“You know I could just Google it?”
“Please don’t. I promise you’ll thank me for it,” he said earnestly, his expression a mix of giddy excitement and pleading. And it was one I couldn’t say no to.
“Fine, but we are absolutely going to start watching it now or I’ll have to look it up,” I said. “Plus, if it was that big a deal, I’m pretty sure someone will mention it onLegends.”
“Oh, they definitely will. Okay, do you want to start now or tomorrow?” Harper asked as he grabbed the remote control from between us. We’d spent most of the evening since Jack had left with Hannah chilling out together, making dinner to share before sprawling on the sofa with the chocolates and shortbread from Harper’s gift bag.
The gift hadn’t surprised me because Hannah had always loved giving gifts for any and every occasion, but the fact Harper had been willing to spend his free time with me did.
None of my previous nannies had ever spent any time with me, nor had I expected or wanted them to. But things with Harper were different.Harperwas different. And the fact he wanted to hang out with me, watchingDrag Stars, chatting, and sharing his chocolates, made me happy in a way I couldn’t explain.
Loneliness was something I’d become well accustomed to over the past few years, so maybe my brain was simply rejoicing over having someone to talk to who wasn’t a toddler or a work colleague. But deep down, I knew my isolation was because I’d pushed people away for reasons I tried not to think about. There were parents on the team I could have regularly hung out with, and three or four who’d have been happy to chat aboutDrag Stars, but I’d never mentioned it to them. It was like part of me wanted to be lonely. Or had at least embraced it.
Probably because I’d been hurt by so many people in the past who were supposed to care about me.
But that couldn’t happen if there weren’t people around me in the first place.
Except Harper had begun to worm his way into my brain through the cracks in my grumpy façade simply by being himself.
“Let’s watch one now,” I said, reaching for a piece of shortbread. “Then I need to go to bed or I’ll be tired at training tomorrow.”
Harper nodded as he pushed his glasses up his nose, then scrolled through the various streaming service menus to find the season we needed. “Do you do much the day before a game? Or is it mostly light prep work?”
“Mostly prep—stretches, gentle weights, team bonding. Nothing too strenuous or anything that’s going to cause injury. And then we eat a lot, especially the front row. They’ll probably pack away about seven or eight thousand calories each. I’ll need about four thousand.”
“Seven thousand calories?” Harper stared at me, mouth slightly open.
“I know. It sounds mad but trust me, they need it. They’re all built like tanks anyway, and they need the calorie reserves so they can actually play the full eighty minutes. It’s a lot of carbs and protein. But luckily we have a canteen, and Chef will make sure we all get enough.”
“Cool. So will you need dinner tomorrow?”
“I thought you were going out?” I asked, confused for a second. Harper had mentioned getting a ticket for The Court’s monthly variety show, so I’d assumed he’d be out for the whole evening.
“Yeah, but the show doesn’t start until half seven, and I was going to eat beforehand because otherwise I won’t get anything until much later. But if you’re eating at the club, that’s absolutely fine. I can just make myself something.”
“Er, yeah, I probably will but I’ll be back before you leave.” That didn’t really answer his question but I was still wrapping my head around the idea of us making dinner together being a regular thing. We’d only done it a few times, including that evening, but apparently Harper was happy for it to be an everyday occurrence. I supposed it made sense, but I thought I probably should have been more resistant to it than I was.
After all, he was Jack’s nanny. He and I weren’t supposed to be doing… whatever this was. Becoming friends?
A friend I had a massive, stinking crush on. A friend I paid to look after my son. Yes, this was definitely going to end well.
“Okay, are you ready?” Harper asked, shooting me a smile as he nodded at the TV where he’d found the first episode of Saint James’s season.
“Absolutely. I’m looking forward to seeing the chaos.”
He hit play and the customary start of the season introduction began to play, but I found myself only half watching. The rest of the time I was glancing over at Harper, drinking in all the tiny details of his face and the way his expression changed. He was so open and free with his emotions, unafraid to show even the smallest shift. I doubted he’d be afraid to cry or rage or laugh until his face ached. There was something beautiful in that.
I kept thinking about how lucky I’d be if Jack was anything like Harper, but what I really wanted was for Harper to stay in our lives. We’d barely even acknowledged our attraction to each other, let alone acted on it, and that was as long as I was reading the situation right. Otherwise, I might as well fuck myself with a cactus because it would be less painful.
If I wanted something to happen, I’d have to actually do something about it.
Not tonight, though, and not this weekend either. I had a rugby game to play and the team needed me to focus.
My personal desires could wait until Sunday night at the earliest.
I managed to keep my mind off Harper throughout most of Saturday, instead focusing everything I had on the upcoming game. This was a must win for us, so if anyone thought I was acting more serious than usual, nobody said anything because they were all feeling the pressure. Weirdly, though, the game didn’t worry me. I knew we were good, and we deserved the win.
Anything else was just noise.
