I sighed and took a long drink of water, still wishing it was vodka. Or a piña colada. I could really go for one of those.
“I just pushed it all down, all the other feelings, all the wandering thoughts when I saw guys in porn… but then I came here and I met you. You were the first player I’d ever met who wasn’t afraid to be queer, and that was… fuck me, that was fucking life-changing.”
“That’s why I did it,” West said with a tiny smile. “Because I knew I wasn’t the only one. And maybe if I was out, then someone else would have the confidence to come out too.”
“Fuck, do you have any idea how brave that was?”
He shrugged. “Sort of, but I don’t think I really thought about it like that at the time. It was just something I felt like I had to do.” He chuckled and rolled his shoulders. “Besides, look at the size of me. Nobody’s picking a fight with me and winning.”
I snorted. “Fuck no! Not with Mason stood right behind you.”
“Exactly. And then after I started going out with Rory and with everything that happened, I think that encouraged Mason to explore that side of himself too. And Jonny. I don’t know if me being out made any difference to Devon coming here, but hopefully he at least knew we’d be accepting since he was out too. And Matty… I don’t know, but clearly we made him comfortable enough to tell us about Harper.”
“And ask for advice when he fucked up.”
“That too,” West said with a wry smile. “And if you have something you want to tell us, I can guarantee we’ll support you too. We love you, Danny, I promise. You may be an annoying little shit, but you’re our annoying little shit, and that’s never going to change.”
“It might. I’ve been kind of a dickhead in the past, still am sometimes. What if… what if I’m too much of a dickhead to support?”
“You’re not. And you being a dickhead has nothing to do with you possibly being queer. You’re a dickhead because you’re an annoying, mouthy brat, not because you’re queer.”
The tiny seed of relief that Charlie had planted in my heart began to sprout, its roots creating fissures in my doubt, crumbling it away as it took hold.
“What if… what if I’m one too many, though? Like, we’re not a queer team. We’re a regular premiership team. Do you think people will care if I’m gay? What if they don’t want me to play anymore?” It was still a question I needed to hear the answer to, even if West had sort of answered it already. My palms were clammy against the glass as I waited, blood pounding in my ears.
“Listen to me, if anyone says that to you, fuck them,” West said. “We’re a team, a family, and I don’t think anyone is going to care whether you’re gay, straight, bi, pan, ace, whatever label is yours, as long as you’re not a complete twat. And if they do, then you come and tell me, and I’ll have words.”
“What if it’s Mason?”
“Same thing. Just because he’s my best mate doesn’t give him a license to be a dickhead. You’d say the same if it was Charlie.”
I nodded and let out a long breath, the knot in my chest finally easing to a point when it didn’t feel like my lungs had a rubber band around them. “Thanks. And, er, just so it’s out there, I’m gay. Like, really fucking gay.”
“Congratulations, and thanks for telling me. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything.”
“Appreciate it,” I said. “Charlie knows, sort of. Ezra, obviously, ’cos we’ve been fucking. But nobody else.”
“And it’ll stay that way until you’re ready. There’s no timeline on that either. If you don’t want to ever come out, you don’t have to.”
“I thought about that, about not saying anything. Thought it might be easier. But I’m kinda sick of the hiding. Besides, if Idon’t then I’ll have to keep coming up with excuses about why I don’t wanna go out with people’s girlfriends’ mates, or why I don’t have a date to Charlie’s wedding. Apparently, me not wanting to date for a while is as believable as Scotland winning the World Cup.”
West snorted and coughed, choking on his mouthful of tea. “I mean, I didn’t want to say anything.”
“See, this is what I mean!” I laughed as I slapped him on the back.
“You have got a reputation.”
“It’s all fake. Well, most of it. Easier to pretend I’m a fuckboy than deal with my feelings about dick.”
“Still not sure I want to hear about your sex life,” he said with a grin. “Same as anyone else’s.”
“Then don’t ever go back into the dressing rooms after everyone’s left or you will hear Jonny and Devon fucking in the toilets.”
West stared at me with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth. “Don’t ask,” I added. “Just believe me.”
“I do. Insatiable bastards.”
“I’m looking forward to Jonny finding out Hunter and Bailey have been fucking his brother though. He’s gonna be so pissed.”
