It was his fault, he knew that. And as he paced his room, slowly calming down, he did not bother denying it. He had allowed them to get too close; he had allowed himself to make her believe… and then he had pulled away, the damage done, the result predictable, so that he could not reason with his decision.This is all my fault.
He had been so close to telling her the truth. Dammit, he had wanted to!
Sadly, Sebastian was a weak man. Memories of his father still haunted him. Memories of how his mother’s death had affectedhim still wreaked havoc. To risk these feelings again, to risk turning in his father, was it worth the cost? Was it worth what might be if that was what waited for him?
He wished he knew the answer.
Sebastian was caught in two worlds, and he did not know which one to go to. Should he continue to push Margot away, knowing that in the long run she would thank him for it? Or should he take a chance so he might experience what his parents once had? Even if it was only for a moment…
To the window he walked, looking across the garden. There, he remembered clearly his mother’s words, how she had assured Sebastian that she loved his father, and he loved her. They had been happy once. Could Sebastian experience the same? Did he even deserve it? Or would Margot be better off without him?
I wish I had the answer. Or rather, I wish I were not such a coward as I am, for then the answer might not even matter.He wanted Margot; she wanted him. But was that enough? If only he knew…
Twenty
“How are you finding it?” Arabella asked, seated beside Margot as she was.
“Hmm…?” Margot looked up to find Arabella watching her.
“I’m having difficulty with the shadows,” Arabella said. She indicated the sketchpad rested on her knees, and then the tree across the garden that the two were supposed to be drawing. “They keep moving, and the longer it takes me, the more they shift.”
“Yes…” Margot glanced at her own sketchpad, which remained untouched.My mind is elsewhere, so much so that I wonder if it was worth inviting Arabella to join me today.“It is difficult.”
“Can I see your drawing?” Arabella shifted to try to peer onto Margot’s lap. “How did you do it?”
Margot winced. “I… I confess, I am having the same difficulty. The darn shadows.”
Arabella caught sight of the bare sketchpad, and her face dropped. “You have not even started yet.”
“I…” She winced. “I was going to.”
“We have been at it for thirty minutes, Margot – you were the one who suggested it!”
“I am simply a slow drawer, is all. Do not judge me.”
Arabella blew through her lips. “I knew you were lying to me. I knew it!”
“Lying about what?”
“You know well what.” She raised an eyebrow at Margot. “When I asked you earlier if everything was fine with you, you told me it was. When I asked if you were still having difficulty with His Grace and needed someone to speak to about it, you told me you did not. When I asked –”
“Yes, yes,” Margot said. “I lied. Are you happy?”
“But why?” Arabella asked with a forlorn voice. “If you are still so upset, you know you can speak to me. I want you to.”
“Did you stop to think that I do not want to?”
“Still…” She bit her lip. “Does that mean, should I not… I can drop it, if you like? I just do not enjoy seeing you like this, Margot. You do not know how much pain it brings me.”
Margot sighed. “I would talk about it, Arabella – and I do not wish to upset you. Sadly, talking about it does nothing. Solves even less. What is happening between the duke and me is…” She clicked her tongue with frustration. “It is resolved. Speaking of it will change nothing.”
“It is?” Arabella blinked. “What do you mean, resolved? Resolved how?”
“I mean that I know now where I stand, and complaining or wishing it away will make no difference. So, I have decided that the best thing I can do is not think about it and pray that in time I am able to forget about it completely.” She went back to looking at her sketchpad as if she meant to start finally. “Now, if you do not mind, I have a tree to draw.”
“Margot…”
“Forget it, Arabella,” she sighed, refusing to look at her friend’s face.If I do that, seeing the hurt in her eyes, I might just break.“It is done. Truly, there is nothing to be gained from speaking of it further. If we can just…” She felt tears welling, but she sniffed them back. “If we can just focus on this. Believe me, it is for the best.”
