Probably me and how weird I’d been.
“Yeah, what’s up?” I asked, hoping his question would be about his upcoming proposal and not me.
“Are you sure everything is okay? Because you’ve been really on edge lately and it feels like something is going on,” he said. “And you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I hope you know that you can talk to me about anything. You’re my best mate, Danny, and I’m here for you.”
I bit my lip as I slid more plates into the dishwasher. I could avoid his question, lie, tell him everything was fine. But that would only push things further down the line, and I was starting to get sick of hiding everything. Pretending was becoming afucking chore, and even though I was terrified of what might happen, I had to start somewhere.
And if it did go wrong, then I knew where I stood. I’d say it was a joke and forget about ever coming out.
“Just been figuring some shit out,” I said quietly, keeping my eyes focused on the plates.
“Yeah? Like what?”
“Stuff about me.”
There was a quiet moment, the splash of water and the muffled conversation from the next room the only sounds filling the air. Charlie didn’t say anything, just let me think as I slotted cutlery into the little plastic holder. “I know you think me and Jessica should go out but, er, I don’t wanna do that. I mean, she’s cool but I can’t.”
“Okay,” Charlie said, and I glanced up to see him nodding, giving me a little smile. It was warm and understanding, and for the first time I felt a tiny bit of hope that things might be okay. “I’m sorry if I pushed. I should’ve listened when you said you weren’t interested.”
“Nah, it’s fine. I know you were trying to help.”
“Still, you said no and that’s not cool of me.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said as I added a few glasses to the top shelf. There was another pause and even though we seemed to have sorted shit, there was one more thing I wanted to say. “Would you… would you care if I was… would it matter to you if I, er, if I was gay?”
“No, why would it?” Charlie asked and even though I wasn’t looking at him, I knew he’d turned around and was drying his hands on a tea towel. “You’re my best mate, Danny. You being gay or bi or straight doesn’t matter to me as long as you’re happy.”
“You sure? It wouldn’t be too much?”
“No, of course not. Why would it?”
“I mean we play with a lot of guys who aren’t straight. Wouldn’t it be weird if I was also…”
Charlie put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Listen to me, I don’t care who else we play with as long as they’re not dicks. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Cool… yeah, okay,” I said, a strange combination of relief, reassurance, and grief bubbling in my stomach. I was glad he’d been okay with it, but it didn’t feel like it should have been that easy. In the back of my mind, a little voice whispered that Charlie was only saying that because he was my friend. That at some point, the other shoe would drop and I’d see his real reaction.
I didn’t want to believe it. Why would I? Charlie had never lied to me before, and I trusted him more than anyone, except maybe Ezra.
But logic didn’t seem to apply to these emotions, and I couldn’t seem to make it stick.
“So, is this you coming out?” Charlie asked.
“Maybe,” I said, because if I put a caveat on my answer, I could always take it back if I had to. “I’m still figuring it out.”
“Okay,” he said. “Remember, I’ll love you whoever you are.”
“Thanks.”
It was a start. The smallest step forward.
It felt like I’d moved a mountain.
But it didn’t feel like a relief.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Ezra
