There were some nods of agreement as they thought about this. And I suddenly realised none of them had said anything about me being queer or being with a man. It was normal to them. A total non-surprise. And I had to smile because I’d never been on a rugby team where that was the case.
I’d never been prouder.
“So how did you fuck things up?” Danny asked, voicing the question they’d all been desperate to ask.
I sighed. I knew I’d have to explain but I hadn’t actually thought through what it would feel like. And right now I wanted to run away and pretend I’d never said anything.
“Harper and I started something but we didn’t actually talk about what it was, whether it was casual or a relationship or whatever. Anyway, Hannah figured it out and wanted us all to chat about it, but I said I needed to talk to Harper first, and then it turned out he’d overheard us talking, and now he’s freaking out and avoiding me. He says we can’t be together because he won’t be able to work as a nanny, which is his dream job, and he doesn’t want to rely on me either. And I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Jesus Christ,” Mason said, rubbing his face like he was struggling to believe what I’d said. “Youreallyfucked this up.”
“I’m guessing you didn’t think of any of this before you started hooking up?” Bailey asked with a raised eyebrow and an unimpressed look.
“No, obviously not,” I said, trying not to sound exasperated.
“Mate, for someone who is generally one of the smartest guys I know, you’re acting like a complete dumb-ass,” Danny said. “And that’s coming from me.”
“Yeah, if anyone’s been a dumb-ass, Danny would know,” Hunter said dryly.
“Thanks?” Danny frowned. “Hey—”
“Harper’s not wrong,” Devon said, neatly cutting Danny off before he and Hunter started arguing. “He has a very valid point.”
“Yeah,” Frankie said. “Like if you start dating and he stays on as Jack’s nanny, are you still going to pay him? My guess is he thinks not, so he’d need another job. But then who would look after Jack? And if he stays on full-time without pay, he has to rely on you.”
There was another hum of agreement, and then Kegan added, “Stay-at-home parenting is hard. You really have to trust the other person to provide for you. And if you leave, there’s a chance you’ll get nothing. It would definitely be more difficult for him to find another job if he had a huge gap on his CV.”
“You don’t think he could take Jack with him if he was nannying elsewhere?” Jonny asked. “Is that not a thing?”
“It depends on the family. They might be fine with it. They might be really funny about it,” Kegan said.
“Seems weird to me,” Jonny said. “Kids are kids.”
“Yeah, but people are always weird about their kids,” Mason said, looking at me pointedly. “Case in point, it’s taken our captain, what, six attempts to find a nanny who’d put up with his shit? Do you think he’d really be okay with Harper looking after Jack elsewhere?”
“Eight,” I said quietly, half hoping none of them heard me. I didn’t want to think about how Mason was right about the idea of Harper taking Jack to another house, especially if I didn’t know the family.
“Eight? Fucking hell, you are an uptight bastard,” Bailey said with a long exhale.
“And then you went and shagged the one who would put up with your nonsense?” Hunter asked. I wasn’t sure if it was rhetorical or not, but either way I wanted to answer.
“It’s more than that! It’s… Harper is the first person in a long time who makes me feel like I matter, like I’m not just Dad or Captain or whatever other people need me to be.”
“You really like him, don’t you?” Devon said softly, a little smile on his face that told me he understood.
“I do,” I said. “I know I’ve gone about this all wrong and I know I’ve fucked up, but I don’t want to wash my hands of this and say, ‘Well, that’s it then.’ I want Harper in my life, in Jack’s life, and I’m prepared to fucking fight for him. I just don’t know how.”
“You do. You’re just nervous,” Jonny said. He glanced at Devon and shifted one hand, putting it on his boyfriend’s leg under the table. “You have to talk to him. Really talk to him. Lay it all out and talk about all the hard things.”
“You can’t half-arse it,” West said with a nod of agreement. “You can’t assume he knows how you feel, and you shouldn’t make that assumption either.”
There were a few mutters around the table. “I think…” Hunter said slowly, looking around. “I think a lot of us aren’t as open with people as we should be. Most of us have been told we shouldn’t be emotional or vulnerable—that it’s not what men do. And I think a lot of us have tried to move past that, but it’s hard.”
I’d never heard Hunter be so open and I wanted to reach down the table and pull him into a hug. Bailey, who was sat nextto him, put his arm around Hunter’s shoulders and squeezed. “Especially in relationships,” Bailey said, looking at Hunter more than me. “There’s so much bullshit about what men should and shouldn’t do, what we should want. I don’t know if it’s different if you’re dating a man.”
“A bit,” Devon said. “But everyone’s experience is different. And queer men have their own issues to deal with, depending on their background and even their appearance.”
“I’ve had it,” West said quietly. “When Rory and I got together, our experiences were so different and we had to kind of meet each other in the middle. That’s why you have to talk about it.”
