She grips the sides of the lectern and bows her head. When she looks up again, her facial expression turns to pure determination. I feel like I might be sick. I want to look into the public pews, see how Penelope is reacting to all of this. I hope it wasn’t a mistake letting her attend today. She offered, and in the moment, the two of us sitting in my truck outside of her place after catching a movie, it felt right. But now I’m not so sure. Dragging her into this mess, into the chaos and craziness that I call my life—maybe it’ll scare her away.
I’m really sweating now. Anti-perspirant ain’t doing its job.
Laci clears her throat. “But that’s not the only reason I’m here today. I wouldn’t be doing this, I wouldn’t be fighting for full custody, if it wasn’t for one more important point.”
She turns her head and looks me dead in the eye. And for a moment her mask slips, and I catch a glimpse of how much fun she’s having.
“The disease that ruined my life is something that my ex-boyfriend, and Kailee’s biological father, is currently suffering from. It pains me to say it, because I know better than anyone how terrible of a thing it is to be dependent on a substance, but this is a court of law, and I have to tell the truth. And the truth of the matter is, Harper Anthony Matthews is an alcoholic, and his drinking has gotten to the point where I don’t trust him with Kailee—”
“Bullshit!” The word flies out of my mouth before I realize what I’m doing.
Judge Kane spins his head and fixes me with a glare that carries as much heat as any fire I’ve ever encountered. “Mr. Matthews, youwillshow restraint in my courtroom or Iwillhave you forcibly removed. Is that clear?”
I open my mouth but no words come out. I’m in disbelief. I knew she was gonna bring up my accident. But this is something else. How dare she call me an alcoholic.
My face is red hot. My heart is pounding. My mouth is dry. I want to scream. I want to get up and spew the most hateful language I can muster all over Laci’s lying face.
Through clenched teeth, I say to the judge, “Yes, your honor. Sorry.”
Paul pats my knee under the table.
Laci, acting innocent as a wounded lamb, looks at the judge, her eyes big, still full of crocodile tears. “May I continue, your honor?”
“You may,” the judge says, still looking in my direction, fuming, like he could chew on nails and spit out a barbed-wire fence.
Laci inhales, playing up how ‘scared’ my outburst made her. “This is really hard for me, because I know how much this will hurt Harper. But I just want what’s best for my daughter. And I know—Iknow, that Harper’s drinking has gotten out of control. Recently, he had a near-fatal accident on the job, and it came to my attention that he was drunk at the time. Fighting fire while intoxicated. Why would he do such a thing? Why would he endanger his life and his the lives of his fellow firemen in such a way?”
Laci shakes her head in disbelief. Like she couldn’timaginedoing such a thing, which would be funny if it wasn’t so infuriating.
“Why?,” she repeats. “Because he’s not in control of his own behavior. That’s why. And a man who’s not in control of himself cannot be entrusted with the life of a child. That’s all I have to say today, your honor.”
Laci’s wrong. Iamin control of my behavior. ’Cause if I wasn’t, I’d be out of this chair and calling her every name in the book.
I turn around and look out into the public benches. I scan them, looking for Penelope, my thoughts tangled up like two cartoon characters fighting in a cloud of dust.
Sitting toward the back, she looks afraid. And there are tears in her eyes.
I spend the rest of the hearing in a kind of anger-coma. I see and hear everything that happens, but it’s like I’m watching it all through a tiny window in a prison cell. I feel trapped. I feel like my daughter is being taken from my very arms. I wouldn’t wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. Not even Laci.
I give my statement. Tell the judge how much I love Kailee. How the accident was an isolated incident triggered by my PTSD. I talk about how I’ve never neglected my daughter. Never even missed a parent-teacher conference. And I look the judge right in the eye and tell him I don’t, and never had, a drinking problem. In short, I say what I’m supposed to say, what Paul advised me to say. And I mean every word of it.
When the hearing ends, I follow Paul into the hall. Penelope joins us and tells me I did a good job, but that smile of hers is nowhere to be found.
Laci comes up to us. “Harper, I—”
I look at her, feeling every negative emotion at once. “Youwhat?”
“Look, Harper, I’m sorry. I really am. I’m not doing this out of spite. I have no ill will toward you. I just want what’s best for Kailee.”
“Oh, is that right?” I say, making zero effort to disguise my disgust. “This is coming from the woman who drove her around high as a kite and almost got her killed.”
Anger flashes into Laci’s features and for a second it looks like she might let all of the ugliness in her soul fly out. But the she quickly pushes it down and does another Oscar-worthy impression, this time of a woman who really is sorry.
“That was then, Harper. I’ve changed. I know you don’t believe me, or maybe you do, and you just don’t care, which is fair, but it’s the truth. And I genuinely believe that you’re in no shape to be a good dad to Kai—”
“Don’t you say her name,” I snap. “You lost that privilege when you walked out on us. And now you just wanna waltz back into our lives—into Kailee’s life—like everything’s fine? I ain’t gonna let that happen.”
Laci composes herself. “That’s your opinion, but that’s not up to you, is it? It’s up to the judge. And when he sees the dirt I’ve dug up on you, something tells me he’s gonna see things my way.”
