By Monday, even I was losing patience with myself.
Every morning I told myself I’d do it that day, and every night when I got into bed, I cursed myself for not saying anything. And when I did finally say it, it was almost by accident.
I came back from training on Tuesday evening to find Jack and Harper in the back garden, Jack trying to do somersaults and cartwheels on the grass, giggling wildly whenever he landed in a heap before leaping up to try again. Nothing fazed him. If he fell down, he simply got back up and tried again, something I did easily in rugby but had forgotten how to do in other aspects of my life.
“Look at you! That’s amazing,” I said as I walked out to flop down on the grass near Harper, who was making daisy chains from the small flowers that had started popping up across the lawn thanks to the unseasonably warm weather. It made me very glad that I’d taken the advice of the local gardener I’d hired to let the grass grow slightly longer and keep things like the clover and daisies that’d been added to it by a previous owner.
“Watch me, Daddy! I can do ’nastics,” Jack said, running up to give me a slightly sticky kiss before dashing away again, his palms and knees stained green from his efforts.
“I’m watching, I promise.”
“Harper, you have to watch too.”
“I will,” Harper said, putting his daisy chain in his lap. He looked beautiful like this, with the late afternoon sun shining on his golden hair, his glasses resting on his nose, which had a scattering of freckles across it. He was just wearing a fadedyellow round-neck jumper and jeans with the cuffs rolled up, his feet bare, and I realised he had a daisy chain tattooed around his ankle.
“I like your tattoo,” I said as I watched Jack lower himself onto the grass to do a forward roll, tucking his knees up like a hedgehog rolling itself into a ball. Christ, he was adorable! Just watching him made my heart grow three sizes until it felt like it was going to force its way out of my ribcage.
“Oh, thank you,” Harper said, a small smile spreading across his face. “My sisters and I all have the same one. A bit cheesy, I know, but what’s life without a little cheese.”
“If you like it, that’s all that matters. Besides, there’s no such thing as guilty pleasures. Or so I’ve been told.”
“That’s very true.”
Jack sprang up out of his attempted roll and the pair of us clapped enthusiastically, making Jack beam and run off to try again on another part of the lawn. “I wish I had his energy. It would make training so much easier,” I said with a soft chuckle.
“Aren’t you supposed to be used to it? I thought all rugby players were meant to be very fit.”
“Most of us are, but the extra energy would make it easier, especially when we have to do running drills. But our head of physical performance is a bit of a sadist, so I don’t think we’ll ever be fit enough for him.”
“Does he basically want you to be able to run a world record hundred metres and a marathon at once?”
“Yeah, pretty much.” I nodded and then clapped again at Jack’s attempted cartwheel, which was a combination of a belly flop, roll, and star jump. I’d have to look at finding him a baby gymnastics class to enrol in so he could learn to do everything properly. “I, er, I wanted to say I’m sorry… for being a dick last week when Jack was ill. I should have said something then, so I’m apologising for that too because it’s taken me far too longto say something, but I shouldn’t have been so overbearing and, well, a prick.”
Harper was still looking at Jack but his lips twitched, so I knew he was listening to me, so I continued. “I was wrong for taking my anxieties out on you, and I was wrong for making your life miserable. The fact you’re still here after all that is a bloody miracle, to be honest. But I was wrong and my feelings of inadequacy as a parent aren’t anything to do with you. So I’m sorry, Harper. And thank you for putting up with my shit. You shouldn’t have to, but I’m grateful for it.”
“Thank you, I appreciate your apology and I accept it,” he said quietly, glancing over at me and nearly flooring me with how goddamn gorgeous he looked. I shouldn’t have been focusing on that but it was impossible not to.
“You’re welcome.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I said, hoping his question would get my brain back on track and stop me from fixating on all the tiny details of his face.
“You said you feel inadequate as a parent… Is that why you lash out at me, and I assume other people, when something happens to Jack?”
That would do it. Jesus, he really didn’t mess around.
“Yeah, probably.” I dug my fingers into the grass, pulling up a few blades as I watched Jack play with a toy fire engine that had somehow made its way outside. “I’m pretty sure I’m a shit dad most of the time, and then I see you come in and do stuff I’ve never managed or handle things with a grace and calm I didn’t think was possible and… yeah, I just can’t cope. But you shouldn’t have to deal with that.”
“You’re right, I shouldn’t,” he said. “But I’m glad you figured it out.”
“Me too, although I had help. Jack’s mum, Hannah, she pretty much told me to get my shit together. Also, she pointed out I’m fine with her taking Jack for weekends when she’s winging it and has no idea what she’s doing—her words, not mine—and that you’re a million times more qualified than either of us.”
He smiled and looked up at the sky, watching the clouds slowly drifting above us as the sun began to set. “True, but that’s the point. This is literally my job! Don’t get me wrong, I adore all the kids in my care, but at the end of the day this is my profession. I’m trained to know things like how to deal with tantrums and illnesses and how to get them to eat vegetables, and that’s why you hired me. So yeah, I might have a better handle on things sometimes but it’s because I’ve trained for it. Besides, you’re doing this for the first time. Jack is not my first toddler, and yes, they’re all different but the basics are pretty universal. And I promise you, you’re doing a great job.”
“You don’t have to placate me,” I said.
“I’m not saying it to be nice. The fact that you care so much, that you want to be a good parent, means you’re doing the right thing. Maybe you’re a bit overbearing, but if you know that, you can adjust what you’re doing. And trust me, no parent knows what they’re doing all the time. You just have to take it one day at a time, celebrate the wins, and don’t sweat the small stuff. So maybe bathtime was a mess today. That’s okay, you can try again tomorrow.” He turned his smile on me, and it was like feeling the sun on my face for the first time after a long, dark winter. I wasn’t sure I deserved his kindness, but he was giving it to me anyway because he was a good person.
