“Oh, it’s that bad, is it?”
“There’s no shame in going to therapy, man. We would probably be in better shape if we’d gone before it got this bad.”
Ajay looks sheepish. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“Yeah, no worries.” I pause for a moment, letting air slowly escape through my pursed lips. “It’s the stuff with my job I’m more nervous about.”
“Your job?”
“Rachel made it crystal clear that I can’t keep working as much as I have.” I lean against my knees and clasp my hands together. “So, the first thing I have to do when I’m back in the city is to tell my boss I won’t be doing any more overtime.”
The idea of having that conversation alone brings on a wave of nausea.
I’ve never gone against an authority figure. Ever. The thought of it alone sends me right back to those moments, when I was small, where my father struck me down with pointed words and a terrifying booming voice.
“Uh…” Ajay’s face scrunches up in an air of confusion. “That’s it? No more overtime? Isn’t that… I don’t know, reasonable?”
“It absolutely is.”
At least, it should be. I understand how much this job—and the ridiculous hours I’ve been sinking into it—is piling way too much on Rachel’s shoulders. But the idea of going directly against what my boss wants from me elicits a quiet terror that gnaws at me from the inside.
Still. That terror is overshadowed by the love I have for my wife—and the hope that we’re going to mend what we have.
“It’s just…” I look up at Ajay.
Will he understand what I’m going through? Both his parents are Indian, and Auntie Anjali has so much in common with my father, but not only is she much younger, she also has a completely different relationship with her parents. As their youngest daughter, she simply wasn’t treated the same as my father.
Suresh is also much, much more chill as a father than my own. While he and Auntie do have strong ties to our culture and traditions, they seem to have raised Ajay and Aisha with a lot less pressure than I was forced to endure.
That, and Ajay is so young. He doesn’t have kids. Hell, I’d be surprised if he had a real savings account. How will his attitude change once he has a family to support?
“I have a lot riding on this job,” I finally continue. “The pay is great, but if I refuse to do overtime and stick to doing what’s in my job description, I know what’s going to happen.”
My heart speeds up, thumping against my ribs like a rave.
“I’ll stay stuck where I am. When a team needs a new lead, I’ll get passed over for someone who was willing to give a hundred and ten percent to this company.”
“If the pay is great, isn’t that enough?”
I drop my face in my hands. “Ugh. I don’t know. I… my boys…”
Cayce and Corey’s sweet faces appear in my mind. Who knows what life will look like when they’re old enough to head off to college? To buy a home?
The idea of disappointing them in any way—of not giving them every possible advantage to thrive and live their best possible lives in this fucked up world—has me staring into a dark abyss, about to teeter over the edge.
The only reason I was able to move to the city and attend the CEGEP and university I wanted was because I worked my ass off in high school. My father made it clear to me that he would help me pay my way and contribute in any way he could, but rent in the city is expensive. While he had that covered, I had to pay the rest.
I don’t want Cayce and Corey to have to work that hard. Not if I can help it.
But maybe I can’t.
“For what it’s worth, Karan, these boys worship you.” I don’t notice Ajay standing until he places a hand on my shoulder. “Do you know how many stories about you I sat through while you and Rachel were gone?”
I lift my head with furrowed brows. “Oh?”“Too damn many.” Ajay laughs. “You’re their hero, man. So, maybe I’m not a dad, but from where I’m standing, it looks like you’re doing a hell of a good job.”
“Well. We’ll see in ten years, won’t we?” I stand and start picking up the wood again. “Until then, we need to get this inside before the fire dies.”
Ten minutes later, we’ve placed our logs in a neat pile next to the woodstove indoors. While Ajay is off helping Auntie Anjali with the dishes from breakfast, I kneel next to the firestove and start carefully stacking logs inside.
