“Agreed. Date him without fear or limitations. We’re going to support you every step of the way. To show our cooperation, we’re gonna get out of here and let you give that man whatever he’s seeking,” Paula adds before grabbing Jandra’s hand to pull her toward the door, and I add my commentary.
“I promise to do exactly that, but on my terms this time.”
My gaze returns to my phone, and I finally take a second to respond to Zakai.
Me:
I’m sorry, love. My friends are here but leaving. I’m down for whatever and whenever. The ball is in your court, Daddy.
Zakai:
Nah, that name won’t work for you because the last thing I need to be thinking about while fucking you is my daughter. Pick something else on your way over to my crib. I need to see you again.
“Bye, Caziya,” Jandra and Paula say before I hear my front door open and close, preventing me from returning their goodbye.
Now that my girls have left, I practically skip to my bedroom to find something decent to put on. Seeing Zakai and spending more time with him isn’t a consolation prize for dismissing my girls for the evening. In fact, the idea of lying on Zakai again fills me with merriment.
My focusand attention are supposed to be on the family dinner at my parents’ house, where Zakiyah and I are currently. I’m in a chokehold thanks to one person, though. Caziya. The woman who has me changing my mind about my future. The woman whose presence I didn’t realize had been missing in my life. The woman I see myself building a life with. The woman who’s the only one capable of becoming a stepmother to my daughter.
Caziya is, simply put, the woman my heart has been searching and longing for. I didn’t realize how much I had been missing with the opposite sex until Caziya and I started dating. Over the past few weeks, Caziya and I have been laying the foundation. She’s been over to my house several times a week, and it has been a seamless journey. My heart jumps, and mymind conjures possible proposal scenarios every time I see her praying with Zakiyah at bedtime.
My baby has taken to Caziya like bees on honey, and I’m no longer surprised by her excitement. Caziya not only prays with Kiki but she also reads to her, paints her little toes on their makeshift spa days, and plays dolls with her. I welcome it because Zakiyah has only been around and influenced by Ma and Asia. With the addition of Caziya, Kiki is able to receive love and nourishment from someone without blood ties.
“Want Yaya, Daddy,” Zakiyah says, and returns my attention to my surroundings as my eyes land on my daughter.
Zakiyah isn’t able to say Caziya’s name, so the nickname is the alternative and seems to be easier for her to enunciate. Her little eyes plead for me to magically produce Caziya, and her little hands rest on her waist. All I can do is chuckle because it’s another testament to Caziya’s presence in my life. Zakiyah has become a traitor in the sense that she wants Caziya more than she wants me. I want to be mad and jealous, but instead, my chest aches and my heart grows fonder for the woman in question.
“Later, Kiki,” I say before she rolls her eyes and huffs in protest.
I understand Zakiyah’s attitude because this isn’t her first time asking for Caziya, but I have done a good job at ignoring her up to this point. If Kiki had it her way, Caziya would always be with us.
“Uh, who’s Yaya? It’s not a name I’ve heard before, and I know the wives of your friends. I know you don’t have some random person around my grandbaby,” Ma asks.
I intended to brush Zakiyah off so I wouldn’t have to walk into this very line of questions. Maybe if I pretend to be deaf, Ma will forget that she wants a closer look into my personal life.
“I know you hear me talking, Zakai Elijah.” So much for not answering Ma, because the inflection of her voice while she calls me by my first and middle name tells me that I might as well give her the information she’s seeking.
“Uh, she’s the woman in my life,” I say, not feeling the hot seat my daughter has put me in as my eyes roam around the room.
Dad’s rapt attention is on me. Asia has a smirk on her lips, and her eyes shine with glee. Asia’s expression isn’t a surprise as she has tried to fix me up on several occasions. Asia supports me raising Zakiyah, but she doesn’t want me to be single while doing so.
“Woman in your life, huh? Why is this the first time we’re hearing anything about it?” Ma asks.
My gaze shifts to Zakiyah, whose eyes are still on me without an ounce of remorse. The hardness in her stare would be comical if I weren’t under interrogation for her uttering Caziya’s name. I can’t be mad at my baby, because I have been missing Caziya, too, despite seeing her yesterday. Since Caziya and I had sex and I got to experience her lying on my chest, I have been like a dog with a bone. It’s as if she were my first, and the presence of Zakiyah is confirmation that that's not true. Nevertheless, Caziya has my damn nose wide open, and I want to live in her skin.
“Boy,” Ma says, effectively causing my attention to return to the conversation at hand.
“It’s new, Ma. I’ve been feeling things out, so it hasn’t been time to make y’all aware of my budding relationship.”
Although my heart has been in go mode with what Caziya and I have, my mind wanders with reservations. Zakiyah’s mother was the last woman I’ve been in a serious relationship with. When it fizzled and went out like a sparkler on the Fourth of July, I haven’t been receptive to commitment in that regard.Part of me is afraid of putting myself in that position and getting my heart broken. The other part of me is skeptical of what it could mean for my life. My life isn’t my own, and if I develop feelings for a woman who walks all over them, it will affect Zakiyah and me.
“So, how does feeling things out involve my granddaughter? Your reservations haven’t been bad enough to keep your daughter out of it. So, what’s the real deal?” Dad asks, entering the conversation for the first time.
Walter Tillman is an observer by nature, so it doesn’t surprise me that he’s been quiet up to this point. For the most part, he allows Ma to talk without adding his commentary. But when he does, it’s usually in a thought-provoking way and without malice.
“Honestly, the introduction between Caziya and Zakiyah was by happenstance. I met Caziya first, and then we bumped into each other while I was getting ice cream for Kiki. The thing that caught me off guard is that Zakiyah read something worth clinging to with Caziya. She was smiling and receptive to Caziya in a way I have only seen her do with family,” I provide as the memory surfaces and a goofy smile slides into place from that encounter.
“Don’t—”
