But I have to speak. It’s now or never.
“Um…”
Why is this so difficult? I had no trouble getting upset at him over the last year, jabbing at him, and making a case for everything he was doing wrong. Even yesterday, I had the words.
Where are those words now?
“Rach.” He reaches out across the table and grabs my hands, giving them a gentle squeeze. “It’s okay.”
The warm trust I see in his eyes gives me the final push I need to break the dam open.
“I’ve started to resent that I’m no longer your priority.” I breathe through my nose, beating back the burning sensation in my chest, the panic that’s trying to claw its way out of my lungs. “Neither me or the boys are. Ever since your parents moved to the city, you’ve been a different man... You cancel your plans with me at their beck and call, all for nonsensical stuff that should never, and I mean never, take precedence over the commitment you gave to me, your wife.”
I tap my chest to emphasise my point.
I want to pause and breathe to steady myself, but it all comes pouring out now, with or without my permission.
“You never take my side when your mom tries to plan stuff with the boys without asking us first, or when she makes jabs about our parenting choices. You… fucking hell, Karan, you cut your hair last year, for an interview you didn’t want, for a job you hate, all to placate them.
“And now that job is taking you away from us. It’s turned you into a shell of yourself. It’s like you’re a ghost passing through our home, and we’re lucky to get a semblance of a whisper from you, when in reality, we should be getting the best of you.
“And you know what’s funny? Just the other day, at the cabin, your mom suggested that I stop working and become a homemaker instead.”
The shock that registers on his face doesn’t escape me, but I keep going, unable to stop the avalanche of grievances now that the slope has given way.
“That was never me. You know that. I love my job. I love you. I love Cayce and Corey. It used to be possible for me to have all of that, but now, I’m stuck picking up the slack from where you’ve dropped the ball.”
“I want you to have it all,” Karan interrupts me for the first time. “It was never my intention to make you feel like you had to give up your job, Rach.”
“Does your intention matter when this is where we are?” My throat clogs up with unshed tears. “Look, I know how much your parents mean to you. And I’m very aware that you think it was easy for me to cut ties with my parents, but like I said, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“I don’t think it was easy.” Karan squeezes my hand again. “What I said yesterday was completely out of line and selfish. I’ve never regretted words more than those. Rachel, you’re so brave that sometimes it scares me.”
I only realize I’m crying when Karan reaches out to wipe a tear from my cheek with his thumb.
“But you’re right that it’s hard to understand,” Karan continues. “My dad… ever since I was little, he always drilled one thing more than any other into me: cherish your parents. Respect them. Worship them. And then when my mom got sick…”
His voice trails off, as does his gaze.
“Karan. Look at me.” He obeys. “I know your mom’s cancer was hard on you. It’s terrifying. But… she’s healing now. For the time being, she’s in great shape. I know nothing is ever guaranteed, and that’s the thing…”
I take another breath to steady myself, though the tears keep falling.
“I’m not saying we shouldn’t spend time with your parents. I love them too, you know. And it’s wonderful that our boys get to be close to their grandparents like this. But…” I look him dead in the eyes. “You cannot keep putting them first. Not if you want to keep me.”
Those last words burn my tongue coming out. And inside my mind, I silently beg and plead that Karan sees the light. Giving him up would be like tearing out a part of my soul.
How can anyone ever heal from that?
Karan’s nod is painfully slow. “I hear you, Rach. I really do. There are a few things I’d like to add the table, if that’s okay.”
I nod my permission.
“You’re right about me putting my parents first coming at the cost of our own family. I guess I didn’t see how intense it was until they moved to the city and it became too easy to get too close.” His jaw trembles. “I don’t know how, exactly, I’m going to work through that and find balance, but believe me when I say that I want to.”
He pauses, and the softness in his eyes takes a sharp edge.
“But.” The tone of his voice sends a chill down my spine. “If we’re going to be talking about putting other people first, I can’t avoid bringing this up. I really,reallywish you’d talked to me first before inviting Océane to come stay with us.”
