“Then there’s a good chance he figured out what was happening when he called and when your mom saw you panic. He can’t have known the whole story or understood why you were reacting that way, but I’m sure he knew you didn’t stop talking to him just for the heck of it, or because you no longer cared about him.”
“Maybe.” There isn’t much conviction in my voice.
“And even with all that, Avery …” She squeezes my shoulder again. “He’s obviously over it. I saw the way he looks at you. That isn’t the face of some guy who’s still upset over whatever happened seventeen years ago. So if he’s over it, when are you going to give yourself permission to get past it, too? When are you going to give yourself permission to just be happy for a change? Christ, Avery.” She looks straight at me. “You’re an amazing person—I don’t say that lightly—and yet you’re so hard on yourself all the time. You know you don’t have to self-flagellate all the time, right? You know you’re allowed to just be happy without having to deserve it?”
Her words echo in my brain; I mull them over as I watch the waves lap the sand.
CHAPTER16
Sophie doesn’t stay in Ingonish Beach for very long. She and Heather sleep in my cabin for the night, and the next day, she’s already gone. But I’m okay. I’m going to be okay. I had her for long enough, I think.
Her words mull around in my brain for a while, even after she’s left. And I figure that she has to be at least partially right. After all, my anxiety does seem to make everything worse, so I don’t know if I should trust it. Of course, it’s going to tell me I need to worry about everything and that things won’t work out between Logan and me. Of course it will.
That’s what it does.
But I have permission to not listen to it. Because Sophie is right; I deserve to be happy. Apart from a few weird incidents, Logan has shown me that he cares. And every time I’m with him, I feel surrounded by a warm halo of light, and the inspiration that makes me feel alive stirs back up within me. The dull darkness that has been holding me back for so many months now is nothing but a pale shadow when he’s around.
So I’ve got a chance to be myself again. To be happy again. I’m not going to let anxiety ruin it for me.
Not anymore.
After Sophie leaves, Logan and I fall into a comfortable routine. I wake up every morning with him next to me, which is enough to fuel me with all the inspiration I need to get my work done. But before he leaves, I can never resist pulling him close, and we end up tangling together and unable to let go, even if we’ve already done so the night before. He can’t get enough of me; I can’t get enough of him.
It’s intoxicating.
At some point every morning, he does have to let me go and head to work at the lodge. I spend my days alternating between writing, walking along the rocky beach, dipping in the cold ocean to wake myself up, and grabbing lunch at the lodge when it’s time for Logan’s break. Once or twice he comes to surprise me with a hot lunch and a coffee while I’m still writing, and it sets my entire body ablaze.
When evening falls, we either go out for dinner or he’ll make me something in his apartment above the lodge. We always end up on our bench facing the ocean, and we talk. We talk like the world’s ending tomorrow and we’ll never get another chance to speak. We talk to catch up on seventeen years of not talking at all.
The days are exactly how I’d pictured them when I booked this place. The inspiration is flowing like a magical river through my fingers. I’m getting much better feedback on the quality of the website copy, and it’s somehow meeting their near-impossible expectations. I’ll be finished before the month is up, which will give me more time to think about what I want next for Logan and me.
And the evenings are exactly what I need. Having someone to listen, someone who can truly see me as I am, makes it easier to keep everything else under control. And it certainly doesn’t hurt that when we close out the evening in my bed, Logan knows exactly how to please me. Every caress, every kiss, every wave of us coming together is yet another piece of proof that tells me this is exactly right. Our bodies fit together perfectly, just like our minds. And finding him again, coming together like this again … it’s almost worth the seventeen years we’ve had to endure apart.
That’s what I’m thinking now as we pull up to the parking lot in the middle of the woods. The day is a bit overcast but still quite hot, so I’m glad Logan’s ‘special spot’ is in the relative coolness of the forest.
“So this is where you wanted to take me after our first outing?” I ask as I exit his car. I take a look around and whistle. “Yup, definitely a great murder spot. I can just picture it at night.”
Logan erupts into laughter; the rumbling laugh I just can’t get enough of. I look at him and once again try to take in the reality that he’s mine.
It seems too good to be true.
Not today, Avery. Anxiety isnotgoing to win today.
I push the nagging thought aside and laugh along with him. “You weren’t supposed to remember that part,” he says. “Now I’ll never get away with it.” Once he settles his laughter down, he grabs a small backpack from the trunk of the car. We’ve got a few essentials stocked in there: water, a handful of granola bars, sunscreen, and bug spray.
Once Logan is ready to go, he points toward an opening in the woods. “It’s this way.” I begin to walk towards the opening, my steps eager.
As we walk, I look around and can’t help but admire the beauty of the trail. The forest is mossy with several huge boulders and fallen trees, and the trail in front of us meanders along a small stream. The scent of the moss and running water is both refreshing and exhilarating.
We walk in silence for a few minutes while Logan lets me admire the surroundings. But when I finally turn my head to meet his gaze, he’s staring at me, his hazel eyes warm and caring.
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, taken aback by the way he’s looking at me.
He doesn’t break the stare. “It really is.” My heart skips a beat, and I suddenly want nothing more than to stop this hike and jump into his arms, press my lips against his, and hear him moan my name.
But instead, I simply grab his hand and keep going.
The rest of the path is pretty easy, even if I’m a bit out of shape. Logan doesn’t tell me what’s at the end of the path, but about halfway there I begin to hear the faraway sound of waterfalls.
