Of all the things I could have expected…
This wasn’t it.
Martine laughs, if a little nervously. “Well, don’t look so surprised.
“Do you blame me though?”
She pinches her lips. “Not really.”
I shift uncomfortably in my chair and take a sip of coffee. It’s good. I try to focus on the bold flavours dancing on my tongue, but it can’t overshadow everything else.
There are so many things I want to say. I want to be mean. I want to cower and say that it’s okay. I want to scream for Karan’s sake.
But I say nothing.Shereached out tome.She can be the first to speak.
“I’ve been going to therapy.” She grips her mug a bit tighter than before. “At first, I didn’t want to go. But it was Surinder’s idea that we both go.”
I can’t hide my surprise at that. Martine smiles.
“Yes, he surprised me, too. But I gave in, and, you know, it wasn’t as bad as I thought.” She shrugs. “Well… Not all of it, anyway.”
“That’s good,” I say, just to stay engaged.
Because what else can I say?
“Going through that process made me realize how badly I treated you.” She looks at me with a quivering chin. “It wasn’t about you, Rachel. I’ve always loved you like a daughter.”
And I always loved you like a mother,I want to say.
“I always wanted a big family.” Her gaze moves up, and for a moment, I see something wistful in her eyes, like she’s lost in a vision of the past. “Jocelyne and I lost our parents very young. She never wanted kids. I wanted so many of them so that I could grow the happy family I missed. But Karan’s birth was too hard on my body.”
Her eyes become watery, yet she holds her tears back. “Look, none of this excuses my behaviour, Rachel. I’m not trying to give you excuses so that you forgive me. I only want you to know all there is to know, so that maybe you can one day come to understand why I am the way I am. I realize I cling to Karan, sometimes too much.”
She laughs without humour.
“Surinder and I put so much on his shoulders, and it’s not fair. It’s not his fault he’s carrying the dreams of every child I wish I’d had.”
“He took it really, really hard,” I tell Martine, looking straight into her eyes. “It’s not just me you hurt.”
Karan is doing so much better, but it doesn’t erase the pain they inflicted on him. And that’s without even mentioning the years and years of pressure that turned him into a shell of himself.
“I know that. God, do I know.” Martine looks down, then back up at me. “But I’m apologizing to you first, Rachel. I’m so sorry I reacted the way I did at the cabin. I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you asked for space. My therapist, she… She told me you most likely had a panic attack. I didn’t know what those were before, and I…”
She pauses for a breath.
“I’m here, with you, because it’s your authority as a mother that I tried to bring down. So I’m apologizing to you first out of respect.”
When I’m quiet for a beat, Martine continues.
“You don’t have to forgive me right away. I only hope that you can, in time.”
I’m still wary of Martine, and even of Surinder. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that most of us are genuinely trying our best to do good by those we love.
Sometimes, that love can be destructive. But other times? It can be the most healing experience you’ll ever go through.
“I can forgive you under one condition,” I say, my voice quiet.
Martine lights up. “What is it?”
