I’ve never told Ryan about any of my relationships, because there was never anything to tell. Never a connection worth pursuing. “How do you know?”
“I know because I know you. And word gets around about all your …” He shakes his head in disbelief. “I saw you two in your office earlier. The way you look at her, move around her … She’s actually important to you, isn’t she?”
I sigh. There’s no use lying about it. “You have no idea how much.”
Ryan’s demeanour softens. “I wish you’d shared it with me. I want to help.” His voice is quieter. “Like I said, if she’s that important to you … I don’t want you to fuck it up.”
“How?” Ryan is happily married. He doesn’t have a past like mine, but maybe, just maybe, he might have a word of wisdom to impart to me.
“You’re not gonna like my answer.”
“Tell me.”
“Go to therapy.”
I grunt. “I don’t know, man.”
Ryan laughs, a full-bellied sound that fills his office. “Whatever you’re going through, it’s going to help.”
This time, I’m the one who crosses my arms. “I don’t know. If I just work hard enough and focus, I’ll?—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Ryan says, raising his hand to halt me. “Look around. Do you think I got where I am by just working harder? No, you idiot. I go to therapy. I go home to my wife at night. Sure, I work hard in the office. But hard work alone won’t get you where you want to go.”
I ponder at his words for a moment. The last thing I want is to air out my problems to a stranger while they get paid for it. It doesn’t make any sense to me—how would a stranger understand? How would they know the very thing that could cost me Sophie is my own fault? My own shame at running away when my baby sister needed me most?
But I trust Ryan. I trust Rachel. Both of them are encouraging me to go. There’s got to be something to it.
Ryan must see that I’m starting to come around, because he fishes a card out of his desk drawer and hands it to me. “I trust this man with my life. I’d trust him with yours.” I grab the card and take a look. Dr. Erick Cheng.
It’s time. I need to settle this as soon as I can, before it’s too late. Before Sophie finds out about my family some other way. It has to come from me.
And before I can tell her, I have to face Océane.
“Thank you,” I say, the words as heartfelt as they’ve ever been. “Really.”
Ryan gives a quick nod. “Of course, man.”
Five minutes later, I’m tucked away in the bathroom, getting ready to send two of the most terrifying messages I’ve sent in my entire life. My throat constricts as my thumb hovers over the send button on my phone. Sweat beads on my hairline.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I. Can. Do. This.
Visions of memories come swirling at me in a dark storm—Océane’s tiny frame huddled at the corner of the living room, eyes devoid of her light, while everyone cheers in glee while opening presents. Rachel’s smile fading when she realizes something’s wrong. My mind escaping, pretending not to see, because I can’t losethis,my family, they’re all I have, I can’t?—
I’m not strong enough to lose them?—
I swallow back against the knot in my throat and hit send.
Will
Hey, you two. Can we meet up for coffee this weekend?
Rachel
Absolutely, anytime
