .” I’m at a loss for words as my brain spins with Rosetta’s words. I didn’t expect her to say any of these things to me, and I don’t know how I should respond to them.
“Okay. I can see that I’ve overwhelmed you. How about you think about it, and then we can go from there? The ball is in your court, Caziya. If you tell me that the damage is too great and you’re not interested, I’ll respect it,” Rosetta says, giving me a much-needed out because I’m unsure what to do.
Time is definitely what I need as all I can do is cry right now. There are various thoughts in my mind, and I struggle to settle on a single one. To forgive Rosetta is to provide a second chance; I’m unsure if she deserves it. I’m too raw to know if my heart can stand to open for the aftermath of Rosetta going back to the way she treats me now.
Two hours and a nap that Aunt Emmy made me take later, I walk back into Zakai’s house after I let him know that I was here. His reply told me the door would be open, and I should come on in. Despite the slumber I had, I feel heavy, as if I could benefit from spending the rest of the day in Zakai’s arms and bed.
