My instinct tells me this is the moment. If I’m not mistaken, laughter releases endorphins or pheromones or hormones or something along those lines, so he’ll be inclined to view things in a favorable light — I hope.
I look at Jax and with his mouth full and munching away, he’s watching SportsCenter’s Top 10 Plays. He has no idea I’m about to drop this bomb of a revelation.
“Hey, Jax.”
“What’s up?”
“I, uh . . . have something serious to talk to you about.”
Jax turns to me and meets my eyes. “All right. Lay it on me.”
I clear my throat. My adrenaline is reallyup there now. Kind of ironic thisis the most fear I’ve felt working at a fire station.
Just as I’m about to open my mouth and tell him my secret, the alarm interrupts me. It’s the sound that flips a switch in each of us, turning us from a bunch of clowns who almost come to blows over Scrabble, and into efficient warriors prepared to do battle with one of mankind’s most ancient and fearsome of foes. The flame.
I actually like hearing the alarm. I find it soothing. The guys think I’m nuts. Dennis was even talking about replacing the thing with something not so loud and harsh. He’d read up on how firefighters are prone to anxiety disorders and PTSD, and how the alarm in the station can start triggering those issues. If we do replace it, I’ll miss the thing. Maybe I’ll even set it up in my place, use it to get up each morning.
I don’t know why I feel so calm responding to a call. But I do. The guys have asked me about it. I don’t know what to tell them. If I shared my philosophy, they’d probably just give me crap for spewing out nonsense. What is my philosophy? I guess if I had to boil it down, I’d say it’s embracing having zero control. There’s something soothing about that. I don’t have to make any decisions. The fire chooses for me. My job is just to move. Quickly and with purpose.
Maybe I am crazy.
Jax and I immediately abandon our conversation and hop to it. The station is a whirlwind of activity. Every man getting into his gear, and getting into the zone. As I get into my turnout gear, I try to match Jax’s pace. I lose by just a few seconds. I’ll get him one of these days.
Dennis comes up to us, just as we’re about the hop on the truck. He’s been with the department for a while. I heard the current captain was going to hand over the reins to Dennis, but he turned him down on his offer. That’s a damn shame. I think Dennis would make a great leader. He’s cool, calm and collected. Humble as they come too. I like leaders like that — the ones who quietly lead by example, instead of barking out orders. But I guess that’s the paradox — quiet, nice guys like Dennis aren’t usually the type of guys who thirst for power.
“What’s the location?” Jax asks Dennis.
“Wabash,” Dennis says. “The law firm. Baker and something.”
Jax’s eyes widen. “Baker, Vinz, and Frye?”
“That’s the one.”
Jax’s hands fly to the sides of his head. “That’s where Bethany works.”
Dennis’s face falls. I don’t know what my face does, but I can tell you what my heart does. It drops straight into my boots. Everything’s squirming in my gut. I feel hot and panicky.
“Let’s go!” I roar. The ferocity of my own voice seems to come from some hidden depth I didn’t even know I had. Harper comes out of the bathroom. “What the hell are you doing? Get moving, Harp!” Jax gives me a quick look, taken aback by my raw display of emotion, but we don’t stop. We’ve got a fire to fight.
Jax and I leap into the truck. He bangs the side of it with his hand. “Come on! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”
I hear the same thing in his voice I heard in my own: an unbridled desperation.
Harper and Dennis jump in. Manny hits the sirens and peels out. As we build up speed, I close my eyes and pray Bethany was nowhere near the building when it caught fire. I want someone to tell me she’s safe. To make these feelings go away. I want to ask Jax what he thinks the chances are his sister was at work this late, but something tells me not to say anything to him. I’ve never seen him look the way he’s looking right now, staring out into the night. He calls Bethany. Multiple times. Each time he shakes his head and his facial expression displays nothing but despair. It’s clear his mind has gone to the worst-case scenario. It’s tearing at his guts, like it is mine.
Jax must be going through hell right now. If Bethany wasin the building, this will be the second time he’s had to respond to a call involving someone he cares deeply about. The first time, he ended up rescuing Julia from her burning restaurant. Months later, they got married.
In a weird way, the fire helped him. But it’s foolish to expect it to do him another favor tonight. Fire doesn’t follow patterns. It has no morality. No intentions. It is chaos incarnate.
I want to tell Manny to step on it, but we’re already going petal to the metal, full throttle, breakneck fast.
As we speed along with sirens howling, cars part in front of us like the Red Sea, and I realize how silly I’ve been about my predicament. Agonizing over getting Jax’s permission like he’s Bethany’s dad and not her brother.
This isn’t Jax’s choice. Never was. In fact, it barely has anything to do with him. It’s so clear now. Clear as the cloudless black sky above me.
I dwell on my epiphany. This is about me and Bethany. That primal attraction we feel toward each other — at least I think she feels it too. And it’s more than physical. When we locked eyes after I caught her falling off the bar, it’s like our souls reached out and touched, ever so delicately, like that first moment of contact between two tongues engaged in a French kiss. It set my whole being on fire.
I know what I have to do. I need to tell Bethanyhow I feel. Not negotiate her availability behind her back like she’s a piece of property. Screw the code.
