Outside, it’s snowing again. Before I pull the curtains closed and head back to the bed to join my family, I stare at the falling flakes and remember that tonight is New Year’s Eve. In a few hours, this year will be over, and with it, I hope Karan and I can leave behind all of the pain we’ve caused each other.
Maybe it’s too much to ask. Likely, we’ll still carry much of it with us as we move forward and continue to fix what’s broken.
We put on a movie and cuddle as a family until both Cayce and Corey drift to sleep. When it’s only the two of us left, Karan kisses me, reverently, oh so tenderly, before we each lay down on our pillows with the boys between us. I start to doze off with my arm on top of Corey, my hand clasped in his while his arm cradles Cayce.
“I love you,” I hear Karan whisper before I drift away.
“I love you,” I manage to whisper back in response right as sleep finally takes me.
And amidst the raw sensation of fear and turmoil about the future, there appears a star that outshines everything else:
Gratitude.
I have my husband back.
Chapter 38
Karan
I’m the first to wake, and I’m immediately struck by the beauty of my serene wife sleeping peacefully. A laugh attempts to escape my throat when I notice the boys, however.
Corey is completely flipped over, his head at the foot of the bed, with no blankets to cover him. Cayce, for his part, has crawled over Rachel’s chest and is lying with his stomach over her, his head and feet splaying on either side of her ribs.
How Rachel is sleeping this deeply, I have no idea. Our son is five years old and actually weighs something; he’s not a cat. But I shrug it off and slip out of bed as carefully as I can.
After last night, I’m confident enough about Rachel’s mental state to leave her here with Cayce and Corey while I go grab breakfast. I’m careful as I get dressed and open the door.
By the time I drive back with a paper bag of warm goodies and two cups of coffee in hand, all three of them are awake. Cayceand Corey are playing tag and laughing, while Rachel sits in our bed, still dazed from sleep. Her chestnut hair ripples like a waterfall across her face when she turns to look at me enter the room and gives me a soft smile.
I smile back.
That smile from my wife is enough to keep the demons at bay, if only for now. I’m painfully aware that what awaits me today will be one of the most harrowing experiences of my life, even more so than yesterday.
For now, I get to enjoy breakfast with my family.
The twins devour their still-warm chocolate croissants while Rachel carefully nibbles on her own. When the boys are done eating and have left the table to go resume their game of tag, Rachel takes a sip of coffee and meets my gaze.
“So, what’s next?”
Her tone is careful. Hesitant.
“We go home,” I say.
Corey overhears me and stops dead in his tracks.
“Wait, what?” he whines just as his brother bumps into him. “You said we were going on an adventure, not home!”
“Corey, it’s complicated,” Rachel sighs.
“Wait, no, he’s right,” I chime in.
I haven’t been there enough for my sons. The last thing I’m going to do is disappoint them again.
I smile at Rachel and turn my gaze to Corey. “We can take an extra day for an adventure.”
“Where?” Cayce and Corey say in unison.
“Twillingate?” Rachel volunteers. “It’s a good trek from where we are, but I’ve heard there are icebergs around this time of year.”
