“You have had a very close brush with death, my friend. And you are only just now conscious. Why not take a bit of rest for a while?”
“I have great pain in one hand, but no other feeling.”
“That is to be expected. Why not rest now?” But I heard the hesitation in his voice.
“Carter.”
He spoke, but his voice sounded far off, as if I were hearing him in a dream. “You have lost a hand as well; I am sorry, but there was nothing I could do, it was so badly mangled in your fall. I don’t know if you clung to something and wrenched it all out of line, or if something fell on it and smashed it, or what may have happened. By the time I arrived they had pulled you from the fire to the paving stones outside.”
“‘They’?”
“Onlookers. I have no idea who. Perhaps John, or maybe not. The fire was seen for miles, and people came, for they knew it was Thornfield-Hall burning.”
“Was anyone else hurt?”
“None, thank God. You managed to save everyone. Except of course for—”
“Bertha,” I said, remembering.
“You were very lucky to survive,” he added.
“Lucky,” I repeated. Now I had lost Thornfield as well as Jane. I turned my head away and said nothing more, and neither did he, and after a time I fell into sleep.
***
Blinded, I found the days a monotony. I learned I was in Carter’s own home, in the same room where he had cared for Richard Mason, that ungrateful wretch. That was a lifetime ago; back then Jane was within my reach and I treated her so callously, yet she loved me anyway. Now she was gone, and I did not deserve her back.
Ames came after a few days, for, like it or not, I was still master of the estate and must guide its business. There was much to discuss in the light of events, and we had the first of many conversations regarding the state of Thornfield-Hall, as well as the inevitable disruption to the harvest that the fire had wrought, and the future of John and Mary and Leah and Sam, now that there was no house for them in which to live or work.
When we had finished discussing business, he rose to leave, made a few steps to the door, and turned back. He didn’t sit down again, but stood beside the bed. “It appears there may have been another body in the rubble,” he said, his voice low.
I was startled. “Carter told me no one else—”
“I only just saw something this morning, sir, where a stray dog was nosing around the ruins. No one else has been informed, I don’t believe.”
I felt a heaviness in my chest. “A man?” I asked him.
“That was my impression, sir, from what I saw.”
Gerald.“Have you asked Grace?” I asked.
“Grace has disappeared,” he replied.
I was silent for a time, thinking of Grace, thinking of the years she had spent with Bertha.It is never enough.“Ames,” I said then, “this is a delicate matter, on which I will require your utmost discretion.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Please pay a visit to Everson and convey to him—andno one else—the news you have just given me. He will know what to do. Tell him to send news to America if he can locate the proper recipient. And tell him to withdraw funds from my account to arrange for a respectful, anonymous burial near Bertha’s grave.”
“Yes, sir,” Ames repeated.
When he had gone, I was left alone with my thoughts. Poor, mad Gerald. He must have succeeded, that night, in breaking into the house and sneaking to Bertha’s chamber, where…I did not dare think of what had happened then.
***
The time came when I was able to rise; although the bandages were still on my eyes, I learned to move about somewhat, always with a guide at hand, and Pilot padding softly near my feet. Because I was so little able to do anything, my thoughts often went to Jane. I missed her, and would never stop loving her, but I also understood that I would never have her. I had destroyed that chance.
Though I often lost hope, I desperately wanted to believe that she was not dead. She had little worldly experience, but she was strong of heart and mind, and I felt certain she would find her way to the kind of life she deserved. I placed all my hopes on that certainty, for Jane deserved happiness and contentment. I could not provide it for her, so I prayed to God that she would find it on her own.
