“Well, nobody asked you,” I reply, my anger dissipating.
“Go then,” he shouts.
“Fine.” I stop in my tracks as Declan continues walking. Absolutely no part of me wants to go back to that alley and do anything with Niall now, let alone suck his cock. And as infuriated as I am at Declan, I don’t want to stand here all night either. So, after a few moments, I relent and continue following him home.
Chapter Ten
Colin
Declan and I are both silent when we reach the residence hall, but it’s a tense, spiteful silence. He slams doors, and I throw pillows, but neither of us says a word to the other.
I’m not even sure why I’m cross with him. He did get me out of a bad situation, but maybe I’m mad that I was in it in the first place.
Maybe I’m mad that my one chance of actually being with someone turned out to be a nightmare.
Maybe I’m mad that everything is so fucking easy for Declan. He has no idea what it’s like. He’s handsome, charming, funny. Women flock to him. He hardly has to do anything. He doesn’t have to worry about coming out or being bullied or threatened at all because of who he’s attracted to.
He’s naturally dominant. He doesn’t ever have to worry that somebody is going to take advantage of him if he’s too vulnerable.
After we’ve both crashed into our respective beds and turned out the lights, it’s obvious neither of us is going to sleep. We both toss and turn, and I wonder if he’s spiraling in his head as much as I am, fuming over these facts without doing anything to actually resolve them.
After nearly an hour of this, I’m dying to speak to him, but I don’t know what to say. I’m too stubborn to apologize. I’m too proud to admit that I got myself into that situation, too arrogant to thank him for helping me.
This isn’t how I want the end of our term to be. It’s more than the end of the term. It’s the end of our entire university life. After this week, he’s going back to Scotland, and I’m going to London. And other than some weak promises to see each other every summer, Declan and I will no longer live together and will no longer see each other. This is it.
“Declan,” I mutter darkly in the silent room.
“What?” he replies.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur. It’s a lame apology, but I need to do something.
“Sorry for what, Shelby?” he asks.
“For…” My voice trails as I mull over my response. “For not thanking you for helping me.”
Declan sits up on his bed, leaning on his elbow, and even through the darkness, I can feel him scrutinizing me. “You think that’s why I’m mad?” he asks. “Because you didn’t fucking thank me?”
“I…guess so,” I stammer with uncertainty.
“Jesus, Shelby, you think that’s why I’m fucking mad? No, I’m fucking mad because you put yourself in these situations, and you let these arseholes walk all over you.”
I want to clarify that there have not beenarseholes, because there’s never been an opportunity other than this once. Niall was the first man I had the prospect of actually being able to sleep with, but I don’t say that out loud.
“I’m mad because you never fucking stand up for yourself. You’re my best goddamn mate, but I’m not going to be around to punch the idiots in alleyways for you. You should have shoved his arse across that alley and pummeled his face like I did. You should have grabbed his cock and balls and ripped them clean offhis body if he threatened to bring them near you again. But you didn’t, Colin. You’re too fucking passive.”
I sit up in bed and stare at him in anger. “You think I want to be this way?” I ask. “You think I just want to do everything everybody tells me to all the time? You think I like this?”
“I don’t know,” he argues.
“And this is real rich coming from you, Declan,” I argue. “You’re the one who’s been bossing me around for four years. I follow you everywhere.”
“Because you can trust me,” he says as he taps his chest. “That’s the fucking difference, Shelby. We make a good team because I will always take the lead with you, but I will never let you get hurt.”
My mouth hangs open as I let his words sink in. “But I can’t live like this, Declan,” I say. “I can’t be a virgin for the rest of my life. I can’t hide behind you. I can’t let you take care of me. At some point, I want a relationship. I want to have sex. I want to do all the things you do. Or other men do. And yeah, someday I’m probably going to lose my virginity to some bastard who takes advantage of me, and that’s just going to be the way it is. But oh fucking well, maybe I’ll take advantage of him too.”
“No one’s going to be taking advantage of you,” he argues. “You can’t accept anything but the best because that’s what you bloody deserve. You understand me?” he says.
A smile tugs at my lip as I realize that we’re fighting about how much he cares about me.
