“No,” I said quickly. “I’m not seeing anyone. I just… I’ve been focusing on my rugby, that’s all. Thought I might skip dating for a bit, y’know?”
That had clearly been the wrong thing to say because Charlie looked so shocked you’d have thought I’d said I was considering taking up kicking puppies or something. Was me wanting to take a break from dating really that surprising? Then again, I had been banging on for months about wanting to get laid. But I hadn’t meant anything by it. I was shit talking and trying to stop him from getting suspicious.
Guessed I’d absolutely fucked that.
“Are you okay? Seriously. Is something going on? You know you can tell me if there is.”
“There’s nothing going on. I promise.” Fuck, I hated lying to him. And I could already hear Ezra’s voice in my head telling me how much he hated liars. I’d kept putting this conversation with Charlie off because I’d never managed to find a good time. And now wasn’t it either.
Mostly because I wasn’t even sure how to start talking to him about how I felt. What if he took it totally the wrong way and our friendship was ruined? Or what if he got really pissed at me at hiding it from him? Either way, I didn’t want to risk destroying what we had when I could keep my trap shut and not say anything.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” I forced a smile. “What time should I come over? Like half six?”
“Sounds good.”
“I’ll bring something for Amanda. Might be the first time she’s gotten a present in a while.”
“Twat,” Charlie said fondly. He stood up and grabbed his bag. “I’ll see you later. Remember, dress nice.”
“Yeah, yeah. See you.” I watched him leave, pretending I was still undoing the knots in my trainers while internally screaming every single fucking swear word I knew. Including the ones in French that Devon had taught me.
This was not how I’d wanted today to go and now my whole evening was ruined. I loved Charlie, but he could be a right wanker sometimes. Even though he didn’t know he was being one.
Fuck, why couldn’t he have already proposed to Amanda? Then the focus would have been on them and not me!
Nobody else seemed to have noticed I was freaking out, so I slipped my shoes on, slung my bag over my shoulder, and sauntered out of the locker room. There wasn’t anyone outside either, and it was easy to dash towards the stairs and head up to the second floor.
Now that I’d found Ezra’s office once, it wasn’t hard to find it again. I debated knocking but decided against it because he knew I was coming and who else was going to want to see him at this time?
I threw the door open and stomped inside, my feelings churning horribly inside me. I had no idea why they’d suddenly gotten worse, but the closer I’d gotten to Ezra, the faster the swirling storm of emotion in my stomach had risen.
“Fucking Christ!” Ezra said, lurching backwards in his seat. “Don’t you know how to knock, puppy? I… What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said. Then I sighed and ran my hand through my mullet, which was still wet after my shower. “Charlie’s trying to set me up with this mate of his girlfriend, and I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to go out with her. Like yeah, she’s a nice woman and we had a laugh last time she was at their house, but that doesn’t mean shit. But he and Amanda are fucking convinced we’d be really good together, and now he’s trying to be my wingman and play matchmaker.”
“Shit, I’m sorry,” Ezra said. He stood and walked over to me, leaning against the desk nearest to me. I closed the gap between us, happily invading his personal space to rest my forehead against his shoulder, taking a deep breath of his cologne.
“I know he’s got good intentions, and he thinks he’s being helpful, but this isn’t what I wanted.”
“Did you tell him that?”
“Sort of. I told him I was focusing on my rugby and, like, diverted him away by changing the subject.”
“So no then.”
“Yeah.” I sighed again and let out a quiet scream of frustration. “I know if I tell him I’m not interested, though, he’ll want to know why. He already thinks something is wrong ’cos I wasn’t excited about tonight, and then I had to fucking lie to him because he asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no.”
Ezra stiffened slightly, but he still put one arm around me and ran his hand up and down my spine. “It’s not a lie, though. We’re not together.”
“I know, but it still feels shitty.” I couldn’t explain why it did. It just did. I knew this thing with Ezra wasn’t serious. It was sexy experimentation with a hot-as-fuck older man who made me feel safe and… fuck, where did that come from? Safe? Fuck’s sake, was I developing daddy issues now too?
Although, to be fair, I’d probably had those all along given that my dad was a first-prize bellend. I’d add it to the list of shitto figure out at a later date. Maybe I’d ask Tommy to set me up with that sports psychologist they’d brought in when Jonny was being an overprotective twat about Devon and flattening everyone who dared to even look at his boyfriend.
At least I was more well-adjusted than that… but the bar was on the fucking floor.
“Can I ask you something?” Ezra asked, his hand still running up and down my back, the simple touch making me melt into a puddle in his arms.
