Maybe one of the kids at nursery had brought in a snack from home and given him some. Maybe Harper had accidentally given him something or maybe one of the ingredients had changed in one of our regular cereals.
I dropped my fork, which clanged loudly as it fell out of the bowl onto the canteen table, and began frantically Googling various illnesses to see what I should be most worried about.
“Everything okay?” Kegan asked, his question making me jump because I’d forgotten I was sat at a whole table of people.
“Yeah, you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” added Hunter.
I glanced up at the concerned sea of silent faces waiting for an answer. “Er, Jack’s poorly. Got a bit of a fever and a runny nose.”
“Kids! They’re always picking up something. I love them, but they’re walking plague rats,” Frankie said as he went back to his curry. He was always so relaxed it sometimes made me wonder if I was too wound up, but then again Frankie had a stay-at-home wife, so maybe these sorts of concerns took up less space in his mind.
“Do you need to go and pick him up?” Bailey asked, toying with his own bowl of noodles. “Hannah’s not back until next week, right?”
Fuck. I’d managed not to tell any of them about Harper so far, but now I’d backed myself into a corner because with Hannah away, there was nobody else to look after Jack unless I begged babysitting services from someone’s wife. My family were completely off the table in terms of childcare and everyoneknew that, even if they didn’t exactly know why. And that was a mess I wasn’t prepared to unpack with them.
There were some things that were better left unsaid or forgotten.
“No, not today,” I said vaguely as I tapped on a link to the NHS website and grabbed my fork to start shovelling noodles into my mouth so I wouldn’t be able to answer questions.
“Can’t be that bad then if he doesn’t need to be picked up from nursery,” Kegan said with an encouraging smile.
“Exactly,” Hunter said, patting me on the shoulder. “It can’t be that serious then. I’m surprised they let you know.”
“Yeah, me too.” I swallowed and nodded. I was grateful for the out, even though I was lying to them. I didn’t even knowwhyI was lying about Harper’s existence. Hiring another nanny wasn’t that big of a deal, and I could easily tell them all to sod off if they made it into one.
That was the problem, though, really.
The idea of being called on my bad behaviour felt like needles under my skin, and every sentence seemed to come with an unspoken accusation that I was a terrible parent.
I knew I wasn’t perfect, no parent was, but goddammit, I was trying my best. All I wanted was for Jack to be happy and loved and to raise him to be a good person. But in the back of my mind, I wondered if I was capable of that.
And in the depths of the night, when the shadows seemed so much darker, I even wondered if he’d be better off without me.
The others carried on their conversation about our upcoming matches, leaving me to stew in my worries. My lunch turned to tasteless rubber as I scrolled, mentally writing a list of all the things Jack could be coming down with. I could feel my worry starting to spiral into full-blown panic but it didn’t stop me from scrolling.
Until another message from Harper flashed across my screen with a picture attached.
My fingers shook as I opened it, half expecting to see Jack in the back of an ambulance. But it was only the two of them on the sofa with Jack and his giraffe tucked under the enormous pumpkin blanket I’d gotten from Asda last October.
Harper
Realised you might not have a chance to respond if you’re training but wanted to let you know we’re watching Robin Hood. Jack also ate a jam sandwich and half a banana, and had some water and a small cup of orange juice.
Matty
Robin Hood is fine and I’m glad he ate something. However a jam sandwich and half a banana isn’t ideal if he’s ill. I’d rather he had something with greater nutritional value. Also what’s his temperature? Has he been sick? Does he have any sort of rash or discolouration? What’s his breathing like?
Matty
Do you know all the symptoms for things like pneumonia, meningitis, sepsis etc? I’m worried this isn’t just a fever and snotty nose.
Matty
Please send me regular updates on his actions including if he sleeps or goes to the loo. Also if he’s had any medication, please let me know the exact doses and timing of them. I’ll keep my phone on me all afternoon if you need anything and check in as often as I can. Please know I’ll also be checking the nanny cameras in the living room, kitchen, playroom, and Jack’s room.
I didn’t care if Harper was upset with me. He was my employee and this was what I required of him. There were certain things I didn’t like about rugby training but I did them anyway because it was part of my job. And if he didn’t like it, that wasn’t my problem.
I put my phone on the table beside my bowl so I could glance at the screen while I ate. He’d seen my replies, which was good, and while I wanted a faster response than the one I was getting, I did accept that my list of questions was quite long.
