Before. She can barely remember that Anna, what she used to think was important. She had everything wrong. Soft, defenceless. Now she’s calcified, all weak spots enclosed – nothing but shell.
Bus, then train. She’s made the journey so many times in her thoughts, the slow stops through the countryside as the buildings get closer and closer together in the approach to London. A tube across the city, another train.
The last train she’ll catch.
She’s meant to have an appointment in the afternoon with probation, but she’s not going to bother with it. There’s no point. Not now.
She rolls over again, trying to dig herself into the thin mattress. Caught between sleep and waking. As she said goodbye to Naomi, it was as if the distance between them was expanding, the woman growing smaller and smaller as Anna pulled away in her mind, even as they hugged. Keep in touch, she said, Anna nodding yes, thinking no. No point in causing any more upset.
There’ll be no joy when she takes her first step outside the gate. No reunion for her, no partner waiting with a hug and a smile. Anna hasn’t had a single visitor since she’s been inside.
It’s not like she didn’t try. That last letter she sent to her sister.Please. Just tell me how he is.She’d posted it with such hope. A few words came back.Not known here, Return to sender, letters in black scrawled across the envelope.
The pain hasn’t gone anywhere. It still sticks to her, clawing at her chest. Their faces are blurs now.
Breathe in, breathe out. Slowly, slowly, her heart rate lowers again. She’s got a plan. The pain will be over soon. One more night, then she puts an end to it. She can see the sea stretching out in front of her, feel the cold water lapping at her feet, her thighs. Her face.
Bus, train, tube. Whatever’s left of the fifty, she’ll spend on a one-way ticket to the coast, the short shingle beach at St Leonards where she went as a kid, her sister always close at her heels. The sea again, for one last time.
She won’t need a return.
YOU KILLED MY SON
YOU KILLED YOUR MUM
I WANT TO KILL YOU
Round and round the words dance in her head, flashing before her eyes. The notes arrived every now and again through the years. She kept them all, a little pile of loathing, though she knows every word by heart.
Shifting over in her bunk, moving from flat on her front to foetal position, she clutches her arms across her head. The roll of cash digs into her breast again, reminding her of the final gift from Naomi as they hugged goodbye. She digs into her bra, pulls out a twist of toilet paper stashed next to the cash. In the middle of the wad of tissue, a pill that Naomi thrust into her hand.You could do with a decent sleep on your last night, she muttered in Anna’s ear as she did so.No nightmares.
There’s only one thing that will stop them, though. This isn’t it. She should throw the pill away, flush it down the loo, hide it under the mattress – someone else’s escape.
But there’s so much to face tomorrow, so much to do. She’s so tired . . .
No more thinking. Not for now. Anna puts the pill in her mouth and, with an effort, swallows it down.
2
Shit.It’s not working. Her mind’s racing now, not quietened. Serves her right, trying to outrun the thoughts that hound her. What was it, anyway? She didn’t ask, assuming it was a sleeping pill. Maybe it wasn’t.
Anna had always said no when Naomi had offered them in the past. She didn’t deserve the peace, fleeting as it might be. Besides, she’s found herself out of bed too many times, stuck in a nightmare, hands raw from pounding against the door.
Sedatives can’t stop that. They might even make it worse.
One night, she woke to see Naomi pacing the room, folding and refolding her clothes in a pile, until she lay down abruptly on top of them and fell asleep. When Anna asked her what she was doing, she got no response – and Naomi had no memory of it in the morning, either. Anna doesn’t take risks like that anymore. She knows what happens when she loses control.
So stupid of her to swallow it down. The voice in her head is chirping at her again– Let this be a lesson to you.All she wants is for it to stop, but she can’t make it quiet, can’t make it go away, louder and louder and louder it grows . . .
Until it’s gone, drowned out by waves of calm. Anna’s brain is slowing in real time, pulse after long pulse as the sounds disappear behind a wall of water, slower and slower. Sleep is pulling at her, small hands tugging her down. Her eyes close, her breathing deepens . . .
‘You’re sleeping in here,’ a voice says, jerking her awake. She doesn’t know how much later it is.
Anna stirs. The background noises in the building around her have merged into a dull roar, but not this. It’s immediate, as if someone is in the cell, the door clanging open. She rolls over, opens an eye. It’s bright, not dark anymore. Someoneisin the cell.
‘This is your bunk. Not much, but maybe it’s better than the streets.’
It’s an officer speaking. The shock of the light is harsh and yellow, dazzling Anna. She squints but can’t make out the features of the woman who shuffles in past the officer and sits down heavily on the side of the bottom bunk, her hair across her face. She’s sobbing quietly, her breath catching with an edge that jags at Anna, hooks into her.
