Sophie lays her daughter down in the tent; Heather happily squeals and moves her little arms and legs with glee. Right as Sophie’s done tending to the infant, she turns to me with fiery intensity in her eyes. “So, you’ve got nothing to worry about,” she states as if she’s never been more certain of anything in her life.
“What do you mean?”
“That man is in love with you.”
I’m stunned, speechless. My fingertips feel numb. How would she even know such a thing? She’s known Logan for hardly more than a few minutes.
Sophie rolls her eyes. “I know that face. And believe me, I’m right. That man looks at you like you’re the eighth wonder of the world. Which, for the record, he’s not entirely wrong about.” She winks. “He’s sweet, he’s cute, and you’re letting your anxiety ruin a perfectly good thing if you don’t allow yourself to see that.”
“But how can you be sure? Love is a big word,” I argue. The doubt and dread are snaking through my veins like ice. “It’s pretty obvious he cares about me, but to go so far as to say he’s in love with me? And before you say it, I can’taskhim that! It’s mental. We’ve only been back in each other’s lives for, what, two weeks? Hardly that. So I can’t know for sure.”
“No, you can’t,” Sophie confirms in a dry tone. “But we can’t ever be sure of anything, ever. Except for one thing: I’m certain you’re going to be miserable if you come back from this trip alone. How long are you going to keep feeling sorry for yourself until you actually do something about it?”
“That’s the thing,” I say. My throat constricts as tears start to gather behind my eyes. “Maybe you’re right, but maybe you’re not, and it’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself … it’s that I’m not sure if I’m …”
Maybe I’m too broken and messed up for this to work.
“Honey.” Sophie grabs me by the shoulders and looks squarely into my eyes. Her gaze is intense. “Honestly. I know you think you’re kind of fucked up or whatever … but believe me. We all are. At least to some degree. You think I don’t cry myself to sleep in exhaustion some nights? Well, I do. You think I don’t want to murder Matthew some days when he’s annoying the hell out of me or leaving his dirty socks all over the place? Of course I do.
“But that doesn’t stop me from showing up and doing what I do best. Being a mom. Running my business. Being an absolutely amazing partner to Matthew. I can do all of that, and I still have parts of me that I’m ashamed of sometimes.”
I pause for a moment, taking all of that in. She’s got a point, I know. But she doesn’t know everything. She knows about my dad, and about the way I’ve been feeling for months, and about my anxiety. But she doesn’t know what I did to Logan. How I hurt him. And how this shame makes me doubt I truly deserve him, even if he truly is in love with me.
“We didn’t tell you the whole story about our grade seven grad party earlier,” I begin, feeling my chest tighten. I’ve never told this story out loud before. Well, I’ve never told it to anyone, period.
Sophie raises an eyebrow. “Go on.”
I take a deep breath, feeling my hands quiver. “After nobody came, we watched a movie with our moms, and then I stayed over at Logan’s place. Just before we went to bed, I downed my first drink. A rum and coke.”
Sophie makes a face. “Way to get started there, champ. You couldn’t start with a beer like normal teens?”
I ignore her comment and keep going, my stomach clenching. “Usually, I’d sleep in a cot in his room, but this was going to be the last time I’d sleep over at his place. We were packing the next day and moving right after that, so I asked him if I could sleep in his bed.”
This time, Sophie doesn’t make an attempt at a witty comment.
“This being Logan, of course, he said yes. And I fell asleep on his chest. The sound of his heart beating against my ear lulled me to sleep.” I take another deep breath. “I woke up in the middle of the night, and somehow we were spooning. He had his arm around me, but I don’t think he noticed. He was fast asleep. We probably ended up there by accident, without even meaning it. It’s like it was the most natural thing in the world for us to end up like that. And by then, I was still feeling a bit … uninhibited from that rum going through my tiny thirteen-year-old body.”
This is so stupid. Why am I struggling to tell this part? It’s not even that big of a deal. After all, Logan and I had sex just yesterday morning. This old piece of our history shouldn’t matter. Why should it?
Yet, somehow, it does. I’m nearly trembling by now.
“I felt him against my back. And … God, I don’t know, Sophie—I really don’t know what came over me. I’d never even kissed a boy by then. I think I was feeling turned on, but I’d never felt like that before. I was confused at the way it made my body feel. So I just let my body do what it wanted to do.”
“Wait … did you …” Sophie looks at me with big eyes.
“No, no, we didn’t have sex,” I explain. “We just fooled around a bit. And we kissed. My first kiss. His, too.” My ears are red-hot.
“Avery,” Sophie’s voice is no longer in her tough-love tone. She’s softer, quieter. “I’m pretty sure what you just described is perfectly normal. At thirteen, your hormones will get to you. Plus, you drank, and you shared a bed … I mean, I wouldn’t have expected anything less from two horny teens.”
“I just—” The tears are coming out now. “I felt so ashamed afterward. I wasn’t sure he was happy with what we did. I kind of just … went at it. What if he wasn’t ready? What if he didn’t see me that way?”
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Sophie reminds me. She scoots closer and wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Plus, now you know he does see you that way.”
“I’m no longer ashamed of that part,” I sob. “I’m ashamed of what I did because of that shame I felt back then. That’s what I did wrong.”
CHAPTER15
Sophie’s staring at me, waiting for me to go on. And I’m trembling.
