Mazz shook her head. “Can I help you, Bellamy?”
Probably. But she didn’t know what she wanted—not really. Her mind was trying to swallow her into a void of darkness. Mazz could provide answers for her—could help keep that darkness at bay, or make it worse. Bellamy swallowed. Mazz watched her with a perfectly manicured eyebrow raised. It was the only sign of impatience on her otherwise flawless face.
Bellamy cleared her throat, and in a voice much smaller and less secure than she’d wanted, squeaked out a simple, “Yes.”
Mazz sighed and motioned for Bellamy to go on. “You’re not going to offend me.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
She wasn’t quite sure. She just needed an answer. Why help Vesper? Why didn’t Vesper want Bellamy to know? Why did she trust them more than Bellamy? But mostly, she wanted to know why they seemed to choose Vesper, to cling to her.
“Why Vesper?” It didn’t encapsulate everything, but it was all she could manage, all she could think to ask that wouldn’t betray just how vulnerable she was at the moment.
Mazz sighed again. It was a resigned sound. “She’s a good person. Got a good heart. She wants to help, and well, we also wanted to help.”
That didn’t really answer her question. Well, it didn’tnotanswer it, but it wasn’t what Bellamy wanted.
“Then, why you… Why all of you? She—” Bellamy’s voice cracked, and she hated herself for it. She took a deep breath before trying again. “She paid for you. How was that helping her?” The unspoken “she could have had me” lingered in her mind.
“Would you rather she have moved on to someone else? Someone she could have had real feelings for? Or maybe you wanted her to keep trying to drink herself to an early death?” Mazz asked, leaning forward with her head tilted to one side. Her tone was mildly accusing, and Bellamy glared at her.
“No,” Bellamy snapped. Obviously not.
Mazz nodded. “Look, Bellamy. I once told you that we lookout for you. Do you remember why?” Bellamy shrugged, staring down at that ground. “You’re it for her. I mean it. We kept her out of trouble, mostly sober, but she never moved on. We all know what this is. It’s why people pay for us. No one is going to challenge you here. She was just filling an empty space.”
Bellamy narrowed her eyes. Of course Vesper was “just filling a space.” Whatever space they would let her fill. She tried not to let her mind go down that void. “Just say what you mean,” she groaned, frustrated and embarrassed at this whole thing.
“She loves you, Bellamy. She always has,” Mazz shrugged like it was obvious. “Even when she hated you. You’ve just been too caught up in yourself to see it.”
The words stung, but they weren’t inaccurate. Bellamy had been too focused on her own mistakes, too focused on making sure Vesper hated her. To keep Vesper safe. She’d been caught up in her own lies and deceit. But it had been six long years. Six years of pushing Vesper away, of pissing her off, of fighting with her. There was no way Vesper still loved her, no way the hate hadn’t taken over.
Sure, Vesper had shown her a softness. She’d said they were good, acted like she cared again. How could Bellamy trust it, though? What happened next time she pissed Vesper off, the next time she fucked up?
Vesper still hadn’t talked about it—about them—and Bellamy hadn’t pushed her. But if Mazz thought she still had a chance, if she thought that Vesper might in any way care about her still, Bellamy would take it. She’d push for them to talk, to figure it out, to rebuild that trust. She had to.
“Pretty sure your name has slipped out with every one of us at some point,” one of the girls—who’d apparently been eavesdropping—called over from the couches.
“Meila!” Mazz snapped, shooting the girl a warning look.
Heat crept over Bellamy’s cheeks. She had to smother a smile. In some way, knowing that particular detail—that Vesper thought of her even when she was with them—did help. Italmosthelpedmore than it hurt. Vesper could have had Bellamy whenever she wanted. She’d known that, right? So, then why’d she choose them instead?
“Guess none of my money went towards discretion, huh?” Vesper grumbled, leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed. She gave the girl who spoke up a half-hearted glare.
It was clear no one noticed her come in by the way the girls all jumped and scrambled to find anything else to do. Vesper’s face was bright red, and Bellamy’s heart skipped a beat when she looked at her.
“Come on, Bel.” Vesper tilted her head back to the hallway, and Bellamy stood without a second thought. “Oh, Mazz, what room?”
Bellamy could’ve sworn Mazz laughed to herself before answering. “Take the one beside the kid. She’ll be thrilled,” she said sardonically. She darted a not-so-subtle glance at Bellamy.
“She certainly will be.” Vesper gave Mazz a half smile and looked briefly at Bellamy before ducking out of the room without another word.
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
Vesper
“What the fuck do you mean they’re alive?” Cedar yelled at Vesper.
