There were quite a few gay and bi guys on the team already. What if I was one too many? The Knights wasn’t a specifically LGBTQ team. Maybe there were quotas for this stuff? I didn’t think it worked that way, but maybe there was some rule somewhere in the fine print.
Although, since there were no rules anyone could find about teammates shagging each other, it didn’t seem likely that they’d thought of this. You never knew, though. And I didn’t want to be the one who tipped the balance and made people uncomfortable.
“Fuck’s sake,” I muttered to myself, shaking my head as I tried to dislodge all the other voices trying to share their opinion. “Leave me alone!”
I reached for the volume dial on the centre console, turning my music up so loudly I could feel the bassline vibrating through my seat. It wasn’t the best distraction, but it was all I had since I couldn’t exactly start doing housework, which was the main thing I used to switch my brain off. There was nothing more satisfying than deep cleaning my kitchen when I wanted to forget about things for a while.
The drive seemed to take forever but when we parked on the street outside some large, old, terraced houses, I couldn’t remember how I’d gotten here. My body had done the whole journey on autopilot, following Ezra’s number plate like some sort of yellow plastic beacon.
There was a knock on the window and I startled, catching the horn with my elbow as I twisted at speed in my seat, and the harsh blaring made me curse as my heart leapt into my mouth. Ezra, who’d been the one knocking, jumped back onto the pavement and tripped, landing on his arse.
“Fuck, are you okay?” I asked as I threw open my door and scrambled out, narrowly avoiding catching my foot on a cracked paving stone and joining Ezra on the floor.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Ezra said, sitting up and resting his hands on his knees as I dropped down next to him. “Nothing wounded but my pride. And maybe my arse.”
“As long as that’s it. We can fix those.”
“You’re very concerned for someone who regularly gets trampled for a living.” He smiled, his soft eyes meeting mine as I knelt in front of him. He had really long lashes and a little scar on the side of his nose, like he’d had a piercing there and it’d closed up. For some reason, that made me smile more than anything.
“Yeah, well, I get paid to do that. And I’m fast, so it only happens if I get caught.”
“And how often does that happen?”
I shrugged. “More than I’d like to admit, but have you seen some of these guys? It’s like trying to run through fucking mountains.”
Ezra chuckled. “I’ll take your word for it. I don’t fancy trying it myself.” He looked around. “We should go inside instead of having this conversation on the pavement.”
“Yeah, probably.” Another flash of panic bubbled hot in my stomach at his words.
“What’s wrong?” Ezra asked, his eyes narrowing.
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me,” he said sharply. “I hate liars.”
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine.” He sighed. “My ex-husband lied. A lot. So, don’t lie to me. Please. It’s the one thing I’d ask.”
“Okay,” I said with a nod, desperately fighting back the urge to ask what he’d lied about. Not because I needed to know, but because I wanted to.
“So, let me ask you again, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I do. I just dunno if I have the words for it. It’s kinda complicated. And not really something I want to talk about out here.”
He nodded. “Still want to come inside? It doesn’t mean anything. We can talk and you can tell me about these complicated feelings.”
“Do I have to?” I didn’t know if I was ready for that. I didn’t even know if I knew how to explain what I was feeling. Saying I was a fucking mess felt like an understatement and felt like it’d lead to Ezra asking even more questions. And I didn’t fancy exploring my emotions or all the shit that was lurking behind them.
I wanted to pretend they didn’t exist and push them down until they crawled out of their grave like emotional zombies and ate my brain. And by that point, I wouldn’t have to worry about them. Brain zombies for the win.
“No, you don’t. But you can have that drink you wanted.”
“Deal,” I said, pushing myself to my feet and holding out a hand to pull Ezra up. His palm was soft against mine, his grip warm and firm.
All I could think about was the way his hand had felt against the side of my neck.
And how much I wanted to feel it there again.
