Or at least pretending I felt nothing.
“You honor her by mourning her,” Taio said.“My people scream and cry and rend their clothing when they mourn.”
I tried to imagine doing that.“I don’t think that’s my way,” I whispered.
“Your way is to pretend to be strong,” he said.“You have a hard shell on the outside, but inside your pain makes you tender.And vulnerable.”
I couldn’t deny there was some truth in his words.Sometruth.“I’m not vulnerable.I’ll fight as hard as anyone and win.”
He tapped my chin gently with a finger.Reluctantly I lifted my eyes to peer into his face, which was little more than a pale shadow in the night.“You will be stronger if you wear some of that softness on the outside, as you do now.Let some of that outer strength penetrate.”His hand tapped my heart.“Let the hurt out,” he whispered, “and you will grow fiercer.”
“You sound like one of our healers,” I said.
“I speak from experience.”
I wanted to ask him what experience, but abruptly he set me aside and sat up.He whispered something to Omira, who had paused on her patrol of our camp.He joined her, moving soundlessly.They stood together, staring into the dark trees.I studied the trees too, listening for hisses and grunts or the telltale sound of a twig snapping.I heard nothing but leaves rustled by the wind and the chirps of insects.Nothing moved in the darkness, but somehow I knew Gaz was out there.He might even be watching me now.
After what seemed like a very long time, Taio came back.“You should be sleeping,” he said, crouching by his bedroll.
I nodded and lay back down.He lifted the outer flap of his bedroll, and I thought about what he’d said to me last night.You must ask for what you want.
“Taio?”
He stilled, one leg inside his bedroll.
“Will you hold me?”My voice sounded small and whiny.I immediately regretted the words.I would have taken them back if I hadn’t needed so badly to be comforted.If I hadn’t been fighting sleep because I was afraid what dreams might come.But if I was in his arms, perhaps I would feel safe.Mayhap his presence would hold the dreams at bay.Ridiculous thoughts.
Without a word, he moved his bedroll close to mine, slid under the coat, and pulled me against him.My face was hot with embarrassment, and I appreciated his silence.He didn’t ask questions.He simply took me in his arms and held me close.“Sleep now,” he murmured against my hair.“I have you.”
I nodded and closed my eyes.“Thank you,” I said.
“I need no thanks for holding you.”
“I meant for”—I swallowed—“for taking care of Finnrey.”
He inhaled slowly and deeply.“It was my honor,” he said.“I did it quick and painless.”
My throat had closed and I couldn’t speak, so I merely put my arms around him and squeezed.He might have given me a hundred ornaments of pure tertanium and I wouldn’t have appreciated the gift as much as what he’d done for Finnrey.
“Have you ever...”I cleared my throat.“Have you ever done anything like that before?”I asked.He’d said they hadn’t encountered any Hollows on their way to Highcastle.Perhaps he’d never seen one close or taken a life.
“I have taken a life before,” he said.“In self-defense.”
“What happened?”I asked.
“Another time, Mara.Sleep now.”
He seemed determined to tell me as little as possible about himself and his life in Zulen.“One more question, and this I need to know now that we’ve lost Finnrey, Gaz, and Nize.”
“Go on.”He sounded wary.
“Have you and your people ever fought Hollows before?”I knew what skills and training and experience my friends had, but I knew nothing about the Zulenii.If I was the only one with experience killing Hollows, that changed everything about our journey.
“All four of us have fought the Twilight Men,” Taio said.“We...”His voice trailed off.“The four of us have experience, though not nearly as much as you.Any advice you have, would be useful.”
I couldn’t imagine a kingdom where the threat of Hollows wasn’t part of everyday life.“Tell me about your kingdom,” I said.“What is it like?”
He sighed and his hand on my back moved in slow, drugging circles.“Zulen is full of music,” he said.“You will notice this right away as when I entered Earsleh the absence of music was deafening.”
