Morll was the leader of our squad.Finnrey, Gaz, Nize, myself, and most of the others lived either inside the castle gates or near its secure fortifications.We had protection duty twice a year, but Morll and his men were always on patrol or at the Barrier.That was their job.I didn’t envy them.I couldn’t stop hearing the sound the skullcrusher had made when it entered that boy’s flesh.The squelch and crack made my belly roil even now.
I must have swayed because Gaz reached out and grasped my arm.“Are you well?You seem unsteady.”The anger left his voice, replaced by concern.
“I’m fine,” I said, snatching my arm away, even if escaping his touch was the last thing I wanted to do.My skin felt warm where he’d held it.He’d been touching me more often lately.I thought I’d been imagining his more frequent affections, but perhaps not.
“Anyone else and I’d say she was upset at killing a kid,” Nize said.“But I didn’t think Mara had feelings.”
I gave him a tight smile.“I don’t, Nize.Butyoumight feel something when I ram my foot up your ass.”
Nize laughed and Gaz smiled and nodded, looking relieved that I seemed to be showing signs of my old self again.
“We should do a search for the Hollows that killed the family,” Finnrey said.“They’re still out there.”
Gaz looked at the sky, and I followed his gaze.The sun was low on the horizon and night would be fast upon us.Unless we were in danger, Morll wanted us all back at camp before dark.
“Let’s go back and talk to Morll,” Gaz said.“We’ll see if a few of us can go after them.But if the kid was close to turning, the Hollows must have come through hours ago.It might even have been last night, which means it won’t be easy to track them down.”
“I guess I know what we’ll be doing for the last days before our tour is done,” Nize said.
Finnrey started back toward camp, and we all followed.Was I wrong to hope that we didn’t find the Hollows before I returned to the castle?Probably.If we didn’t kill them then one of my friends or relatives would have to.I didn’t want anything to happen to them—unless it was my half-sister Broga.I didn’t think I’d mind too much if she never returned from a tour of duty.
“Mara,” Gaz said.
I blinked and looked over at him.I’d been so deep in thought, staring at my boots as they trekked over the dusty ground, that I hadn’t noticed he’d fallen back and walked beside me.
“Are you sure you’re well?”
No, no I wasn’t sure of that at all, but I wasn’t about to admit how I felt to Gaz.He was the last person I wanted to be vulnerable with.Gaz was strong and honorable.I didn’t want him to think me weak or pity me because I was upset that I crushed the head of a little boy.We all had to do horrible things out here.It was the only way our kingdom could survive.Other kingdoms hadn’t.
“Never better,” I said.“Did you and Nize see anything after we split up?”
“No.We visited two farms, and the people told us all was quiet.”
“We’d better go back tomorrow and warn them,” I said, thinking mayhap I’d try and volunteer for that job rather than tracking down Hollows who’d made their way into Earsleh.
“I don’t like that you killed that Hollow on your own,” Gaz said.I glanced at him sharply.
“You don’t think I’m capable?”Even though women fought alongside with men now, most people privately thought women warriors inferior to their male counterparts.My mother said old beliefs were like honey—sticky and hard to wash off.
“I know you’re capable, but I don’t like you taking chances.”
“We all have to take chances,” I said, keeping my tone neutral.But my heart—oh, my heart—sped up.I had tried for years to bury my feelings for Gaz.But ever since I’d been about fourteen and he seventeen, I’d felt a funny flutter in my belly whenever I saw him.I hadn’t paid much attention to him before that, but then everything changed.For some reason, I’d been in the castle courtyard when his patrol had returned home.By that time, I’d been on patrol two or three times myself.Mayhap that was why I was interested in witnessing the team’s return.I wanted to hear if they’d seen any Hollows or killed any.The gods forbid they might have lost a team member.
I remember standing in the courtyard near the fountain with the statue of King Wollem II and seeing the enormous wooden gates open to admit the team back.These were the second set of gates.The team would have been inspected in the yard between the two sets to make sure no one showed any signs of being bitten or infected.
At only seventeen, Gaz didn’t lead the team, but my gaze fell on him nonetheless.He was the tallest member of the patrol, and the low-hanging sun seemed to light up his golden skin so that it all but glowed.He had the beginnings of a beard, and he looked so much like a man that, at first, I almost didn’t recognize him.
I had to press a hand to my belly to stop the fluttering, and when he passed, my head turned to follow him.
“Keep your tongue in your mouth, Mara,” my mother had said.
I hadn’t known she was beside me or I would have behaved more circumspectly.I almost retorted that she was one to talk, but I closed my lips tight and resolved not to be caught ogling Gaz or any other man again.
I was not my mother.
Remembering her words that day, I kept my gaze straight ahead, resisting the urge to catch a glimpse of Gaz now.He’d shown no particular interest in me that day or any other.He treated me just like all the other patrol members.Just because he steadied me with a hand on my arm or a pat on the back, didn’t mean he was attracted to me.My mother had bemoaned my lack of attractiveness since my growth spurt at the age of nine.Not only did I lack the clear, dark eyes so desirable in our kingdom, I was taller than every woman and most men.Earslehen men found short, athletic women attractive.I was tall and slim and not nearly as muscular as many of my kinswomen.I was often told I had a pretty face, and that seemed to be a consolation compliment to counter the drawback of my unfortunate height.When I was younger, I hoped that pretty face might make up for my flaws, but no boys showed any interest in me.I hadn’t been kissed, except in childish games, and I’d never been courted.
Not that I would have welcomed the attentions of the men eligible to court me.The male nobles who ranked high enough to marry a royal princess were older than my father.
