“How would you know?”
Will opens his mouth to speak but closes it. “You don’t know,” I continue. Then, I gesture to my boobs. “These aren’t what they used to be.” Then I touch my stomach. “And the scars won’t ever go away.” I look at him intently. “I thought Matt would keep loving me despite that. But you saw what he craved. It certainly wasn’t … this.” I gesture to all of me.
Will’s hand shoots out and grabs my wrist. “Stop that.”
My skin burns where he’s holding me, but not because he’s hurting me. No, not that at all. My insides clench. “Stop what?”
“What Matt did has nothing to do with you.” He’s looking straight at me with an intensity I’ve never seen on him. “He’s a pitiful excuse for a man who went out looking for cheap thrills when he had a queen.” I suck in my breath, and he adds, “And first of all, your worth isn’t defined by your looks. But even if it were …” He trails off. He’s still holding my wrist.
In between us, Julian coos. This seems to bring him back to his senses; he lets my wrist go and straightens his back.
“What if it were?” I challenge him and grit my teeth, waiting for his answer.
A new spark lights up his eyes. “Don’t kid yourself, Sophie. You are out-of-this-world beautiful. Any man worth his salt would know it and be lucky to have you.”
I stop breathing for a moment, too stunned to move. This specimen of a man calling me beautiful was the last thing I expected today.
“And let’s say you did find someone again,” he continues. “Do you see yourself wanting to have more kids after Julian?”
I come back down to earth and roll my eyes. “No. He’s it for me. Three is plenty. And, honestly …” I trail off. I haven’t talked about this to anyone apart from Avery and my mom. Even Tania doesn’t know this.
But Tania isn’t making me feel particularly safe to talk about baby stuff around her. On the other hand … I can’t explain why, but right now, I feel safe. The man sitting in front of me is none other than playboy Will, but it doesn’t change the fact that I deeply want to open up to him.
Maybe it’s the way he just complimented me. Or maybe it’s how I feel when I’m in his aura. Calm. At peace. Warm. His face softens. “I can drop it if this is making you uncomfortable,” he offers.
“No, that’s not it,” I explain. I quickly glance at the girls to make sure they’re still safely playing, then tighten my lips and take a deep breath through my nose. “It’s just … the birth was rather difficult.” And I don’t know if I can bring myself to go through it again. I don’t know if my heart could take it.
“Oh?” Will leans in slightly. “Do you want to talk about it?” He places a hand on my calf. “You don’t have to, but I’m offering to listen.”
I do want to. Talking through it does help. But only when it feels safe to do so. And with Will’s earnest eyes enveloping me in their warmth, I know I’m safe with him.
I open my mouth, and it comes pouring out of me faster than I can control it. “They had to induce me because the kid wasn’t ready to come out. He was nice and comfy up in here.” I pat my soft belly. “With Gwen and Heather, I went all natural, but I didn’t need to be induced, so the pain was manageable. But the induction …” I shudder. “It was something else.” I look into Will’s eyes. He’s listening intently.
I continue. “So they gave me morphine shots before I was ready for an epidural. Then I finally got the epidural when it was time. Things moved quickly after that.” I swallow the lump in my throat. There’s still guilt clawing at my heart. No matter how many times doctors told me the morphine had nothing to do with what happened, part of me doesn’t believe it to be true. “I started pushing. It went well. You know, despite the pain and all.” I laugh softly. Will doesn’t laugh, and I appreciate him for it. “Then he was out, and suddenly they were handing me my baby boy, and for a fraction of a moment, everything was perfect. Just like with the girls.”
I pause there. Even though this entire ordeal lasted only a few minutes, it’s been stretched into hours in my mind. I look down at Julian, who returns my look with a gummy smile, and I grasp his little hand in mine.
“But then the nurse took him back from me. They were saying things, but I couldn’t process what it was. She was handling him, and I just wanted my baby back. But then she took him over to a table to the right of the room, and another nurse pressed a button next to my bed. And that’s when they came rushing in.” My limbs prickle with the memory of the dread I’d felt in that moment. “I couldn’t breathe as I watched them try to pump oxygen into him. I was frozen in place. Worse, I couldn’t stand. My legs were still paralyzed from the epidural. From what they told me afterward, he had an Apgar score of two …” At his blank stare, I explain, “The Apgar score is how doctors and nurses check a newborn’s health. Seven or higher is good.” Will’s face pales. “It took four minutes before Julian took his first breath.”
Will places a hand on my knee, his eyes sad. “That must have been terrifying,” he whispers to me. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” He sounds so sincere. I was right to trust him.
“When he took his first breath, they left the room with him. I had no idea what was going on or what they were going to do with him. What’s worse, I needed stitches, so there I was, completely alone, stuck on my back, scared to death for my baby.”
Will squeezes my knee.
“At least Matt pulled his weight,” I continue. “I didn’t let him in the delivery room, obviously.” I laugh humourlessly. He lost that privilege when he cheated. “But when they brought Julian into the NICU, he went in with them. They … I’m not sure exactly what they did, but the way Matt described it, they flushed some sort of gel into his respiratory system, to get the mucus out. Or something like that.” Remembering that day makes my nerves tingle with numbness. My heart starts to race. “But after they were done, Matt was there to hold Julian skin-to-skin. So our baby boy wasn’t alone.” Tears well up in my eyes.
“I’m in awe of you,” Will suddenly says. I look up to face him, and there isn’t a hint of sarcasm in his dark eyes.
I blink back the tears, confused. “What?”
“What you went through … it’s a lot. Giving birth alone is a feat I still can’t quite wrap my head around. I don’t think I ever will.” He squeezes his lips together. A leaf falls on his shoulder, but he’s too concentrated on me to shrug it away. “You’re … unbelievable. You’re a force of nature, Sophie.”
Heat rushes to my cheeks. God, I can’t look away from him. My heart is still racing, but I can’t tell if it’s from retelling the story or from something else. The air is thick with static.
This man leaves me speechless.
“Mom!” Gwen nearly crashes into Will as she runs towards us, bursting the safe little bubble we’d created. Heather is right at her heels. “Can we go for hot chocolate now?”
