Neither of us speak for a while, but finally, I find the nerve to say something first. “I came out to my parents.”
Declan gapes at me in surprise. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”
I shrug. “Because it was nothing.”
“Horse shite. It wasn’t nothing.”
“They treated it like it was nothing. They weren’t offended or surprised or happy. They both just nodded their heads, and it was really uncomfortable until my father brought up something else.”
“You’ve got to be joking,” he says.
“Maybe that’s why I’m such a people pleaser,” I say with a laugh. “My parents raised me to never make a sound. Not a single peep.”
“Fuck that,” he mutters, taking a pull from the bottle. “We’re going out to celebrate, because it most certainly isnotnothing.”
As I lift my beer to my lips, I feel a smile tug at the corners because I realize that Declan has been teaching me to cause waves and make noise since I met him six years ago. He’s been slowly healing me this entire time.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Colin
“This list is quite extensive,” I say, scrolling through the website on my phone that Declan sent me this morning.
“Extensive is good,” he replies.
It’s our last day in Amsterdam, and while the week has been filled with all of the sex and time with Declan that I have wanted, we’ve decided to slow things down on the kinky exploration.
At first, I was disappointed—no, devastated. But he’s right. I’m not ready. Not if he can’t trust me.
So it was his idea to find one of these lists online, things that a couple could do in the bedroom, and I would fill it out for him, or I guess for anyone. That way, boundaries are set in place beforehand, and it would potentially prevent anything harmful from happening.
“I mean, how do I know if I don’t want…” My voice trails off before glancing around to be sure nobody can hear us on our walk. “Fisting,” I whisper, “until I’ve tried it?”
Declan laughs. “That is where safe words come in handy, Shakespeare,” he replies. “Because you don’t want to be in the middle of that and decide you don’t like it without a way of expressing it.”
I heave a sigh. “True. Best strike it through for now.”
I scroll through the rest of the list, feeling a bit bittersweet about it. As exciting as some of this is, I realize that a lot of it would require something Declan and I don’t have—time.
“I wish you could come to California,” I say, knowing how reckless it is.
“I would,” he replies, which takes me by surprise.
“You would?”
“It’s just that my family’s going through a lot right now, with my brother and the house. We’re still struggling,” he replies. “I think we still need to be near each other, and I don’t want to leave them.”
“I understand.” Even though I hate it. I hate that grief has caused more than pain. That it’s maimed his entire life and future. “Maybe I could make it back to London more,” I say in a hopeful tone.
“No. Your career is about to take off, Shakespeare. That should be your priority, not time with me.”
I know he’s right, but it still hurts.
“Now finish that form, because I want to show you something before I take you back to the houseboat. We still have one last night together.”
I’ve never felt more motivated to fill out a form in my life, so I do as he says. We’re walking slowly down a quiet side street as I scroll through the list, being a bit more conservative as I click the items that I feel quite confident I wouldn’t say no to.
As usual, he holds me by his side, keeping me from walking into traffic. Just as I finish the list, he stops at a doorway down a quiet street.
