“Yeah, I know. That’s why I haven’t told him yet.”
The last thing I want is to overwhelm Will with a sense of duty. He’s already riddled with enough guilt for nearly avoiding Océane for years on end while he was struggling to come to terms with his own demons.
“And you didn’t tell Karan?”
“I know.” I cringe. “Well, I told him after I’d already invited Océane. But I didn’t really give him a choice.”
“Why?”
Once again, I detect no judgement in Sophie’s tone. She’s simply trying to understand.
I take another sip of tea to stabilize myself. It’s a constant effort to keep the tears at bay.
“Well, part of it is that I couldn’t live with myself if Karan said no. I can’t leave Océane out to fend for herself. But…”
Julian toddles over to the couch, most likely bored with whatever the older kids are doing. He stretches his chubby arms out toward Sophie, who immediately picks him up.
“Hey, baby.” She turns her attention to me while she places Julian on her lap. “But what?”
“But I guess…” That’s the part I’ve been struggling to reconcile with. I tighten my grip on the mug. “I’m just so sick of Karan letting Martine push him around, but the worst part is how Martine keeps overstepping her boundaries with the boys, and Karan doesn’t seem to mind. So I think I didn’t tell him just to be petty. Which I hate.”
I grit my teeth and take a steadying breath again.
“Okay. Yeah, there’s a lot to unpack here.”
Julian grabs a strand of Sophie’s golden hair and puts it in his mouth.
“Yuck, Julian!” She pulls the strand back out and laughs, then wags a finger at him. “Mommy’s hair isn’t for eating.”
Julian gives his mother a mischievous smile.
He’s absolutely adorable, but I definitely don’t miss those days. Especially with twins.
I look out at my boys on the living room floor, my heart tugging in my chest. They are their own people by now, and I love who they’re becoming. I can’t help seeing their father every time I look at them. He’s in the light golden brown of their skin, the shiny gleam of their black hair, their large almond eyes framed by thick black lashes.
When I think of Karan, I think of home. I think of a sturdy boat keeping me safe in turbulent waters. I can hardly tell where I end and where he begins, our souls so deeply entwined that they might as well be one and the same.
The moment he came into my life, everything clicked into place. It was never difficult. We naturally drifted to each other, and loving him became second nature.
What happens if that changes?
“You know we could take her, right?” Sophie says, her voice soft as she strokes Julian’s hair. “I’m sure Will would agree.”
“No.” The word is immediate, reflexively bypassing my brain altogether. “She’s my responsibility. I’ve always been the one to care for her. I’m not going to let her down.”
“Okay, so what did Karan say? What does he think?”
“Does it matter?” The tears threaten to surface again when I look Sophie in the eye. “It’s not like he asks me my opinion on much anymore. He just does whatever he wants… or rather, what his mommy wants.”
Sophie cringes. “That attitude isnota good sign.”
“I know.”
“Just last year, it was like the two of you couldn’t get enough of each other.”
“I know.”
“And now you’re not even on the same team.”
