Another violent scream rips out of my chest. “He’s gone, and he never loved me, did he, Mom? And no one ever will. It hurts, Mom, make it stop, it hurts, please, Mom, make it stop …”
I don’t know how long I stay like this, with Mom whispering back to me in my ear, worlds away. I can hear her voice break, and know I’ve broken her heart because I’m so far away and there’s nothing she can do while I’m begging her for help. And it makes it hurt all the more.
“I just want to die,” I keep repeating, my voice getting weaker until they’re no longer words—until whatever is coming out of my mouth means nothing except pain.
From afar, I can hear her voice telling me to breathe. It takes an eternity before I can listen, before my mind decides to obey and let my body know what to do. Slowly, breath by breath, I come back to myself, feeling my entire body tremble with the aftermath. I can hardly feel the wetness of the rain still pouring down on me.
“That’s it,” Mom continues. Somehow, her voice is clearer now, closer. “You’re doing good, honey. Keep breathing. That’s it.”
My breaths are getting longer, deeper. And the storm that was screeching at full force in my mind begins to calm down. So does my heart. Ever so slowly, the panic dissipates, and I’m left with nothing but the stark melancholy of the aftermath.
I don’t even hear his footsteps as he walks up to me. But he’s there, crouching near me—he’s real, and he’s there, and he has found me. “Avery,” Logan whispers, his eyes pained as he takes a good look at me. He turns his hand while his other arm wraps around my shoulders. “Hand me the phone.”
Too stunned to argue, I take the phone away from my ear and hand it over to him. Logan sets it on his ear and doesn’t waste a moment. “She’s okay,” he says, his voice a little unstable. “I’ve got her. She’s not alone. She’s going to be okay.”
There’s silence while, on the other line, I assume Mom asks who she’s speaking to. Logan locks eyes with me and gives me a comforting smile. “It’s Logan.” More silence on the other end of the line. Then, I hear Mom’s voice say something, and Logan repeats, “It’s going to be okay. Hmm-mmm. Yes, I will. Okay.” Then he puts the phone down, and his entire focus shifts to me.
“Avery, I’m here,” he says right before trying to pull me up. “Let’s get you in the car. It’s getting cold.” I let him manipulate my body into standing up, but my legs are so shaky I have to lean against him. My body hasn’t fully recovered from this panic attack, and neither has my mind.
The rain keeps pouring down on us with no mercy. Now I’m starting to feel my body again, and Logan is right. It’s cold. It’s getting late.
I shiver against him.
“I can’t apologize enough for what I said,” he begins. His hand softly rubs my back. “I just want to be here for you, if you’ll let me.”
I’m no longer mad. I don’t know how I feel. I’m just exhausted at this point. Instead of saying anything, I just nod, my head still leaning against his chest. He gets it, and he doesn’t say another word until I’m safely tucked in his car, away from the rain.
When Logan is back in the driver’s seat, he starts fiddling with the controls to get the car warmed up. “I wish I had a towel or something,” he says as he looks at the back seat. “I guess I’d better just drive you back home and get you warmed up.”
Tears well up in my eyes. These aren’t the desperate sobs of the panic attack; they’re the quieter aftermath of the wave of sorrow that always hits me after. “I’m so sorry, Logan,” I begin. “About everything. About pushing too hard.”
“No, no,” Logan argues. He cups the side of my face, looks into my eyes, then gently puts his lips on mine. He kisses me softly, sweetly, and it makes my chest burn with regret for everything I’ve done.
Too soon, he pulls back without letting go of my face. “Don’t worry about that right now. Who cares? I know I don’t. Just focus on you. Keep taking deep breaths.”
I listen to him and close my eyes as I keep breathing.Deep breath in. Deep breath out.I fall into a rhythm, feeling his thumb stroke my cheek ever so softly.
I’m interrupted by my phone’s ringtone. And I’m about to completely ignore it until something tells me to justlook.
So I reach into my pocket and freeze when the word ‘Dad’ is reflected back at me.
CHAPTER21
At first, I don’t process it. I’m just staring back at my phone, unable to understand what exactly I’m looking at. The exhaustion has seeped deep into my bones, clouding my brain and my judgement.
I don’t move. I don’t breathe. All I’m able to do is stare.
A hand lands on my shoulder. Logan. I look at him, still feeling dazed and frozen in time. “Go ahead,” he says, his voice so soft I can hardly hear. “I’m going to give you space, okay?” He looks at me expectantly, his eyes mellow and loving.
My hands shaking, I nod and look at the phone again. Suddenly, it hits me like a tidal wave, and I’m scared shitless. My entire body is on the edge of a crescendo, waiting for release. I don’t know what kind of release it will be.
My finger hovers above the green icon. Logan smiles and exits the car. “I’ll stay close,” he whispers before shutting the door. And just like that, he’s gone, leaving me alone in this car, in the dark, to face the truth.
I pick up and place the phone against my ear. I open my mouth but can’t bring myself to speak.
No words come from the other end, either. But I can hear stilted breathing. I’m not breathing. I’m holding it in, waiting for I don’t even know what. My heart is beating a thousand miles a minute, so much so that my vision is getting blurry.
I finally allow myself to speak: “Dad?” The word comes out strangled. It’s not my voice. It’s someone else’s body; I’m floating two feet above it, lost in a surreal mist of emotions threatening to tear me apart.
