“Can I get you boys anything?”
We both turn our heads.
It’s Katie, the va-va-voom bartender with the sort of cleavage that makes a man want to drop to his knees and start praying. Standing by our booth, she’s got those famous juggernauts right at my eye-level. I gulp.
“I’m good, Katie,” I reply. “Thanks.”
Jax reaches out and touches Katie’s arm. “Katie, what he means is that he needs a beer — no, make that two beers. Stat.”
“No, seriously Katie, not tonight,” I say, and shoot Jax a look to let him know that I mean it.
Katie looks at me, concerned. She really is a beauty. Despite the treasures below her neckline, it’s not too much of a challenge to keep constant eye contact with her. She has a cute button nose dusted with freckles and long, red hair.
“Seriously. Just having water tonight,” I say.
“Okay, hun.” Katie studies me. “Holler if you change your mind.”
Once she’s ten feet away, Jax leans forward. “I think you have a shot with her.”
I shake my head. “Doubt it. You know her rule.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jax says, waving my comment away. “No dating firemen. But I think that’s all a ruse.”
“Nah man, she means it.” I take a sip of water.
“Dude, I’m telling you. She wants you.”
“Look, I’m not really in the mood to talk about matters of the heart tonight.”
“Whoa. Let me get this straight. You’re not drinking . . .” He starts counting with his fingers. “. . . you’re not in the mood to talk about women . . . what are you going to tell me next? You think the Blackhawks suck?”
I look away and clench my jaw before turning back to Jax. “Sully died a year ago.”
The blood drains from my lieutenant’s face. He swallows. Puts his beer down without taking a sip.
“Hey, I . . . I’m sorry. I should’ve known,” Jax says. “You guys were really close.”
“No, it’s . . . it’s just something I’m doing. Not drinking. I want to spend tonight . . . you know, just remembering him. You do your thing. Be with your new wife who, by the way, is way too good for you. You know that, right?”
Jax chuckles. “Yeah, I do know that.” And he means it. He worships Julia. Head over heels. That kind of love is hard to come by. She was his ultimate crush in high school, a crush that he never let go of. Even now, after all these years, he’s just as smitten.
Lucky guy.
“You know,” Jax finally says, after we both sit in silence for a few seconds, “it wasn’t your fault.”
“Yeah.” I reply. “I know.”
“Do you?” Jax says. “Like, genuinely — doyou know that? It can happen to any of us. And we all embrace that possibility every time we answer a call.”
I take a deep breath, thinking.
The memory of that night fills my head. The black smoke in the old apartment building so thick, none of us could even see an inch in front of our faces. We were basically doing the job blindfolded. And Sully, he just kept walking right into the flames and dragging people out. Whenever we thought there weren’t any more civilians inside, he’d emerge with one or two more. Like an endless string of silk cloth from a magician’s sleeve.
“You know,” I say, “I’ve probably gone over that night a thousand times in my head. Analyzing every detail from every angle. Asking if there was something I could have done differently, or better. And you know what? The answer’s always no, man. There was nothing I could’ve done. So no, I don’t blame myself. Really. It’s just that it doesn’t seem to help much. In fact, I think it kind of makes it worse. Like, no matter what we did, he was going to die that night.”
I pause.
The lump in the back of my throat that’s been hanging out with me all night gets bigger and thicker.
