Go away.
No.
Get out of my hea—
No.
And for the briefest of moments, that quiet, dark thought surfaces in my brain.
It would be so easy. Everything I’ve lost, I wouldn’t need to heal from, if I simplystopped. This endless weight, that sensation of being underwater—it’d all evaporate into nothingness, along with the rest of me.
You aren’t worthy.
You’re a disappointment.
Rachel deserves better.
For a single, minuscule moment, I actually consider it. I consider what it’d be like if I were to fall asleep and not wake up. If I simply faded away.
Those thoughts are violently replaced by the most horrifying sight I can imagine.
Cayce. Corey. Rachel.
Alone.
Dealing with the loss. The healing. The hard things that I’m now thinking of fleeing.
No.
Absolutely fucking not.
What the hell is wrong with me?
And then I’m hit by clarity like a bolt of lightning.
I need them. Just as much as they need me. Just as much as I need Rachel. I was the one who said it; it’s the four of us against the world.
So, why did I let them leave me?
I need all four of us. I need sunny winter days, the laughter of my boys as they attack Rachel and me with snowballs. I need cuddles during movie night and arguments about dinner, piggyback rides and fights at bedtime.
I need Rachel’s lips against mine, our bodies in sync, our hearts beating as one.
I need everything I’ve neglected in my life over the past year.
I run faster than I ever thought possible, back to the room, back where I know my phone lies somewhere in the messy sheets. My heart hammers against my ribs as I throw the sheets around looking for the one thing that will get me what I need,now.
A deep breath of relief escapes me when I finally grasp the phone. Muscle memory finds Rachel’s name and dials it faster than I thought I ever could.
She picks up after a single ring.
“Rachel?”
“It’s me.” Her voice instantly puts me at ease. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I breathe out, meaning it for the first time in a long time. “Rachel, I want you home. And I want you to bring back our boys.”
Chapter 41
