‘Was what me? I told you to get the fuck out.’
‘Someone tried to run me down, soon as I was released.’
‘Smart move on their part,’ he says. ‘But no, it wasn’t me. You should know that already.’
‘How should I know that?’
‘Because I wouldn’t have fucking missed. You wouldn’t be standing here. You’d be in a morgue. Where you belong.’
With that, he moves closer to her, hostility radiating off him so strongly that Anna stumbles as she leaves the house, nearly falls.
37
The walk back to the hostel feels further, her bag heavier, her guilt mingling with panic. She went to find out what she’d done to Toby, and she’s no further forward with that, the absence of news still burning a hole in her gut. Worse still, now she has no idea where Sally is.
Anna needs to face facts. The reason she didn’t complain about the hate mail was because it felt as if Sally still cared, at least enough to wish her harm. This total absence, this void – all it proves is that Sally doesn’t care about her at all now. She can’t even bring herself to hate Anna anymore.
Their dad died young, when the sisters were still in their teens – they were so close then, with their mum too. Sally’s marriage to Marc, Toby’s birth, these just strengthened the bond between them. Until Anna blew it up, smashing it all to pieces.
The shock of the accident, Toby’s injuries, Anna’s culpability in it all. Their mum’s heart couldn’t take the strain. It killed her.
Anna thought she’d felt bad before, but it’s nothing compared to how she feels now. Everything lost. Then she comes to a halt. Tom’s words in her head.Self-pity. She might have nothing, but she’s still alive. Unlike Kelly.
But Toby must still be alive, too. If he’d died, Anna knows Sally wouldn’t have kept that from her husband, however angry she was. And if he’s still alive, there’s still hope that one day, there might be a reconciliation, even just the brief information she sought in that letter all those months ago. If Anna can show how much she’s changed, that she’s learned, that she’s sorry. That she wants to put things right.
Maybe she can find redemption.
Is that being too hopeful?
It’s totally fucking delusional. But it’s all she’s got.
‘Watch where you’re going,’ someone shouts, and Anna jumps, brought back abruptly into the moment by a sharp thump to her shoulder. It’s another set of men in Lycra, spread across the path like a battalion going into war.
Go fuck yourselfis on the tip of her tongue but she pulls it back. No sense in taking on this fight. She moves on instead, head down. Once she’s at the High Street, she pauses to catch her breath. The sun is back out and the smell of baking cookies spills from the Covered Market. Chocolate, cinnamon, all the smells of home. They turn her stomach.
She could make the trip to St Leonards, as she’d planned from the start. She could take that short walk into the sea. That would put an end to this guilt, this pain. Tom’s words flicker back into her mind, though.Coward.
That’s where he’s wrong. She saw Kelly’s body; she knows what it must have taken for her to do that to herself. Desperation, yes. But more than that, courage. Anna can’t forget the pain in her voice. And if she’s honest with herself, she’s not at that point now. Not yet.
She might be delusional for hoping that her sister can ever forgive her. But at the same time, she’s not going to give up on life entirely. That’s the difference that the last few days have made. Kelly felt like she had nothing left. Anna still has something to fight for.
A broken woman fights harder than no woman at all.
Even though there was no connection between them other than those few hours they spent in the same cell, she feels a kinship with this stranger. A responsibility, too. Anna couldn’t have stopped Kelly from doing what she did. But there is something she can do now. She needs to find the person on the other end of the phone, the person who stole all hope from Kelly. After all, that phone didn’t make its way into Anna’s bunk by accident – Kelly chose to put it there. She needed Anna’s help.
What Tom told her about the car trying to run her down outside the prison comes into her mind again. Marc seemed adamant it wasn’t him. She’s barely admitted to herself that it could have been deliberate. But what if somehow, someone had discovered she was in the cell with Kelly? What if the person on the other end of the phone had some connection in the prison, knew that she would be released, and waited for her? It’s a stretch, but it’s not impossible. Tom was clear that it looked to him as if the car was driving straight at her.
He could be wrong. But maybe he isn’t. Maybe there’s some link between the woman’s death and the attempted assault on her. Maybe someone doesn’t want Anna prying into Kelly’s affairs. Though how would the driver have known what was happening inside the prison? She tucks her hands into her pockets, chilled.
The thought of Tom brings her back to her immediate surroundings. It would have been nice to stay in his welcoming home, if she could just bring herself to trust him completely. Maybe he’ll invite her back after work on Monday, and she’ll accept. The hostel isn’t a long-term solution, after all.
But what it is offering is lunch. She remembers what the staff member said to her that morning, the promise of a Sunday roast. Someone there might know something about Kelly, too.She gets up off the pavement and makes her way back, hoping there’s still some food left.
She’s in luck – it smells delicious. Anna loads her plate high and takes it to a table in the corner which is still empty. It’s not that she means to be unfriendly, but her brain is too full of the events of the last days. She’s thinking about the phone now, its ringing still reverberating in her ears.
She’s got the number right there, scrawled into the back of the paperback in her bag. Once she’s cleared half her plate, practically inhaling the food, she reaches down into her bag and pulls out the book to have a look. Just as she’s about to open it, one of the volunteers approaches, a younger woman, not someone Anna has seen before. She sits down opposite Anna.
‘That’s a good one,’ she says. ‘Have you read any of her earlier stuff?’
