I shook my head and walked away, for there was nothing I could say in response to that. I waited at the top of the staircase for him to regain his mind. But when he did, all he could do was stomp past me and down the stairs and glower back in at me from the door in that dark fury, before he dusted off his hat and left.
What had we been thinking, two gentlemen brawling like villians? Or was that how things were done in America? It seemed an eternity to wait for the proof to go through the courts; but, I reminded myself, in four short weeks, I would be free of Bertha and her whole accursed clan forever.
***
That very evening I was reading in the library, waiting for Jane to join me after putting Adèle to bed, when I happened to catch a movement from out of the window. I raised my head, and there Jane was, walking toward the orchard. It had become a favorite place for her, as it had always been for me, and I stood at the casement and watched her small figure disappearing into the beech avenue on the other side of the gate.
I followed. She was not in sight, and her soft step was impossible to detect among the evening birdsong and the wind rustling in the beeches. But she was there in the garden still, I knew, for though I could not see or hear her, I felt her presence. As I wandered, I popped a cherry from an espaliered tree into my mouth, tasting its refreshing sweetness; I bent closely to a rose to smell its fragrance. Oh, how I would miss this garden! It was strange to think of it as Rowland’s before me, and Gerald’s after. But such is the life of an object; it is the human connections that are irreplaceable, and I had come, tonight, to claim mine.
I could feel Jane beyond me; I touched the velvet petals of a yellow rose and saw a drop of evening dew slide down. Evening had always been my favorite time of day at Thornfield; I could have lived my life in it. A brightly colored moth caught my eye, and I bent to watch as it lighted as delicately as a breath on a patch of pinks.
“Jane, come and look at this fellow,” I murmured.
When the moth flew, I looked up and caught her retreating. “Turn back,” I said to her. “On so lovely a night it is a shame to sit in the house; and surely no one can wish to go to bed while sunset is thus at meeting with moonrise.”
She came and walked with me but remained a step behind, as if her mind were on other things. We strolled like that in comfortable silence for some time. Troubled as I was by the bittersweet knowledge that I would soon have to take my leave of Thornfield, I nonetheless felt the delicious anticipation of tonight’s task. But how does one begin?
We continued down the laurel walk toward the old horse chestnut, and, cautiously, I broached the subject that had been much on my mind. “Thornfield is a pleasant place in summer, is it not?”
“Yes, sir.” The abominableyes, sir, when I yearned for something more intimate.
“You must have become in some degree attached to the house,—you, who have an eye for natural beauties, and a good deal of the organ of Adhesiveness?”
“I am attached to it, indeed.”As am I,I thought,but I have chosen you.
Instead of falling into sentiment, though, I teased her, putting the fortitude of both our hearts to the test. She had made it seem easy for her to say farewell to me—I would call her bluff. She had said, had she not, that I was her home? She freely admitted how sorry she would be to part with Thornfield, and Adèle and Mrs. Fairfax, but neither of us spoke of her parting with me.
“Pity!” I said with an evident sigh. “It is always the way of events in this life: no sooner have you got settled in a pleasant resting place, than a voice calls out to you to rise and move on, for the hour of repose is expired.”
“Must I move on, sir?MustI leave Thornfield?”
“I believe you must, Jane. I am sorry, Janet, but I believe indeed you must.”
“Then you are going to be married, sir?”
I nearly laughed. Yes, I hoped I was! “Exactly—precisely: with your usual actueness, you have hit the nail straight on the head.”
Remembering that of course, poor Jane had no reason to know how things had fallen out between myself and the Ingram ladies, I launched into a comical rendition of Blanche Ingram’s supposed blessings, expecting Jane to interrupt me at any moment, but somehow it appeared she believed me still. Sweet, honest Jane! I was touched to see how it affected her, how she turned away to hide a tear. I should have stopped, it’s true, but knowing that I had the power to make us both exquisitely happy, I could not help but prolong the pain a moment or two, to make sweeter the relief.
“In about a month I hope to be a bridegroom, and in the interim I shall myself look out for employment and an asylum for you. Indeed I have already, through my future mother-in-law, heard of a place that I think will suit: it is to undertake the education of the five daughters of Mrs. Dionysius O’Gall of Bitternutt Lodge, Connaught, Ireland.”
“It is a long way off, sir,” she said, struggling with her emotions.
“From what, Jane?” I pressed her.
“From England and from Thornfield: and—”
“Well?”
“Fromyou, sir.”
The sweetest phrase I knew.
My blood surged at the words, but like an addict I needed more. “It is a long way, to be sure; and when you get to Bitternutt Lodge”—the name so idiotic it was a wonder she believed it—“Connaught, Ireland, I shall never see you again.” I could see she was near tears, but I craved a declaration from her that was stronger still, a commitment that would carry us through the years together, in our exile from Thornfield. I threw her own word back at her again: “We have been good friends, Jane; have we not?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And when friends are on the eve of separation, they like to spend the little time that remains to them close to each other.” I walked her over to the chestnut tree, an old thing I had known since childhood and that soon would be gone from my life forever, and sat her down beneath it. “Come, we will sit there in peace tonight, though we should nevermore be destined to sit there together.” Not at Thornfield, at least. I confess I rattled on for a time, extending the sweet agony of the moment, heaven forgive me. Finally, I asked, “Are you anything akin to me, do you think, Jane? Because I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you—especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapped; and then I’ve a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly. As for you,—you’d forget me.”
