So, a few weeks after I turned thirty-three, I made a reservation at our favorite seafood place on the Embarcadero, with gorgeous views of the water and Bay Bridge. I ordered a bottle of bubbly and our favorite oysters, and we raised a glass to our future.
Everything we’d wanted to achieve within the previous three years had happened. Jason’s company was in great shape, having just madeThe Verge’s list of the top one hundred tech startups to watch, and I’d been promoted to account manager about six months before. So I did it—I told him I was ready. I wanted to start trying for a baby. I was so excited.
The look on his face, the way he avoided my gaze, cleared his throat, and then downed his glass of wine a little too quickly—it all should have clued me in. Instead, I chalked it up to him being caught by surprise or feeling overwhelmed in the moment. It was just nervous excitement at the idea of tackling fatherhood, surely.
It never occurred to me that it had anything to do with doubts about us.
That night triggered an avalanche of problems I’d never expected. It started small, with tension on the drive back to our apartment—a few snowballs falling. That tension continued into the following week. I tried to broach the subject, get him to talk about what was bothering him, but he avoided my questions.
Over the next several weeks, the snowballs grew larger and came faster.
I confronted him.You said you wanted to start a family! You said you couldn’t wait to be a dad! Don’t you still want that? Don’t you want us to have a family of our own?Though he couldn’t give me an answer, I knew my dream was disappearing. I was devastated; frozen boulders rained down from the sky as hot tears flowed down my cheeks.
Finally, I came home from work one evening to a half-empty apartment. The rest of the mountain broke off, blocking out the sky as my world came crashing down on top of me.
Ellie crushed me into a hug. “Oh my God … oh my God,” she said over and over, rubbing my back. I stood there in her embrace, my body limp as a noodle. All I could think was—here I am, repeating history. Just like my mom before me, I was facing raising a child on my own, no father.
“Come.” Ellie pulled me back into the living room and onto the couch. She sat facing me, holding my hands again. “How are you feeling?”
I lifted my drooping chin. “This can’t be happening, right?”
“Oh, Savvy, it’s such a lovely surprise! You’ve always wanted to be a mother someday, right? Now you get to be!” Ellie’s voice was overinflated with cheerfulness. I knew she was trying to get me to look at the positive. The bright side. The silver lining, as they say. But I was definitely not ready for that.
“But why now? I looked forward to it before, when I was in love—when I had a man who said he wanted to have a family with me. But he changed his mind. Now, I have to—what? Raise a child alone? Is this a joke?”
“Not a joke. It’s a gift, sweetie. A blessing.”
A bitter, sarcastic laugh escaped me, punctuated by hot tears. “I’m all alone, Ellie. Why would the universe give me a baby now, when I’m all alone? No one to share it with. No partner to help me, support me.”
Ellie pursed her lips. “First of all—you are not alone. You have me, and your mom, and loads of other friends. You have a great job and a great apartment that you afford all on your own now.”
I wiped my nose. “I’m a mess, Ellie.”
“You are not a mess. Not anymore. You’ve put your life back together, and you’re doing so well. Not to mention—let’s not forget it takes two to make a baby. What about the father? I’m guessing it’s that guy you met at the bistro? What was his name—Max?”
I let out a long, slow breath.
Max—the father of my baby.
As of now, he had no clue that the girl he’d picked up in a bar a couple of months ago was pregnant with his child. Would he even care?
I nodded. “It was such a casual thing. We only saw each other a few times, then we just kind of fell out of touch. I haven’t seen or talked to him in over a month.”
“So, you’re going to get in touch and tell him, right?”
“Tell him?” I leaned forward and buried my face in my hands.
The irony of the situation didn’t escape me—in fact, it sounded like a voice in my head, laughing hysterically, over and over. I’d been so excited to have a baby with Jason. I’d had a beautiful vision of what our family could and should look like—and maybe, if I was being totally honest, I’d thought giving him that family would quell any fears of him ever leaving me.
Now here I was, pregnant without even trying, by a man I had no desire to hold on to whatsoever.
Hilarious, right?
“Don’t you think you should? How did you guys leave things?”
“We just kinda stopped reaching out after a while. He’d just broken up with his ex too. I think it was just a first try for both of us—you know, getting back out there again. Neither of us were looking for anything serious. It was just … fun.”
“But don’t you think he deserves to know?”
